I have something fun to share. I’ve uploaded my “book” Finally Florida to Amazon Kindle. If you do a search in Amazon you should pick the Kindle category so you can find it or you can try this link: Finally Florida. If you read it on the Kindle App I believe it’s free. If you buy it, it’s $3.99. I can’t decide why anyone would buy it if you can get it for free. I don’t really understand how it works. But it’s out there. There is no paperback edition…yet.
As a reminder (for anyone new) I started blogging when I moved to Florida in 2014. And then I wrote almost every day sharing the ups and downs (mainly ups) of my transition/move to Florida. In 2016 I started turning it into a book. With some encouragement, and with Stephanie’s editing, I believed it might be possible. But I never perfected it.
I started sending out to agents and had said that I would send to 200 agents before I give up. I sent to approximately 60 agents over the years and since you only send a query letter and maybe up to 50 pages no one ever asked to read to the end so I never bothered to finish it (as in clean it up.) I had one agency respond that they liked it but I filled out the wrong form. I didn’t follow up, I don’t remember why. Most of these places want you to have a million followers on a blog site before they’ll even look at you. I have 65 followers. BUT I refuse to believe that makes me a bad writer.
Stephanie made the first read through, then Melissa in Deland. Peggy Lambert who was in my book group in Port Orange read most of it and gave me a lot of editing advice. Another obstacle has been that it’s too long. So when I had absolutely nothing to do I would go through and make the edits Peggy suggested and then I started slicing away and cutting it. I had hoped an editor would say what to cut. When I would ask Diane about cutting certain things she would say “but that was a good one” – I am not a good judge of what people want to read.
Editing is a lot of work and it’s really hard to edit your own work. I don’t know where quotation marks should be among other punctuation marks. Plus the “charm” of the blog was the grammar and the voice. I don’t want to over edit it and change the voice. And sooo, I have decided that readers can help me proof and edit and let me know if they want to hear what happens at Sunset Beach (cause I left those three months out) or if it’s good as is. Melissa (and Stephanie) say it drags in the middle but then they kept up with it and Melissa said she missed reading it when she was done. That was a great comment and compliment. Depending on comments, if any, I may add the Sunset Beach portion to a paperback cause you can do that so easily on Amazon too. I mean it’s something. Just push a button and they spit out a paperback.
Last month I was on a call with a woman, Patricia Churchill, who lives in England and is an author. When I told her that I was trying to publish through an agent she said “Why? No one does that anymore. Just put it out there yourself and get all the royalties instead of having to share with an agent.” I had no idea where to start with that but she told me the website and off I went. It is soo easy. Well, sort of easy. You upload it and then they format it.
It’s easy unless you cut and paste from a blog and it has all these formatting codes in there and it gets rejected from their format, and then you drive yourself crazy because you have to change and/or delete all the codes so the thing will even upload. And you also have to read it, and re-read it because you realize it’s been just bits and pieces of reviewing over the years and have you even read it cover to cover recently? And then you are so sick of reading it you question why anyone in the world would be interested in this drivel. On the plus side, it may be long but it only took me three days to read it, twice.
I have changed the main characters names in the book, no one’s last name is listed, or a pretend name is listed. I had asked a couple of the characters what they wanted their names to be. Zoë picked hers (as did Nina). I’m pretty sure they picked Jasen and Monica’s names too. I asked them back in 2016 when my vision was that it would be published before the end of the year. My entire life is God laughing at my plans. I laugh now too. I just need to quit putting timelines on my plans. I still did it, 6 years later.
Anyway, it’s been enough years now that when I read it, I re-live it with a soft heart and an appreciation for that time. I’m glad I have all the good memories to re-live because as humans we tend to focus on the negatives, especially after a relationship crashes and burns. I am reminded why I did what I did and reminded how much fun and love there was, at least for some of the time.
Also, I wanted to put this to bed, so to speak, get it out there, so I can start on a new project. When I moved to my mom’s in 2016 I started another book and after moving to DeLand I let that go too. Sally Maloney has given me an idea for a next book (to add to what I’ve already started). If I would have had Finally Florida hanging out there undone, I would not be able to move on to this next idea. Sally has been instrumental in my life in many many ways. So if this idea works I’ll have more to be thankful to her for. If not, I’ll still be thankful for the encouragement. I need to write a book about friends. I have so many good and important ones.
So Pat, when you are looking for a blog and I don’t have anything recent to post, you can go to Finally Florida and read a day or two and get your blog fix.
Welcome to retirement and the conundrum of what to do next and or what to eat next. With more time on my hands and more options I am more stuck than ever. I seem to have a good wake up routine and a good morning breakfast (juicing) thing but now it’s lunch time. It’s also Farmers Market Day. But it was raining and I didn’t want to go in the rain. And now it’s noon and I don’t feel like fighting the lunch crowd. Which made me think of lunch. And I sure don’t want to go over to the Farmer’s Market when I’m hungry so I should make something here. I have tons of healthy food but what should I eat? Make a salad? Pickled beets and eggs? Put the pickled beets and eggs ON a salad? And then there’s the chores around the house. I have yet to go through my closet. Why? I need a day. I don’t have a whole day yet. Every day has something planned. I don’t want to start it because it’ll be such a mess and I won’t know what to do with the piles of clothes. I have to do that on a day when I can take them straight to my car (no easy feat going across the roads to the garage..#cityliving) and then take them to where? Goodwill? Salvation Army? Those two are the closest although most people prefer St. Vincent DePaul. And then there’s just general picking up shit around this apartment and moving it to another corner. Is it time to put mother’s cards away? Maybe I should put some of the jar candles that I’m not using in a drawer to clear the clutter. Now that I’ve renewed my lease for another year maybe I’ll put some more pictures on the walls. I also want to move my bed over, just a few inches but it’s not easy to move. Do I wait for the kids or just use my feet and push it over and quit being a whiny baby? I have a stack of magazines. Do I save them for my next vision board or do I pitch them or do I find someplace to donate them. OR am I saving them because there is some great recipe in there? Maybe I need to look through them again. While scrolling through Instagram I saw an ad for Macadamia Pineapple cake on Harry & David – so I looked up a recipe to make my own. That would be a nice thing to make for my mother. I wrote the ingredients down. I could walk over to the Farmer’s Market and go to the little grocery over there and pick up the couple items I need for that and walk through the Farmer’s Market at the same time. I can’t make the cake today as I have a 3:00 appointment (hospice) and then I have to be at the rowing place at 5:30. See? Always something. Tomorrow I am on mom and Mya duty (babysitting this weekend) so still not a good time for clothes….unless I can take a load on my way there. I could make the cake in the morning and while it’s cooking go through some clothes – not all – and then transport the cake, the clothes to give away, my weekend bag to the car and then to Sewickley where I will undoubtedly whine about how hard it is to go anywhere when you have to lug your shit across the Blvd of the Allies into the parking garage. See what I’m saying? Retirement is not for the faint of heart.
Or I could order Pizza and watch TV until my 3:00 call.
I can’t normally blog on demand. Like when someone emails me and says “I’ve waited two weeks for your next blog..wtf” – and then I laugh and then I think eff, what will I say? But that is pretty much on par for me not knowing what to say and so I say a bunch of nothing. That’s my thing! My niche. Just like Jerry Seinfeld. He did years of comedy on a bunch of nothing. Same/Same.
Speaking of nothing, I am really acclimatized to this new role of being retired and doing nothing. Although I have yet to have a whole day with nothing to do. I mean being at the beach last week (I was at the beach last week) was relaxing but still each day there were to-dos. Have breakfast, walk on the beach, decide beach or pool, breakfast or dinner out, what to wear, what to eat. Decisions. Now that I’m home I have something to do every day on my calendar. This weekend I’ll have free days but I’ll be dog sitting at their house. I’ve asked them to leave me projects to keep me and the pooch entertained but they don’t. Dam kids. Doesn’t feel like a free day because I’m not home doing nothing. I’m there doing nothing. June is looking like I might have a couple do-nothing days.
I decided after week 3 to quit counting the weeks because then it felt I would be counting it away. So I’m not doing that anymore. I do know roughly that it’s not yet been a whole month of this retired business. I can’t tell if it feels longer or less. I think it just feels like it is what it is. I have NO pangs of missing work. None.
Here’s a pondering question. After one is retired, does the term “vacation” change to “travel”?? Most everyone asked me if I was going to “travel” after retiring? I went to Florida last week. Is that considered traveling? I did travel. Does the word “vacation” change when you aren’t taking PTO from work? Or taking Vacation Days? And how about that? I can vacation and travel whenever I want. Oh that’s right, in June I’m going to Virginia for a couple days. I knew there was something I was forgetting and then I am staying with my mother in June while my sister goes away. Maybe July will be more relaxing.
Anyway, travel or vacation? What’s the diff? OR does Travel only refer to out of the country. Well, irregardless (irregardless is not a word) I travel almost everyday out of this apartment and go somewhere. So I would say I am traveling a lot. A lot more than when I worked and the car stayed in the garage sometimes for an entire week. This is not the time to travel more with these gas prices. Good thing I’m rich and don’t care.
On that note, I hope this suffices for a blog. It tells you nothing, is about nothing and has no value. True to my style.
The sun is shining (first, a rarity in these parts) and it is shining just so on my TV and TV stand and there is so much dust there that I can see now because of that rare sunshine. I am sitting here pondering. Do I get up and dust now? Get the Swiffer out? Or do I write a blog? Notice, the Blog has won out. I mean I really should dust there, and if I start there, then I will end up going all around the room and once I go around the room I will probably go into the bedroom and dust in there. But I do not always keep going. More often than not I will stop and decide to dust the bedroom tomorrow. I can dust that tomorrow. Not only because it’s Sunday but because now all my days are Sundays. I have recently asked Alexa to tell me every day what day it is and what day of the week it is. She didn’t get it and told me the weather. But still I need some sort of reminder. Working at home this last year I would wake up and have to purposely stop and think “is this a day I have to get out of bed?” or “is this a day I can roll over and go back to sleep?” Now I can roll over and go back to sleep every day, but I don’t. I still have a couple lingering commitments, i.e. a 10 am call on Tuesday, a noon call, every Wednesday, this past week I had a 9 am call on Monday. I know. I really had to get up that day. And now that I have the days to myself I have noticed I am getting up earlier, so I can enjoy the day! I don’t want to waste the days away. I want to enjoy them. But I obviously haven’t included dusting in that equation. I’ll get there. This is apparently a process.
One thing I have added to my day, every day, is Yoga. EVERY morning before I leave my bedroom, even before I have tea, I do 20 minutes (or 15) of Yoga. I mean all on my own. I’m not even forcing myself. I’m not even doing it because I think I “should” – I’m just doing it. I know it’s good for me, but I’ve always known it’s good for me. I was shaking my head thinking about last week’s yoga was 15 minutes (this week 20) but how easy would it have been for me to include that in my morning before work. You’d think it would be super easy, working from home. Roll out of bed and do the yoga and THEN turn on that stupid computer. But I was under so much stress I couldn’t even allow myself that 15 minutes. I mean how crazy is that? No one put that stress on me. No one ever said “be at your computer by 8 am” – No one. I did that to myself. I’m not spending too much time wondering why. I’m just accepting the fact that my stressors and my limitations and my unhappiness was all brought about on my own. The only thing that helps is that I’m not blaming anyone and not mad at anyone. I’m not even mad at myself. I’m just glad it spurred me to move on because I can not tell you how happy I am not having those stressors, whether or not they were self-inflicted they are just gone now and I spend an awful lot of time smiling.
I have heard from a few co-workers these past two weeks. Mostly saying hi, how’s it going. One guy I told him I was born to be retired and he responded that it was nice that I found my calling. How apropos. LOL. I met another friend for lunch and she brought me this huge present I was not expecting. That was fun. And I did hear from one PIA asking me where there were extra keyboards. You can tell by that question that he is one of those people that does not look before asking. Like your kids when they say “I can’t find xyz” and you respond “If I come up there and find it I’m gonna knock you out” because you KNOW they didn’t even look. Of course you don’t knock them out, but it did sometimes work that they would then quickly look before I got up the steps and would say “never mind!” Dam Kids. Anyway, so when this guy asked if I knew where the extra keyboards are and I said “my” desk drawer – well obviously he didn’t even look before the text. If he would have said “I looked there” then I would say “then how the fuck do I know?” but I didn’t say that. I was nice, because I am nice. But really I wanted to say, are you kidding me?.
I’m not gonna lie though, I did kind of like that he asked me. AND that I knew the answer. I mean it was a stupid question but I still knew the answer. It hasn’t left me totally yet. Work stuff. As for the hard stuff (questions) we will see if anyone asks me a hard question if I have retained any of that. Jordan suggested a month or so ago that I return to Point Park (college) and resume my old position of doing contracts. And you know what? I can’t remember how I did them. I know there’s a spreadsheet and a macro and some finangling – but that process has left my brain. As it should. It’s been 8 years since I left there. I’m sure it would come back to me but I don’t need to find out.
This is a weird weekend in the city. It’s race weekend. The Pittsburgh Marathon. So they have closed all the streets around me. It is so quiet for the city. There’s no people sounds and not a lot of traffic sounds because they can’t get here! But that also means I can’t get out. I had thought I had until 4 am to get my car out and come back but they posted a notice that I couldn’t get out this afternoon. I had plans tonight too so that was a pretty big disappointment. BUT I am learning to roll with the punches. And that isn’t even a punch. It’s just a thing. Which has caused me to sit here and write a blog and to ponder the dusting dilemma and to listen to the quiet and to think about getting out tomorrow and seeing those runners. You’d think the town would be hopping with runners but it’s just so quiet. Maybe they’re all carbing up somewhere. Or would they have done that Friday night?
Well I’m stuck in the city regardless. I guess it’s as good a time as any to get the Swiffer out and watch the last season of Grace and Frankie. Maybe start a movie. OR better yet maybe wait until tomorrow since I can’t go anywhere and watch a movie tomorrow. There’s something about allowing yourself a whole lazy day that is so decadent. A whole day. I think that day could be tomorrow. After I go cheer on a couple runners of course. THEN I’ll watch a movie. Ohhh I can’t wait. A reason for living. There are so many reasons now.
Week one and done. And what a peaceful week it’s been. It’s been busy but just the freedom to do what I want is something. It’s not nothing. It’s just an emotion hard to convey. What have I done? A little of this, a little of that. You know how you walk in one room and start cleaning and then it’s like, “this goes in another room” and then you go in the other room and start something in that room and then you remember, “wait, I was cleaning in this other room” and well then you go the bathroom and decide to clean the tub. It’s been a week like that. Which has been wonderful because little by little I’m getting stuff done. Nothing all at once mind you, but a little here and a little there and it’s a pretty wonderful feeling. No deadlines, no hurry up and check emails, no get to bed so you can get up. None of that. And honestly it’s hard not to “do” anything. It’s hard not to have an agenda.
I like the idea and believe in the idea of letting go, the premise of clearing out old patterns to allow new patterns to develop and emerge but it’s hard. Thinking that doing “nothing” is not easy. But “doing” something is an old, fought lived and won battle for like your entire life. Going to school, getting a job, getting married, having kids, getting unmarried, having kids, getting a job, keeping a job, kids again, mortgages, dogs, I mean life is filled with doing stuff. Making sure the future is taking care of or at a minimum getting through the days so there is a future. But now my future is here. And because I didn’t do it the preferred way (well planned and thought out and financially responsible) I have to do it the “other” way that according to the tea-towel pictured above is the way many of us have chosen to retire. By the seat of our pants.
But the having to do something is still ingrained in me.
I am on many job boards, like Indeed.com, and continue to get daily notices of jobs. Remote jobs, airline jobs (!), part time jobs, notices I signed up for these past few years when I thought of this retirement thing and every day I think “ooh there’s a good one” – but there are so many good ones I don’t know how to narrow it down. And then I remember it’s been ONE week! ONE. And I don’t want to work right away again. I want to live into this retirement before I jump back into a schedule. I can do it and I should do it. I mean that’s the idea, isn’t it? To finally enjoy life? I just need to clear out these old patterns of taking action, thinking about what to “do” next and instead simply enjoy being alive and in the world. That’s my job now, to enjoy my life, enjoy being in the world. To consciously quit “doing” and just “be”.
I can learn something by my minute-by-minute routines and apply to my life, letting life take me where it will. For instance, while writing this blog, just now, I got up to make a cup of tea. While waiting for the water to boil I looked at the floor and saw “dirt” – the sunlight is hitting the floor just so and I could see dirt. So, I grabbed the broom and wanted to get just this one corner. But then that broom just kept going and I kept seeing more dirt so I kept sweeping. Before you know it I was in the other room with the broom. Then I decided to put the broom away and get the Roomba (Beverly) going. But that means blocking off certain areas because Beverly and shag carpets do not go together. So then I had to drag around my paraphernalia to block off the carpet and THEN I started Beverly and THEN I came back and sat down And THEN I remembered I forgot my tea and THEN I went back in the kitchen to get my tea and then I remember the tea towel that I wanted to take a photo of for the blog and well eventually I found my way back to the chair with the computer and began to finish the blog. But do you know what was/is missing? Stress. I have no stress. I am not on a deadline. I don’t “have” to finish this blog by a certain time. I don’t “have” to get back to work or check emails or pack all my to-do things into this two-day weekend because I no longer have only week-ends. (Remember that line from Downton Abbey? “What is a week-end?”)
I do have to get ready for a play at the Benedum today. Going to see “To Kill a Mockingbird” with the girls and then we’re going out to dinner. We’re going to get extra desserts to celebrate my retirement, at least I am. I’m not overly worried about the weight gain because I’ve already incorporated morning yoga when I get out of bed – because I am not rushed now – and I have my rowing on Monday nights and hikes and well I have time now. And I am determined to have time to live my life. BUT I have yet to unsubscribe from Indeed. I mean there is still that part of me that thinks there might be a good job out there. So I still have work to do, which is to quit looking for work.
I gotta go. Beverly got stuck under the refrigerator and who knows where that will lead me when I go in to unstuck her. But I’m not worried about it. I have all day.
A retirement short story (that is a little too long)
Typically, when you celebrate someone’s retirement, it is from years of service at one company. But I have never been what you call “typical” and I have not been at UPMC for years. I worked there 3 years, just enough time to get vested. (Although admittedly 3 very interesting years) So what I’m celebrating is retirement from this lifestyle and this style of working. I have been working in this style of working (office jobs), primarily in this city (Pittsburgh, PA), for roughly 43 years, and in those 43 years I’ve seen a lot of changes.
Although my very first office job was at CMU in 1978, my first “city” job was 1981 at Union National Bank on 4th Avenue. In those days I had lunch at Hites Drug Store, shopped at Lerner’s on 5th, window shopped at Roberts Jewelry store and checked out the cat that would hang out at Weldon’s Paper store. I worked in the city while the PPG Tower was being built and my then husband was an iron worker hired to install the glass in the Towers. My oldest son, Zachary’s, name or initials are carved up there in those spires.
I’ve worked several temp jobs through Marsetta Lane, from Marsetta Lane Temp Services throughout the years and interestingly she got me every single job in my entire career (in the Pittsburgh area) starting in 1981 except for this final job at UPMC. Prior to UPMC I had always started out as a temp. Marsetta and I talked recently and she shared that she’s placed women, their children, and now some of their grandchildren. Imagine that!
Computers weren’t used when I started work, but I remember when they started appearing. One Christmas while working as a temp at Alcoa, when nobody was in the offices except me, I taught myself (on the phone with my friend Diane who already was using it at Wheelabrator Frye) the Four Phase computer system. (delete delete control delete). After that, I worked at a company called Schneider Enterprises (construction) on 7th Avenue. We had a “sample” computer in the office and a big “main frame” computer room in the basement. So someone was using computers obviously that the big room was built for, just not me yet. After sitting at that sample computer for 6 months and learning the “Word Star” system I needed glasses for the first time in my life. Thank you, computers! My boss (Frank, Jr.) carried around a brief case that was a mobile phone. Schneider was a big company when I started with over 10,000 city employees and within a couple years after I got there it went bankrupt. I was one of the last ones there. I often wonder what happened to all those people I worked with and to this date frequently look for them when I’m out walking around the city. I was really young when I worked there. I wonder how many are still living? I know the owner is long gone (deceased) but some of my colleagues from there should be enjoying their retirement now too! One day, just a couple years ago I chased this guy down the street asking if he was Paul Cannon. Someone from my Schneider days. After we talked (and I calmed his fears that I wasn’t going to assault him) I realized he wasn’t even born when I worked at Schneider. I am always looking for my past colleagues at the age they were when I worked with them. I should have asked him if Paul was his father.
After Schneider closed I moved to Terra Enterprises (Commercial Real Estate) to another city location, the Gateway Towers, where I met the original Jimbo Lamanna. Jimbo taught me how to fill out my very first March Madness bracket, and I won the office pool my first time! Jimbo also introduced me to Froggy’s where I spent way too many Friday happy hours. It was after knowing Jimbo that me and a few friends started calling each other “Bo” which has stuck to this day. We still call each other “Bo” (that company also went bankrupt).
Somewhere in my temp years I worked at PPG in the Tower (the same one my husband helped build) and remember my friend, Mary Jane Calder, coming over to my desk with her radio to listen to the news about the Challenger explosion. It was a strange day.
I used to smoke cigarettes at my desk and drink alcohol at lunch (but not too many of those cause it makes you really tired). I would talk on the phone (desk phone – there was no cell phones back then!) for seemed like hours to Diane (that actually went on for several years – still goes on.) I parked at Three Rivers Stadium for 50 cents a day and walked over the bridge into the city. I walked year-round, rain, snow, wind. That’s just what you did. The wind was the worst. I never brought a lunch to work, always opting to eat out, and there were so many options. There was even the Gypsy Tea Room back in the early 80’s where you could have lunch and get your fortune told all at the same time! I could not imagine getting up in time to make a lunch. Or the idea that I would possibly know what I wanted to eat that day. I mean how do you know?
I would sometimes meet my mom at lunch when we both worked downtown when she worked for Gulf Oil. She loved this neighborhood group we saw at Mellon Square called Rusted Root. I know, right? They started out at Mellon Park. My mom claims she discovered them.
Before becoming a regular of the 3rd floor Happy Hours at Froggy in the 80’s, many Friday night (and afternoon) Happy Hours were spent at the Grog Shop (in the Steel Building – now a Daycare Center), and I remember a few at the Rusty Scupper in bottom of the Bank Building on 4th Avenue. We had our favorites throughout the years.
I eventually left the city life (and bars) sobered up and ended up working in the suburbs. I had a boss, Jim Gleim at Thomson Newspapers, the best boss ever, who taught me how to operate this newfangled thing called a mouse that plugged into the computer. He would stand over my shoulder clenching his jaw saying “double click,double click”. I finally caught on. Thomson Newspapers turned out to be the best job of my career. Jim pushed me to learn every computer program I could. I kept up the learning but at some point (many years later) the programs got too far ahead of me. I mean you just start to get it and the program becomes obsolete. Thomson Newspapers was sold off and a few people from Thomson went on to be giants in their careers. I am proud to be able to say I worked for them. It was also at this job when the realization hit me that I was no longer the youngest one in the office. I was so used to being the young one but we had just hired “little” Gayle…she was 19, maybe younger than that. I just remember she was very young. She is now a Grandma. That was a turning point as well. I mean I literally remember where I was standing when I first had that thought of not being the youngest in the office anymore.
I worked for many people throughout the years that had trouble keeping assistants. Frank Jr (mentioned above) – went through them daily. Longest one before me was a week. When I interviewed at Schneider they said I wouldn’t last a week. I made it longer than Frank Jr. I worked for him about two years before Frank Jr. moved out west. Jim Gleim, also mentioned above, was not the office favorite (sorry Jim) when I started there. The other assistant said she wouldn’t work for him for any amount of money. He turned out to be my favorite boss of all time. Although I have liked a few other bosses for sure. Even one of my jobs in Florida 5 years ago at Stetson with Rosalie, she has trouble keeping people, but I liked her alot. I didn’t leave there because of her. I think that must have been my niche back in the day. Working with hard to work for people. But it hasn’t always worked that way. I have also quit on a few. I quit when my job at Schneider moved me from Frank Jr., to Frank Sr. I was like “nope.” One of my temp jobs, but only one, I walked out at lunch time. They were lawyers, they were mean, and I couldn’t figure out how to print on the computer. I mean, it was early days of computers and I just couldn’t figure it out. So I said eff it, and walked out. Marsetta kept placing me so I guess it worked out okay.
At another temp job, again with lawyers, I met a woman whose name I can’t remember but who was a huge inspiration to me. She was in her 50’s and had just graduated from law school. She shared that in her 40’s she thought “in three years I could be an attorney, or in 3 years I’ll be doing this same thing” so she went to law school. When I was in my late 40’s I finished my degree too. She was the inspiration for that. You just never know what you’ll say that will inspire someone. I always remember her (just not her name).
I ended up leaving the suburbs and ventured back into work in the city when I took on a part time job at Federated Investors on 10th as a meeting planner (in addition to finishing my degree at Carlow full time and being a single mom). My first day at Federated was the first day they allowed women to wear pants. It was also while working there, pulling into the parking lot on Smallman, that I was listening to Shelly Duffy on B94 (John, Dave, Bubba, Shelly) when she announced the plane crashing into the Twin Towers. Air travel has never been the same but prior to that I traveled for work a lot as a meeting planner, traveling all over the country. After that, never again for work.
After graduating from Carlow, I left Federated and worked 7 years at Point Park University, working back on 4th and Wood near where it all started in 1981. So proud of my degree that I just received, but as it turned out, when you work in higher ed, a bachelor’s degree is about as equal to them as your graduation from elementary to middle school. Not a great career move on my part. But I made and kept many many friends from that era.
Currently I work (or as of yesterday) in the US Steel Building, the tallest most impressive building in Pittsburgh. In my mind working in the Steel Building was the epitome of making it in your career. I had often claimed I wanted my last job before retirement to be as the assistant to the President of US Steel. Back in my day US Steel was the biggest company in Pittsburgh (thus the US Steel Tower) and I’ve always been in awe of the company. These last 3 years I finally achieved this goal to work in the Steel Building on the 60th floor, but not for US Steel. However, last year I found out the President/CEO of US Steel’s office and private bathroom are directly over my desk on the 61st floor. I found this out when his private shower leaked through the floor above onto my desk (not as bad as it sounds). Although I never attained the goal to work for him, I’d say I got “close” to my final work wish.
Those days and that city fun life are just memories now that I can laugh about with my friend Diane who also worked in the city and hung out at the bars with me ever since our graduation from Bradford School (then on 5th Avenue in the Park Building) in 1978. (she retired last year!) None of the Happy Hour bars exist, none of the many lunch places, i.e. Palmers, Smithfield Café, and none of the places where you would run in at lunch and buy a quick new whatever you needed at Kaufmanns, Horne’s or Saks. None of them are still in business. I don’t feel old, but reminiscing and realizing most of the businesses and all the restaurants are closed makes me seem old. Time just gets away from you. One day you’re in Froggy’s fighting your way through the crowd to the bathroom and the next it’s boarded up as if it was never there at all, kept alive only by the fans watching This is Us (where it’s referenced frequently). Tramps, a restaurant/bar where we would meet before heading into Froggy’s is totally gone. It’s an empty lot. So much in the city now is gone or just dark and boarded up.
I’ve never really given much thought to someone’s retirement before. Obviously because it wasn’t about me, but when you put it into perspective with everything that has happened before, no matter where you have worked whether it one job or in my case many, it’s the lifestyle that has come to an end. A particular kind of life. But that also means another kind of life is starting and that is very very exciting. (I can’t let Diane have all the retirement fun without me!) And this city is too depressing now. After seeing it through the years with so much going for it, it now just makes me sad with the homelessness the boarded up buildings and closed businesses. As much as I’m an advocate for working at home I would support a return to the office just to bring life back here and stores into these storefronts. I’d love to see this city return to life. Just not by me.
I cry at most anything that ends. Movies, commercials, relationships, and today, my final work day, was no different. I actually felt like I was going to cry a couple times, I could feel it coming on, but when I dropped off my laptop to IT, and put my badge in interoffice mail (to return) I could not stop smiling. I got on the elevator and teared up while smiling. It’s not sad that I’m feeling. It’s something I’ve never felt before. Well that’s not entirely true. The last time I felt like this was when I walked across the stage at Carlow University and finally received that bachelor’s degree. 29 years after starting my college years I finally finished. It’s like that. Like I can’t believe I’ve finished this. And the only reason I’m really sad is because I’ll really miss these views from the 60th floor.
I went in early today to see the sunrise from the building. I had taken many sunset photos but never thought about sunrise. Here’s a couple of them from this morning:
Ya know how your phone makes those little videos for you? They made one for me of views from my desk. There are so many more but here is a sample. Views from my desk: here
When people ask me what I will do next in my retirement the answer lies somewhere between nothing and everything. I’m sitting here now finishing up this blog wondering what I’ll do next this very moment. There’s so much to do (massage at 3, dinner at 6:30). But in the big “what’s next” I just don’t know what to start with. I think I’ll start with whatever it is on Monday. Today is just a Good Friday in so many ways, a day to reflect.
I have been reminded recently that I have a duty to my friends and society at large. I’m doing some spring cleaning, looking at past cards and looking at a card I got last week from Stephanie and well it’s apparently my duty to be the first one amongst my group to be courageous and take leaps of faith. This is not to say that my leaps always turn out successful, or in retrospect wise, but that said, my life is filled with good stories, laughs, and only a few WTF years. I mean out of 60+ years to have only a couple WTF years is not bad. I guess when we’re going through the WTF years they feel more devastating but looking back it’s mostly remembering that it wasn’t so bad and often much better than we thought. Kind of like taking a photo of yourself. I think we all mostly hate a photo of our self the instant we see it. Then a couple years later when we’re cleaning out stuff we see that photo and think “I look good here” – “I wish I was this fat again” – Why is that? Seriously, why do we hate ourselves in the moment but then when we look back think we look good? There’s some message in there. Some life lesson. And I guess that’s a little like taking these leaps that I do. And once in awhile someone takes a photo and you think “wow I look good.” This leap I am currently taking feels like that. Like “wow, this is good” – every bone in my body and in my aura (except there are no bones in my aura, but you get where I’m coming from) anyway, everything feels right about this leap. What am I referring to?
Retirement.
I know a lot, a few, maybe nobody, is cringing. You should have heard my financial guy. First of all, I can’t even believe those words are coming out of my mouth. Financial guy. I have been basically what most would consider poor my entire life. Paycheck to paycheck at the BEST of times. I never thought I made enough money to save. It was only me all those years. I had to pay my mortgage, my car, and get to work and had (still have) two kids! One time (at least once) I had to call off of work because I didn’t have gas money to get to work. That’s how pathetic my life was. But only pathetic financially. And the one day that I’m remembering that I called off because of gas money I sat on the computer and figured out how to start a blog. (and JaNel read it! My first reader) I remember that day. And look at that. A wasted day? I would say not!
Anyhoo, Financial Guy, well thanks to my mother, no, thanks to my Grandfather, no thanks to my relatives that came over on the Mayflower and who were here since Jamestown, we (and I mean my mom) had that beautiful house that when she sold it she shared generously with her kids and I now have a financial guy. I was never able to do that with work. Just with mom. God bless her soul in so many ways.
So, my Financial Guy, CRINGED when I told him I was retiring now. He’s like wait, you have nothing. And I said LOOK, you can’t look at me through a financial lens. I will NEVER have financial wealth by working at an 8-5 job that you guys hope for. No, I will need to make my millions some other way. And it’s not going to be at this office job. And the longer I stay at this office job the more I am away from any dream of personal success. So just sit back, shut up, and let me figure this out. Let me take the leap and see what happens. Because one thing I am positive about, nothing is going to happen if I don’t leap.
I follow a lot of spiritual based people like Mike Dooley and Sara Landon. Sara’s messages are full of “you are the master of your universe, you create your happiness, blah blah.” Not that I don’t like the blah blah, and I love Sara Landon’s back story and how she got to where she is, but Mike Dooley’s message is take action. So combining the two messages, you are your own creator and take action, has helped me to get to this moment. I believe I can do something else, but I have to do the work. Not exactly sure what that will be, but as soon as this last week is over (last work day is April 15) I will have at least a moment to think about it. I can’t tell you how exhausting this job has been. A couple months ago I described it as soul crushing. I mean it’s just a job and not really a hard job. But when your soul is telling you it’s time for something else and you feel this push and my soul is saying, come on, let’s go, well those work tasks that are so stupid and menial have to go. My life comes first and I just know I am so much more than this. And thanks to Franklin D. Roosevelt and his idea of social security and those 43 years of working soul crushing jobs (no seriously there were some fun times) I can take this leap. Also a part time job at Aldi’s will help as well 😉
So that’s something you readers have to look forward to. MORE blogs. I miss writing. I miss keeping up with this blog. Maybe there’s a book in me somewhere. Maybe in retirement, like in finally florida, you can all watch me emerge like the phoenix rising, or crash and burn. But either way it’ll be a good read.
Do you ever think what era of your life you want to meet you in heaven when it’s your time to return? Like in the movie Titanic, at the end of Rose’s long long life and all she experienced, it was Jack and the passengers and crew of the Titanic that greeted her in Heaven. It’s just a thought about what is the best part of your life.
Why am I thinking about this? I’m listening to Pink Floyd. Well, backing up. I discovered this group called City Rocks. I saw a video online. I believe they are located in Hungary and they get groups of 500 people together to sing and play rock songs. Their motto is Make Music not War. Imagine how much we need that now! I mean these events are incredible. All ages together rocking out. All ages. Little kids and old rockers. Really, if you are an old rocker or just a human this is a really cool thing they are doing and you should check them out online.
Anyway, Brick Wall (by Pink Floyd) was one of the songs they sang and, well, then I told Alexa to play Pink Floyd and here I am on a cold and snowy day inside rockin out and flashing back. I think I’ve seen Pink Floyd in concert but I have a feeling it’s just a concert that I wish I would have gone to. I can’t remember for sure. I know I listened to them a lot driving around in cars. And can you believe we used to do that? Just drive around, all night long and sing. I remember we were all in Doug’s car (I’m guessing me, Linda, Cricket, maybe Kippy, maybe Kinks) and singing to some 8-track and Doug turned the sound off. He was being a jerk as usual. LOL. No really he was the big brother to all. Anyway, when I get to heaven, do I want to be in his car with the girls driving around and singing? (assuming after we have all lived a very long life) Do I want to be at Memorial Park with all of the friends that have already passed on? (there are too many there already) Do I want to be in the school band back in High School at a half time show at a football game.? Do I want to be driving out west in Howards MGB? Do I want to come into the driveway at Opus (my grandparents/mom’s house) and have my family greet me at the steps at the front door? Do I want to meet my friends on the 3rd floor of Froggy’s bar with Dan Smiley behind the bar. Those that were with me at that time of my life I’m sure are saying “please god no! LOL. And then after my kids have led their incredibly fulfilling long lives and meet me in heaven, what age do I want to see them at? Do I want them to run to me as 4-year-olds? Do I want them as teenagers (probably not)? Or adults? Ya know? Maybe when they first get there they can run to me as 4 year olds and then gradually grow up.
Well, these are just my Sunday, listening to Pink Floyd thoughts. What I need to do now is get off my ass and out of this apartment and get some fresh air. Then I need to get busy making more memories so I have more choices of what I want the scene to be when I do finally go to that after place. There’s so many more memories to make!
I went out to do a couple errands over lunch and saw “ashes to go” in Market Square. There were at least 3 priests giving out ashes (for Ash Wednesday) in Market Square. It helps that it’s a beautiful sunny, albeit chilly, day. And then I thought to myself, “this world is just so great – I mean look at this – humanity making do” – Honestly sometimes I’m so overwhelmed with the human spirit it’s embarrassing.
And then I thought how can I share how great humanity is when stupid Putin is doing his stupid thing to Ukraine. But even there, I am hearing overwhelming heart breaking and heart enhancing stories. I mean who doesn’t LOVE Zelensky. And the Ukrainians are some of the bravest people on the planet. (I imagine there are many other atrocities in other countries with brave people that don’t make it to the news for us to know about but this is front and center now.) Additionally, there are REALLY great stories surfacing of Russian soldiers surrendering because they don’t want to fight either. I heard a clip on something where a Russian soldier said they had no idea what was going on and were told it was a military practice. They don’t want to fight. I can’t imagine anyone in Russia wanting this fight. But that’s the same with all wars isn’t it? Except in this case where the Ukrainians are saving themselves. This is a Putin war, not a Russian war.
I worry about all the sanctions we’re doing to Russia and how this is going to affect the common person there. I’m not saying we shouldn’t do these sanctions, or they shouldn’t be done, but I would bet my life on it that not one person in Russia agrees with what Putin is doing. Not one. There is some kind of humanity lesson in here when someone has this much power and can just do whatever the hell he wants. I almost laughed out loud when I read today that the UN General Assembly condemns the invasion and calls for immediate withdrawal. Yea, like Putin cares. Ya gotta wonder how long has he been planning this? The Crimea annexation in 2014. The attempt to withhold funds for weapons from Ukraine in 2016. I mean WTF. This world needs to wake the “eff” up and put some better watchdog measures in place or we’re all going to be annihilated because of one (or two) idiots. And I mean idiots. Because anyone that wants to destroy humanity is not thinking straight. I mean the only reason to live on earth for our short lives is to “live on earth” – know what I mean? Like why would you want to destroy that? Why do you want to OWN it? You’re here for what 80-100 years at the most? And you want to destroy thousands of people because you need another bathroom? Or a bigger swimming pool? What the hell is wrong with people?
Well, sorry I do go off on a tangent, don’t I? I really just wanted to share the outside “ashes to go” thing and I just started down this rabbit hole. I’ll tell you what though, my thoughts and my hope is that it’s going to be the “people” of Russia who end this war. Who say “Fuck You Putin” because certain people in our country weren’t able to do that when maybe it would have made a difference. And other people in the world in other countries aren’t able to do that when it makes a difference (I’m looking at you China who decided Hong Kong belonged to you) – It’s going to take the people that they make fight these wars to say “fuck you.” Why are we such sheep to these oligarch’s and do what they say? Cause they kill our families I suppose. But seriously, just think about it, who has the power here? There’s many more of the common man than there is of the one or two idiots running the show. Just say no. You’re going to die for your country one way or the other. Either fighting in a war you don’t want, or standing up for what you know is right. (written by someone sitting in their living room not threatened by war… at the moment.)
In the meantime, I will join in the movements to send love, cause they say that’s a thing to do, and other than $20 to various charities it’s all I can do. I will not only send love to all the Ukrainians but I will send love to Putin. If sending love is a thing that works, and enough people send love to Putin and get him to crack that heart open just a little bit, maybe he will see what an ass he’s being. I am certainly willing to do whatever I can. Go ahead and roll your eyes if you want but in my opinion it’s better than doing nothing. Loving Putin is a hard ask, but for the Ukrainians I am willing to give it a try.
Early in life I learned to keep my thoughts to myself. Funny since now I document a lot of them for the world to judge me on. I mean really, that is ironic. But in my earlier life, I kept things to myself because without fail I would have been made fun of, to have feelings of any kind was pretty much viewed as being ridiculous or overly dramatic in my family. And then later in life people would just consider me “crazy” – because I think out of the box. I’m a dreamer. But this upbringing is not unusual. Apparently, my parents didn’t want drama, and so I just learned to bury everything.. Not EVERYthing, but a fair amount.
And then one day you’re in a college class, when you are in your mid 40’s and the subject comes up about this feeling that comes over you when your kids leave home and go to college and you have started to enter the empty nester stage. And then you have this epiphany when this other woman is sharing your same feelings that “wait, this is kinda normal?” At that point in my life I really thought I was having a nervous breakdown. My oldest son had just left for college. I still had a little one at home (little-ish) but Zach, my oldest, had been my rock, sort of my compass. YES I KNOW! This is a terrible thing to do to your child. But I was a baby when I had him, and the parenting books were not yet caught up with the single mom issue being main stream so you do what you do. I know now, but at the time he was just so wise and calming to me while I struggled with just life in general and then he was gone and as most college kids do, he did not return calls…like ever. It was a hellish time. A terrible transition. I was surely losing my mind and in my mind I was totally alone and no one would understand.
And then this class, full of middle age woman, like me, are all shaking their heads in agreement when this other mother shared what she was going through. I remember the shock of realizing I was not alone. I don’t know if I can properly express what that moment meant to me. How many other life experiences have I gone through that I thought I was crazy for feeling like I was feeling? Feeling alone.
This blog, started in Florida in 2014, when I was going through yet another transition, based on a melt-down of sorts, but I kept the finallyflorida blog upbeat and stayed away from the drama and the reality of what was going on until the “big reveal” when I shared that it was not so rosy and I left that situation. There was so much drama in that last year with him, but I just assumed no one wants to hear it. Keep it to myself and focus on the positives. I don’t know that I was wrong to do that. But I will tell you my hair dresser down there thought I was an effing loon. I did some not so healthy dumping on this stranger who just wanted to cut my hair and get a tip. I think the lesson there is know your audience. But she was good at listening. And I’m sure every hair dresser will tell you that this is a normal part of their job. Getting dumped on by miserable housewives. (am I right?)
I was reminded today of the importance of friends, friends that listen, and friends that care. And I am reminded we are not alone and sharing is caring. (is that a t-shirt or bumper sticker?) And it’s Friday and blog day so what better subject to blog about?
I am at an age where another life transition is getting ready to occur (retirement) and I am struggling with myself. I am certain I have to figure this out myself. But do I? What has experience taught me? And what did Jennifer remind me of just this morning? We do not live in a bubble. We live in a community of friends and people who can help us through fun and not so fun times. We are all individuals but we are not that unique that someone else that we know hasn’t gone through a similar time.
