lynn monahan

I’ m in Wegmans, my new favorite grocery store, where I bring my computer to plug in and use wi-fi.  They make a really really good Chai Latte.  If only I had another $3.74 I’d get another one.

Since I just posted the other day there’s not a lot to report.  But I’m going to try and get the same momentum that I had going with that last blog of mine..

The weather (you know I always bring up the weather) is beautiful.  The sky is blue blue blue, no clouds and I know there is sun out there somewhere.  My mom lives in the woods, there is no sun in the woods. I am always cold without the sun.  I walked out to the mailbox the other day and realized there was sun out there and kept walking on the road and warmed up quite nicely.  So now at least I know how to warm up….get out of the house.  I left my heater in storage in Florida.  I know right?  How freakin stupid.  Oh well.  So I have returned to my hair dryer.  Anyone that has known me for a long time knows that I use the hair dryer to warm up.  I turn it on and just blow that air on me or under the sheets to warm up.  I’ve used that method for years.  It is tried and true.  I would rather have my heater but I’m happy to have an alternative.  I have managed to stay warm at night.  I think the new ceilings that were put in last summer, along with new insulation are helping us stay warm at night. And it’s not even cold yet.  Wait until this weekend when it dips into the 20’s.  Why did I throw out that winter coat?

I went to the neighbors yesterday to get my first trunk-full of firewood.  His house is in the middle of a large yard, no trees, I sat there for awhile warming up. He told me he wished he lived more in the woods.  I wonder if he’d like to trade. Anyway, I filled my little car trunk up for $20.  Then I went around our yard picking up sticks for kindling and last night we had another beautiful fire in the fireplace. Plus I tried this new recipe (found in Southern Living) with white beans, butternut squash and corn.  She was in heaven my little mother.

I was reading to her last night from this area magazine about a neighborhood in Richmond called “The Fan” – when I mentioned the elementary school she said “I went there!” – after that she reminisced for a long long time about the different schools she went to and different friends along the way.  She went to maybe 4 or 5 grade schools.  Didn’t settle down until she went to high school then finished her last 4 years in the same school (the place I went to for Food Stamps the other day).  It was so fun to hear her stories.  She was laughing at a lot of her memories. Sounds like she had a fun childhood and I was amazed she could remember names from people in her first grade class.  She remembers more than I do about my grade school experiences. She also told some really sweet stories about her mom.  We’ve always thought our Grandmother (her mom) was a little harsh but there were some nice stories there.

I think I’m beginning to know why I’m here.

xoxox

And here we go…new updates from a new venue..Depending on my mood at any given moment I go from crying to total acceptance.  Total acceptance is winning and I’m feeling really good about being here.  Cold, but good.

Instead of walking on beaches I am now working in the yard and figuring out how to stay warm.  I’m a fan of a fire (in the fireplace) and I’m hoping that fires will cut down on the heating bill, although I’m skeptical about that, but anyhoo, here’s me trying to split a log.

I got the wedge stuck.  Yea, I’m no good.  BUT it’s on my to-do list to accomplish by next year.  If I don’t chop my leg off I want to learn how to split wood AND be strong enough to do it. In the meantime I have gone from buying wood at the grocery store to finding a neighbor, who I met when he stopped over to look at trimming up some trees for mom, who also sells firewood.  He lives right around the corner and I can fill up my trunk for $20 and he doesn’t even have to be home.  It’s a god-send.  I should never have to buy kindling with all the branches in the yard and I’m using pine cones as fire starters.  Are pine cones okay to use?  Does anybody know?  Also, until I use up the grocery store logs I am chipping at the logs with an axe to help the wood catch better.  Mom brought it up to try doing because the wood is so pressed it’s not catching and then I remembered Jorden used to do that in Tampa.  He’s so smart and apparently so is mom. So I’m chipping away.  It’s kinda fun being this country girl.

We spent outside yesterday working in the yard.  I put mom to work weeding which she was thrilled to do and I started my own “dead” zone.  Remember I had a dead zone in Tampa?  If not, let me refresh your memory…I take the dead flowers and replant them and send them love and then hope that they come back next year.  So Saturday night there was a frost, 🙁 I know, so much to get used to again, and anyway so I took the dead dead begonias and replanted them in Jimmy’s old garden. So here’s the story on the gardens.  Stop me if I’m repeating myself..

Years ago – probably like 20 years now – during a visit to my mom’s – me Zach and Jimmy (and mom) went to visit Norie, the moss lady.  Norie has her entire yard as a garden – with paths of moss and then different plants along the way.  So after that visit Zachary came to my mom’s and took a rake and made paths in this front area that was used for nothing and mom built a garden around that.  Years later, not too many years, but like 10 years later, Jimmy, not wanting to be left out, decided that he would make a garden path area too.  Unfortunately not long after that mom lost her sight and Jimmy’s area went undeveloped and back to nature.  So I’ve decided to try and rejuvenate Jimmy’s garden. I reinstated a couple paths yesterday (his original paths) and planted some plants in the dead zone.  I don’t really want to turn Jimmy’s garden into “the dead zone” that just has all sorts of negative connotation but anyway I’m going to make that my project.  I also have to help my mom weed the main garden cause it really needs it.  She has a gardener you know and when I question why he’s not doing it she says he doesn’t like to weed and he’s also afraid of snakes.  Go the eff figure.  BUT we love him anyway as he does an awful lot of other stuff for her. So I’ll just keep putting mom  to work.  Next week I’ll have her change the oil in my car.

Last week I applied to Barnes and Noble and Target, followed up on a really good work at home job in higher ed, and sent my book to another agent.  I’m up to 5 agents.  I know I’ll have to get to around 200 before getting really depressed, so I’m not depressed at all.  It takes 4-6 weeks typically for anyone to even review your request.  I’ll start getting depressed maybe next Spring. We’ll see.  For now it’s just added to my to-do list to keep sending requests out.

Then today I went to the Social Services office and applied for food stamps.  My life sure has changed hasn’t it?  From pedicures and horseback riding, date nights, and beaches to welfare, slipper socks, firewood, and living with mom.  There are plenty of horses around. I’m not giving up on that.

I think the welfare system is in place for people like us, like me, who need it until I get on my feet.  So I’m happy to have the option.  I don’t know how long it takes, although I think she might have said I would be called in for an interview in the next couple of days.  I’m looking forward to the interview and hoping they might have some ideas for me as well.  The county offices are in the old high school where my mom went.  It was cool walking in the hallways that she walked in at one time.  Mom thought maybe I could get a job there.  I’ll be asking about that during my food stamp interview. It’s all part of the human experience.

I’ll be able to get through another month with my car but it’s really such a bad car to have in this climate.  I haven’t figured out what to do about that yet.  Even if I sold it I’d have to get another one and I am in no position to get another vehicle.  I’m scared to death to be on these roads at night, in that car, in rain that turns to ice.  Already the wheels are spinning in the gravel driveway.  It’s just not meant for country living – my favorite little car.  So I’ll wait for the heavens to provide an answer there.  Or wait for them to take it from me.  Whichever comes first.

The Super moon is tonight – time for clearing and cleansing.  I will be setting up my little alter and cleansing away.  I won’t be able to see the moon tonight as it is raining – like socked in rain – and cold.  Only 40°. I’m  trying to think if there is one thing that is not different for me now from the last two years and well, I can’t come up with it.  I guess my car is the same…for now.

Lovin life in the woods,

xoxoxo

I am here.  Here I am.  I have arrived.  BACK in Virginia. The trip up was uneventful (thank God) with a nice overnight visit in Savannah where I was able to walk around.  Wait I already talked about this.  Never mind.

Well after Savannah I drove on up.  Took about 9 hours.  I pee a lot, therefore I stop a lot.  But no one is with me to bitch about it so there’s that.  I was not sad this time about leaving Florida, I thought a lot about my next book as I was driving, you know because I had allloott of time in the car with my thoughts.  I did listen to a book on tape and just like my last trip I have left the characters in the middle of the story so now I have to make several day trips to finish the book to know who done it.  I don’t think about moving back to Florida now.  It’s almost like it was a dream.  I still have my tan and a couple of reminders of my time there, actually a lot of reminders of course but unlike the last time I came to Virginia (which was only a month ago) I have no immediate plan to go back for anything other than to drive my photo albums back up north and that may be next year.  I’m in a much different frame of mind.

So the start of my next book was sounding good in my head when of course my world bottomed out…again, but this time not just my world, like millions of people’s world.  I can’t possibly be a blogger without mentioning the election and since I’m a blogger and blog about my feelings and my life well I’m going to blog about the election.

I cried.  I was sick.  I was stunned.  I was horrified.  I cried some more.  I know I’m a cry baby but this is something else.  And I’m obviously not alone in my horror.  The weather here yesterday was perfect for the mood, it was rainy, it was grey, it was chill to the bone cold (well cold for me), I felt beat up, I felt despondent, I felt exhausted.  I did not vote for Trump.  I do not hate him, I just felt he was a non-entity and there was no way that someone who is apparently so hateful, ignorant, divisive, bigoted, misogynist would get elected.  A friend of mine, a staunch Republican said that going into the polls she didn’t know what to do.  She hates Hillary but no way did she want Trump to win.  She shared that in the end she voted for Trump because she wanted to send Hillary a message that not everyone loved her.  She too thought it would be a landslide win for Hillary.  So she said now all we can do is pray.  I’m not gonna lie, I don’t love Hillary, but I don’t hate her either.  As a matter of fact I was a little pissed at myself for not voting for Gary Johnson, and mad at the statement made by Obama that a vote for Gary Johnson (or any other candidate) was a vote for Trump.  I thought how dare he say that when we should vote for who we want.  But in the end, I do believe he is right.  All the Gary Johnson votes could have put Hillary over the top.

But that’s not what happened.  And now, after a day, and because I do tend to be positive in the throws of despair, here’s what I’m thinking.

Trump is a non-entity, and by that I mean he really doesn’t know who he is, he is not developed.  But he knows how to get a crowd’s reaction.  He knew that the “good” people of the earth (tongue in cheek here) were not going to vote for him.  The only people’s vote he could get were the haters so he fed into that.  I don’t think any of us knew there were so many haters in the world.  A LOT of people hate Hillary and so so many hate Obama.  I mean haters have to hate I guess.  But what if this happens…What if he’s able to turn the haters into likers.  He has already backed down from “lock her up” (maybe) complimenting Hillary on a hard fought battle.  He spent 90 minutes with Obama today and they both came out with love in the air. He seems to have already humbled a bit…I’d say a lot.  As we all know from the campaign and just years of Trump in the media he changes his mind, and what he says, every other day.  I want to believe that he’s not as effed up as he has been portraying.  I want to believe that a clearer head is going to prevail.  I want to believe that he will repeal Obamacare and then replace it with something better!  I have benefited from Obamacare but there is no doubt it is effed up and I have only benefited because I am poor, like poverty poor.  It is not good for anyone else.  So it does need an upgrade.   That’s just one example. I’ve read over his 100 days list (what he’ll do in office his first 100 days) and if it’s anything that we’ve learned from Obama years is that NOTHING gets done that fast and he can do next to nothing on his own.  How many people in Congress will approve that stupid wall? That’s just crazy talk.

I think, I hope, he’s going to back way the fuck down from so much of this.  I think he’s already humbled and thinking “holy shit, what do I do now” – I think that’s been the basis of his whole campaign, shock and surprise.  I think he’s been shocked and surprised that he got as far as he did and I think now he’s wondering WTF do I do now. He clearly did not expect to win or he wouldn’t have been preaching about the rigged election. He knows he doesn’t know what to do but now he has to perform in a big way.  This is NOT a TV show. I think that’s why he spent so much time with Obama, I think that’s why he said he looks forward to spending more time with Obama.  I think he has a really really good opportunity to bring his haters around.  If he can get his haters to look at Obama in a different light just imagine how he really might be able to unite the country.  One thing for sure is we will never be united until the haters and us sane people can get along. What if he is the one that can do that by accident?

What if?

In the meantime it is causing all of us to look more at what is going on in our world, to get our heads out of the sand and realize how much hate is around us, for the haters to show who they are and for all of us to become activists for our own country.  Maybe some states will end up seceding after all. (now that I’m a southerner) Maybe there’s no reason why we can’t.  Maybe Steve Berry is right in his book “The Lincoln Myth” that there is no constitutional reason that states can’t secede from the union.  Maybe that will happen.  Who the hell knows, but something is happening.  And it’s big.  And nobody is gonna care about my storage unit, the fact that I’m cold already in front of the fire, or that I’m getting my last credit card cut off.  We now have bigger fish to fry. One thing for sure though,  he better not mess with my environment because then I’m going to get really angry – I will be in the front of that protest line – I’m homeless I have nowhere else to go – don’t fuck with me.

For now, I’m going to sit back and see how it plays out, see what he backs down from, see how much more back pedaling he may or may not do.  See if he even gets to office on January 20.  After all he has a trial date coming up as well for fraud for Trump University.  And really, does anyone else think that maybe the election really was rigged?  Anybody?

xoxoxo

Did you think that because I don’t have a boyfriend OR that debit card that my travels would be over?  Well….not so fast buckos…

As you may or may not remember today was travel day. I left Florida this morning, soon after sunrise, like before 8:00 am (that’s soon after right?) and took my good ole time and am staying over night in Savannah.  Well not “in” Savannah, but near it.

Yesterday when I was in the Facebook black hole there was an advertisement for the top 10 small towns in Florida you should visit.  I’m gonna say most of them I’ve already been to, but there was this town called Cassadaga that I had to make a point in visiting. Other than having the distinction of seeing more Trump signs than I’ve seen anywhere (not a political statement just an observation) it is especially known for having a large number of psychics and mediums, and has consequently been named the “Psychic Capital of the World”. So you see why I had to stop don’t you?  Well, it was kinda cute. I had lunch.  I went in one gift shop but when I started to walk into another I realized I had a drink – no drinks allowed – so I just left.  Also my camera battery died so I didn’t get any good shots of all the Psychic signs but I did get these pictures:

Needless to say I don’t think I’ll need to stop there again, ever, but I have seen it. I can add it to my list of where I’ve been.

Traveling on, on a beautiful non-hurricane related day, I decided to stop in Savannah again.  Some of you might remember that I was here in the Spring.  I checked into my hotel around 4:00 pm (about 20 miles south of Savannah) – and then drove onto downtown Savannah so I could walk around before dark. I remembered where to park for free and where I wanted to be for dinner.  I got my parking place right where I had planned and did my own walking tour, but not before putting on a sweatshirt.  It’s shorts and sweatshirt weather.  Warm enough for shorts but chilly enough for a sweatshirt.  I had such a nice time just breathing in the cool air, seeing the sights, not spending any money in the shops, looking at the architecture, and then I treated myself to a delicious dinner at 700 Drayton. After dinner I walked around the lobby of Mansion on Forsythe Park which happens to be an art gallery.  It’s a beautiful hotel and it was a lovely evening.

I’m back in my hotel room now – blogging, thinking about a bath and a book and believe it or not I have the heat on.  My mom said they are expecting frost tonight.

I am far from crying about anything –  even with the frost news.  I say bring it on, but not before I stop at Old Navy on my way to mom’s tomorrow with my gift certificate to buy a new sweater or two – and then pick up some firewood for that cozy fireplace.

Who needs a boyfriend.

xoxoxo

Remember how I couldn’t walk in the morning in the summer months because it was soooo hot?  Well I was out there this morning.  It is very very pleasant. Here’s something I’d like to do though before I leave this time – walk on the beach with a sweater.  Not that I haven’t done that before. I’ve walked on the beach a few times when it was freezing but I don’t know, it’s something about the fall weather that is just exhilarating.  When it’s still warm but there’s a cool breeze, well…if the weather people are right I might be able to get my wish this weekend.  They keep talking about a cool down but it’s so hard to keep in perspective when the temps show high’s in the 80’s.  The day time highs at my mom’s for next week are 65°- talk about exhilarating.

I’m not sad about leaving FLA this time.  I’m getting much better at just going with the flow. Also I think it helps that my life seems to change on a dime so I’m getting much better at whatever…but I shall plan as if I’m leaving here Monday morning.  I’m trying to figure out the clothes thing.  Almost all of my clothes are Florida clothes so should I leave them in the storage unit?  Okay yes, I still have a storage unit.  I went from a 10×10 space which was actually HIS unit.  Well, when we got it originally it was “our” unit, and then it became “his” unit, and then I was instructed to get out of “his” unit, so that’s the story on why everything had to go.  So I got the photo albums and a couple other things – things that I could move without assistance, no furniture, but I did keep my TV.  Anyway, my plan is to move it up to Virginia where a 5×5 unit is cheaper and I probably could go smaller and get rid of more stuff.  Now I’ll just have to figure out how to move it up there.  But that’s for another time.  I don’t have anyone kicking me out of this space…well not yet anyway.  So I know I’ll be back even if it’s just to get THAT stuff.  Always about the stuff, just less of it, but happy to have a tie that brings me back.

I finally answered the phone the other day when one of the credit card companies was calling and then just broke down in tears about not being able to pay.  I think it might have worked in my favor. I didn’t cry on purpose but it’s so humiliating so at least they know now that I can’t pay and the phone is quieter, they’re not calling anymore.  They asked when I moved out, when my situation changed, and after I told them it was June they ended up thanking me for paying as much as I have since June.  Wasn’t that nice?  I promised them that I “want” to pay my bills I just can’t at this moment.  But that could all change tomorrow.  Probably not “tomorrow – tomorrow” but maybe in a month or so.  Who knows.  But answering the phone was a hurdle in itself.  I’ll just have to go back to using cash if I ever get back on my feet.  I had to do that for years before, I can do it again.  It’s not a bad way to live for sure.

Also, if you find yourself ever thinking a 2 seater car is a good purchase make sure you use cash only.  Because when you end up having to live out of your car it would be better to be able to trade it in for something bigger.

Just some homeless tips..stuff to think about.

And yes I know I’m not homeless in the cardboard box sense.  I am very happy staying here with Stephanie and Tim.  It’s going to be hard to leave them but I want to leave while we’re all still friends, before I wear out my welcome.  Mom’s are the ones that have to bear the brunt of this type of thing and my mom’s place couldn’t be better for regrouping (except for the no internet thing). I’m just grateful that I still have a living mom.  At our age it’s almost a luxury to still have a mom around.

Just think about all the payback and paying it forward I’ll get to do in my lifetime. I’m going to have a 5 bedroom house and have it open to anyone that needs temporary refuge.  I will have internet and TV’s and a desk in every room. These are the necessities I’ve learned along the way that are helpful to have during job searches (or writing books). I can’t wait to get started paying it forward.

I invited myself over to Mary Cute’s today. Thought I’d stop by to say hi/bye/whazzup and she’s having the girls over for poker.  I can’t decide if I should spend my last $20 on poker?  It is a free lunch and all.  Well, I’ll think about it and decide in an hour, when I’m hungry, and then I’ll think hmmm, lunch at Cute’s might be just the ticket, or, I could save money on the gas and eat something here at Steph’s.  So many decisions.

Have a nice weekend.

xoxoxo

The Florida Sheriff’s Youth Ranches of Pinellas County came today and took everything. I watched as they took it all, smiled most of the time.  Over half of the bins were marked fragile and they could care less.  I finally said “geez, this is my life here” and then they were a little more respectful.  Then one of the movers said that his mom is in jail and neither him or his sister can bail her out so he was feeling bad that she’s going to have to spend time in jail.  Diane always says: “there’s always someone better and always someone worse” – there are also those in similar circumstances and well….whatever…I’m not alone…it’s not the end of the world by any stretch…and it could always be worse.  However, those that offered advice and comfort all said I would feel release, relieved or some “r” word. Although I smiled when they were loading it, I could not stay and watch them drive away.   I am not relieved nor do I feel release or any “r” word.  I’m sad but I’m not devastated.  I’ve had some time to get used to the idea.  But it’s not freeing (oh wait, that’s not an “r” word – I should have known – an “f” word.)  – well it’s gone and that’s that.  I did save my photos and a couple of Christmas bins. It’s all good. It is what it is.

Here’s a ridiculous storage war story – I had tried to sell some items and posted everything on Facebook – two women fought over the folding table for $10 – a third person posted to not buy from me because I’m rude and so I took all the contents off-line and gave it all away.  Except I made $25 on TV trays. Treated myself to breakfast last Saturday.  I also made some money on 2 sets of china.  I didn’t shed a tear when all the dishes were gone. I’m ready for new stuff,,, some day.

I almost sold the couch but this consignment place was really struggling trying to decide so I just gave that away too.

I was able to find Max’s (my dogs) ashes and spread his ashes in the Gulf.  First I went to Ozona to a spot I used to ride my bike to but it was too rocky, so then I went to this park where I used to go all the time.  I sprinkled his ashes in some water, a little trees nearby and sand.  It’s been an emotional day.  Having to move out had nothing to do with spreading his ashes, well it did sort of. I didn’t want them to accidentally end up in some resale shop.  It’s been an emotional day.

I also was able to save my Terrible Towel signed by Rocky Blier and my yoga toes. Life is good!

Well enough of that – time to move on, seriously.

Speaking of moving on my “plan” is to head back to Virginia in a few days, unless Stephanie needs me here 🙂

Now that the storage issue is over and I have no job I don’t have a reason to stay.  I had an interview last Friday and even though I thought “this” was it,  it seemed like it went really well, as they all do, I did not get the job so I have told the head hunter to quit looking for jobs for me and I’m just going to head back north. There are no hurricanes predicted so at least I can make the trip without peril.   I can’t imagine what would prevent me from going to Virginia this time but if I’ve learned anything it’s to not be surprised when my plans are thwarted. Stay tuned.

I want to start talking about the weather again.  I miss my mundane mindless rants. Today is a perfect time to start back with them.  There is talk of a cool down here in sunny FLA but the high’s over the weekend are showing 80°.  I’m not sure where the “cool down” is.  80° is beautiful. I don’t think I’ll leave before I get to enjoy a little bit of that.  I met a friend at the beach last Sunday and we actually went in the water and floated.  The water temp is cold, maybe even in the 70’s now, but it was still very enjoyable.  A lovely day with a lovely friend.  AND I got to float.  Ya know?  Loved it. Maybe I’ll go to Virginia until it’s time to float again.  It COULD happen that way.  It’s time to start living in my head again.  It’s a really nice place.

I’m looking forward to buying my next couch.  I’m going to get a dog and let her (or him) sleep on it.  I can’t wait.

xoxoxo

Today I am a writer and I am an author.  There is a difference.  From Google:

According to the dictionary, a writer is ‘one who expresses ideas in writing’ or ‘one engaged in literary work.’ An author is ‘a person who writes a novel, poem, essay etc, the composer of a literary work.’

I am a writer because I write this blog.  And NOW I am an author because I finished my book today!  Yes I did!! It is hard to explain or express what I’ve been going through with this book.  Since June I’ve been working on making Finally Florida a book. Granted I didn’t take as long as some people that take years to write a book.  But my book is not their book and we all have a different style and/or different subject.  Well anyway, for me, for 5 months getting this book written, edited, and out to an agent has been at the forefront of my thoughts, in every fiber of my being, around the clock. You may think, well those that know me and know my employment situation, that perhaps a job should be at the forefront of my thoughts but I will tell you that is not the case.  As a matter of fact it is because I never want an office job again that the book was even MORE at the forefront of my being. An office job is something that I have done all my life because I have to.  It has never been anything that I have aspired to.  I have just done it and I’ve been good at my jobs.  I’ve always been good at my jobs.  But today “I” did something. Today it’s all about me. I have no one to thank but myself.  Well I have a lot to people to thank but I mean I am the only one that has believed in this project as much as I have, I have believed in myself.  Although Stephanie now runs a close second. As soon as I mention the book there is a tendency for everyone to dismiss the book as nothing other than something to do in my spare time. To me it has been my job.  Interviewing for an office job is what I’ve been doing in my “spare” time.

When I lived in the apartment at the beach this past summer I started the book.  I had at least two false starts before finding my groove. Thanks to Emily and Sandy who got me on the start that I finally went with, and then I just took off and kept going.  I would freeze when my future living accommodations were at stake.  Like end of July and in August there was some time that I just froze not knowing what was going to happen.  I think people falsely believe that in desperation you are motivated, but certain stages of desperation are also overwhelming to the point where you just freeze.  I was at that freezing stage a couple times.  However, I did tell my landlord that I “finished” the book while I was at his place, which was the goal.  Finish the book at the beach.

All writers and authors will agree that writing the content is only ½ the battle.  Since then I have been formatting and editing.  The month at my mom’s was mostly formatting.  Actually while there I got it all formatted. I remember telling her that I was done with the formatting and feeling a sense of accomplishment.  Because of the way I was writing it, there was A LOT of formatting to be done.  Looking back as I’m writing this post I am realizing that at each place (the apartment and my mom’s) I accomplished a piece of the puzzle at each place.

So now, here at Stephanie’s, I’ve been printing it out.  50 pages at a time.  Then I read it and manually edit it, then make the edits in the document , then give the handwritten edits to Stephanie and she’s been reading it to see if she “likes” it and how it flows.  I was prepared at every step along the way for her to say “this is stupid” “this is boring” “yea this drones on and on” but what did she say ALL the time?  She said “I’m done, where’s the next section?”  Since her boss would not know to read this blog I will share that she was buried in my book instead of working, which is bad since she is supporting both Tim and I now.  But very encouraging for me.  She gave me suggestions to make corrections for clarity and her suggestions have been great. She also apologized to me today, which made me cry, and said she didn’t realize how much my past life meant to me (she understands after reading the book) and she’s sorry.  I guess she got sucked into the story. It was validating both that my writing is good and that my sadness is justified. Oh and she wants to meet Zenah.  LOL. Everybody wants to meet Zenah.

I told my mom recently (when she asks what I’m doing with myself) that I just want to finish this book.  I have felt so compelled, so driven, so focused on getting this part of the process done that I couldn’t think of anything else.  I’ve stayed up many nights past 2:00 am both here and my mom’s just focused.  I felt like I was on a deadline. Some self-imposed deadline, but deadline none the less.  I felt like I needed to get it done before I leave Stephanie’s and since I never know when that is going to be, or had to get it done before I start a full time job, which I also don’t know when that is going to be so I’ve worked like a mad woman. But today, I declared it finished and then I sent out three queries to three different agents. And then I had this overwhelming feeling of relief and accomplishment.  I need to send to 300 more agents but still the next phase has begun and I can let out a heavy sigh.

I am not naïve enough to think that I have written the next best seller and that I’ll make my first million before the end of next year, but of course wouldn’t that be nice? But here is what I have done in my lifetime. I’ve created something.  I have done something that is all me.  Something that I’ve wanted to do for longer than I can remember.  That I talked about doing openly on a blog for 2 years, that I worked hard at and if I can be so bold to say that I think I’m good at. I used the same work ethic that I’ve always had to get it done.  I worked hard, was dedicated and focused. It felt good.  It feels good.

Of course now I need a job to support myself but this accomplishment is bigger than that, to me, whether or not I ever earn a dime from it.  And even earning money for your hard work is subjective. Look at my brother.  A genius talented musician and well you haven’t heard him on the radio now have you? Some people create masterpieces every day and are used to the creation (and rejection) process.  This is my first one.  Kinda like having your “first” baby.  It’s the start of something new.

I was sitting on the bay today on a park bench, rewarding myself with a well-deserved break from my hard work,  watching the water and the sky, birds and boats and I even saw some dolphins. I think I sat there for 2 hours. There was a strong breeze that felt so good.  The temperature these days is perfect.  Not too hot this time of year.  I plugged in my headphones, opened Spotify on my phone, turned the music up and looked at the sky.  Usually I only have one earphone in so I can hear what’s going on around me but today, both earplugs in, volume up.  It’s no wonder I’m slightly deaf.  BUT it was wonderful. I felt like I was in a movie, like “in” the movie.  The music was the score of the movie I was in.  The birds in the sky were part of the movie.  They flew in rhythm to the music.  It was beautiful.  It is my life.  My life is beautiful.

xoxox

Here is something I can say about myself.  I don’t stay down for very long…typically.  I obviously have down days trying to figure all this out BUT I have to admit every day when I wake up I forget about what it was I was down about (usually) and well it’s a new day and I forge ahead.  I’m not gonna lie and say that I’ve never woken up already depressed but for the most part – I’m going 80% or more of the time – each day is a new slate and I just start over.  It’s not that I do that consciously it’s just that I forget and move on I guess. Sometimes it helps in a relationship that I forget what I was mad about but probably there are times when I’m supposed to remember so not to repeat mistakes.  Therein “may” lie some of my problems.

So today (actually starting with last night) I figured that what I’m going through has nothing to do with being “homeless.”  I think, and I really do feel this, that it’s more about me and my things.  I have so little things in comparison to most but I have noticed that I have a strong attachment to those things.  Again, we’ve been so over this in these blogs  But…BUT, I don’t think this time at all is about being without a “home” – I think it’s about getting myself to trust in the future – to part with things is parting with who I “thought” I was, well not even who I “thought” – just who I was and the memories that go with them.  But I’ll still be that person right?  I guess that’s what I cling to.  I have so little trust that I’ll ever be happy again, or have “things”, or whatever it is that I cling to that bowl for, or that Christmas decoration or those dishes that I have memories around. However, I know somewhere in me that I will someday have new things.  My kids will still like me – I’ve hung onto a couple of things and they will look at those couple of things someday and smile at whatever it is they remember but the rest of it…it’s gotta go.  So see? That’s what this is about (maybe) just getting rid of those things. Now if I can make a buck or two and pay a bill well then that’s just a bonus. Already I’ve made enough on selling just one set of dishes that I can pay my car insurance bill.  See?  Life is good.

Moving on…I’m deciding that I’m more of a loner than I thought.  I really like being by myself.  I like other people and I like touching base, having lunch, the occasional yammering on the phone, but I really really like being alone.  I like walking on the beach alone, I like writing these ramblings alone, I like watching TV alone…I like being alone.  However, (you should know that I always have a however) I do miss many aspects of Philip.

There I said it.  People have been asking me if I miss him, would I go back, questions like that.  As you may or may not know I am working on turning Finally Florida into a book. So in doing that I’m reviewing all of the blogs. I can’t help but smile and reminisce when reading it. I mention the word “fun” alot. That’s the word I have most often used when I talk about Philip – I had “fun” with him.  I also remember telling Zenah one time that he has been the only person in my life that I have not gotten sick of…after 3 years…and that has never happened before. I always enjoyed his company.  So who wouldn’t miss that? The conversation that day between Zenah and I was about how opposite she thought her dad and I were. Tashah used to say she thought we were perfect for each other because we were so alike. I know what both of them saw and they were both right. Well, anyway, the point is sure I miss him, but no I don’t want to go back. And again, I think this whole separation of “things” and me has alot to do with it. Maybe it’s because the “fun” and the “things” took front and center of me being me? Although I would even disagree with that because I think it was because of him that I became this writer (even though he has told me how bad my punctuation is). I remember me asking a friend one time if she would go back with her husband and she said she could only do it with blinders on not thinking about it.  I would never wish that on myself.  I would never go back with blinders on.  I would never go back without many many conditions – eyes wide open – and lots and lots of therapy.  Since I know that is not going to happen (therapy) I know it’s not an option and therefore I don’t entertain the idea at all.

Speaking of books and all, let’s say I get this thing actually published. I know I can self publish but let’s just say I get it published. I mention alot alot of names. Mostly first names but there is the occasional last name. Like Cathy Susko is almost always CathySusko – one word – because that’s what she is in my mind…Cathysusko..There are no deep secrets about anyone obviously just about Cathy Susko white tile floors, or floating in the Besong pool.  There is one or two references to Bobby Rondinelli…anyway, everyone needs to think about whether or not they want their name changed.  I don’t think it’s a big deal and think it could be fun to read your name in a book….maybe…especially since my book is so mindless…Obviously I will change my housemates names.  I’m thinking I will become Lydia McDougal. Hmmm, should McDougal have one “l” or two? McDougall?  I am keeping a list of all the names I have mentioned in the book.  I have alot of them that I will do a search and replace but I’m telling Diane right now that I think she has to stay in there as Diane and “Di” – it just doesn’t work any other way.

And my last thought of the day…for today…you all know I like to walk on the beach right?  I love it actually. It clears my head, I get sun on my face, I get a dose of Vitamin D.  I also like to walk barefoot.  My old neighbor used to scold me a bit about wearing walking shoes to protect my back and whatnot but I just like to walk barefoot, with those unpainted toenails, in the sand and occasionally in the water.  I start here on 2nd Avenue and I walk down to about 14th Ave before I turn around and come back.  I could walk further but it’s the coming back around that I have to keep in mind.  Even with that small distance every time I get back to our house I am holding my hip where it starts hurting.  I know it’s that sciatica thing.  I think it’s from the slanted beach walking.  I’m not walking on a level surface.

Today when I was down around 14th or 15th Ave I stepped on a seashell that went right into my heel.  No blood or anything but just didn’t give and I had to stop for a bit until the pain calmed down (I’m fine)  I happened to see the handsome man from the other day (who said hi to me twice) – just sort of hanging around there.  He did not come to my aid.  I have cancelled the wedding invitations.

Thank you all for caring, I am fine. I am really fine!!

xoxoxo

A writing “coach” told me that she likes my writing because it’s an honest look at the human experience.  It went something like that – something about the human experience.  Amy, my northern most follower, told me to blog both positive and negative.  “Contrast” she said.  I like to stick to the positives.  So here are some of the positives in this current human experience of mine:

I’m in Florida.  Everyone knows how much I love Florida.  Sunny days, warm temperatures, it feels familiar and even though I don’t have a home I feel at home here in Florida. Temperatures are perfect.  Still in the 80’s (not 90’s).  I can walk on the beach without sweating profusely.  It’s even supposed to be in the 50’s Sunday morning.  Good thing I’ve brought some sweatshirts.

Stephanie’s home is very cute and comfortable.  I sleep really well.  There’s everything here I need (food, laundry, beach)…she too lives steps from the beach so I can run over to the Gulf for sunset and I can run over to the Bay for the moonrise. And when I say run I mean saunter.  Either way (Gulf or Bay) is steps from her home. Stephanie’s husband Tim is very pleasant and considerate and doesn’t seem to mind me being here.  I don’t even mind their two cats.  I usually don’t like cats…but they have nice cats.  It’s been a very pleasant experience.  Also Tim watches MSNBC.  I would have problems if it was a Fox News house.  Just sayin and I’m leaving it there.  Also I have a TV in my bedroom and in the office where I’m on the computer so it wouldn’t really matter if I didn’t like what he was watching I can come into another room. It’s just the two of us during the week as Stephanie travels for her job.

A positive in comparison to my mom’s is there is TV and internet which who knew I would have taken for granted.

My tan is returning which makes me feel like I look better.  I hate wearing makeup and when I have even a little bit of tan I quit wearing it.

Because I’m not working I am able to sit at the beach, meet friends for lunch, run errands and try and take care of some loose ends (storage woes) because I have all this free time.

I have friends here in Florida – people to see, people to visit.

My skin tags are falling off.  Do you know what they are?  They’re like pieces of skin that grow on my neck  They look a bit like moles that hang there.  Well last week the dermatologist said she could freeze them off so I was like “have at it” – which she did – and they looked 1000% worse.  These black gross pieces of skin on my neck.  Needless to say I was wearing scarves (except when I met poor Gay Lynn for lunch – she had to look at them) but the good news is they are falling off just like they are supposed to and I can see that my neck will look much better very very soon.  This goes under the positive category.

I already blogged about seeing the Baker girls.  Got my girl fix for a while.

I’ve made progress on the storage woes.

A very handsome man on the beach said hi to me, twice.

And now for the contrast, the human experience:

I am homeless.  There is no sugar coating it, there is no other word for it.  I am homeless.  I have never met anyone that is homeless other than those we see on the streets and who we walk on by.  While it is true that I have places to stay and I am very appreciative of that (the positive of being homeless) the reality of it is I am truly truly h.o.m.e.l.e.s.s.  I can’t even process this most days.  There was a time, and for a long time, that I wanted to test the world, test God and quit Point Park without having another job.  I thought it would be an interesting experiment and I wanted to write about it.  And look at that I am doing it, I’m writing about it (but not able to let go of the job hunting part.)  BUT, here’s what I said over and over and over and over….I don’t think my path in life is to be homeless…I was sure God did not want me to be homeless.  I was SURE of it.  What use would I be being homeless?, I thought.  Wouldn’t I be worth much more to life, to God, to be doing something productive?  Giving back to the world in a productive way? I really wanted to do it. I really want to just quit and live day by day and see what would happen. I thought it would be worth the risk.   Well then, Phil happened and I DID quit my job and I did have a brand new life and I WAS productive and I WAS doing something worth it. I was there for this family and I was being rewarded for it in many many ways.  Pedicures, horseback riding, trips to home, moms, vacations, a new car and my credit score was gooooddd.  But then, you followers of Finally Florida know what happened and I left that place.  I didn’t question leaving just like I didn’t question moving here with him in the first place.  All the pieces around “leaving” just fell into place and I was rewarded again with this perfect small place on the beach, so see?  God was proving to me that he/she was watching over me.  I did the right thing, something new was going to open up. My life was going to take off in a different direction now.  My time there was appreciated, as proven by my summer at the beach, but now I was supposed to move on.  Bills were getting paid, I was writing, I was engaged in life, not like I was before, no volunteering, no Reiki but still was engaged in trying to rebuild my life.  And then the bottom fell out because nothing was working.  Nothing was opening up.  It slammed closed.  I went to my mom’s. Even in my “quit work and test the Gods” scenarios I would always say to myself…how bad can it be?  I’d just go to my moms. BUT I never ever thought it would get that far.  So here I am in Virginia, I thought well now something in Virginia will open up.  I’m supposed to be here now I thought. A new adventure I guess. A new blog. Not where I want to be but a beautiful place, and time with mom was great. Although I didn’t apply to as many jobs as I do here in Florida (I hadn’t been there long enough yet) I did apply to jobs there and as has become the norm, I did get rejected…still..and again… and then the Florida job calls and well kismet right?  And I got here through the hurricane.  You all read that story.  At least I thought I’d get through a month of bills with some income, as I knew it was a temporary job but I thought perfect, settle the storage issue, and then maybe I’d go back to Virginia and keep trying there.  And nothing, absolutely nothing is going how I envisioned.  NOTHING. As you all know the temp job fell through and now here I am in Florida with no job…again. I’ve applied to more and more jobs, I had one interview which I was excited about but I’m going to guess that I’m not getting that one either.  I’ve had a Skype interview with a staffing agency in Richmond. Everything seems to go well but then nothing happens.  So no I haven’t been able to pay one bill in October (okay I did pay one bill).  I don’t want money from friends or family, I’m past that.  It was okay as a tide-over because well, we all knew that my life was going to take off any minute, right? but now I’m past that.  I mean if God’s not going to help me why should anyone else?  I’m doing my part but clearly he is not paying attention.

It’s hard to be in a situation like this and not constantly question God.  Constantly.  I don’t know whether to like him, hate him, or even question the existence at all?  It’s kind of easy to blame God because well who else am I going to blame?  Myself? What good would that do?  I already feel bad enough about myself so it just seems like I need some help here and well he/she seems like the logical choice to turn to.

So what am I learning?  God could care less that I’m homeless.  God could care less if I pay my bills.  God could care less about my credit score.  God apparently doesn’t want me to have an office job – that part I’m okay with – but I still need that income?

However, God does care about my safety and getting through hurricanes.  God cares that I have very comfortable homes to “camp” in in the meantime.  God cares that I have very very good and loving  friends and family.  God knows that I want to be here in Florida and has made sure that I get here and seems like he makes it difficult to leave so my “joy” at being here is prolonged. Every time I think it’s time to go, to head north, I can’t go again because I have too much to do with that stupid storage, or I get a call for an interview.

On the good side of the storage woes, I was able to move some stuff into a smaller unit –  all the things that I wanted to keep – very very few things I saved, and was ready to give the rest of it all away to Hospice who will come and pick it up.  But my friend told me that I am in no position financially to give anything away and I should try and sell it.  Again I thought THAT was the answer. I will sell it and I’ll get through another month. Not only did I not get one bite I got a nasty email from someone saying that I’d be lucky to get $150 for the entire storage unit.  Okay thanks buddy.  So now I have to drive 40 miles – one way – and bring one box at a time to this replacement china store that had previously offered me a couple hundred dollars for some of my china.  But because I live out of my car, literally my back seat is full of clothes and my trunk is also full, I only have room for one box at a time. Maybe next week I’ll put everything from the car on my bed here and try a couple of boxes at a time.  So tomorrow I’ll take my one box over to the China shop and if they give me anything at all it’ll probably just cover the gas to go back and forth to the storage unit.  And THEN I’m calling Hospice back and have them come back and get it all. I’ve been told, again just today, that getting rid of all of this stuff will be very freeing. And well, we’ve been over this so many times in this blog.  It is freeing but it also is just another reminder of the reality of the situation that I am homeless.  Just another reminder that I don’t have a home for any of it.  I don’t have a choice.  The only thing that’s freeing about it is after it’s all gone I’ll be free to go back to Virginia, where it will be cold, but at least it’s my mom that has to bear the burden of my presence…and I can give Stephanie her room back.

And here’s what my thought was today.  Where is the best place to live without a car?  So if my life keeps going the way it is –  is staying with my mom the best place to be where there is no public transportation incase at some point in my life I am supposed to work again?  I can’t stay with Stephanie indefinitely so I won’t be here long enough to get my car repossessed.  Should I live in Pittsburgh where I know there is public transportation? And if I go back to Pittsburgh where in Pittsburgh would I live?  Or should I even give up working at all and just stay in with my mom and have the neighbor grocery shop for both of us? I guess if I am “lucky” enough to get a job then I would be able to eventually get a car again I suppose.  Well the point is, these are the thoughts that I am thinking now.  Where is the best place for me to be even MORE homeless and MORE destitute.

Can you even imagine having these thoughts for real?  Like I am having these thoughts for real?  I know I’m not the only person in the world  that loses everything, has their car repossessed (maybe), has bad credit (I’ve been there before) but it sure does make you feel like you are a bad person, a very bad person.  Like you are stupid and have done everything wrong. Like everything that is happening to you is your fault.  That all the signs you thought you were following and all the talking to God that you do and all the trusting your instincts that you are on the right path, well that basically you have been wrong about everything. Like how you thought God cared about your happiness? How far back do I have to go to know that “this” is where it all started to go wrong?  If I had to guess I would go back to 2006.  But it doesn’t really matter now does it?  I am here.  At the beach. See? I can’t even decide if I’m happy or not. I truly love so much of this time so has he answered some prayers?  It sure seems like he has. (and I realize God is not really a “he”)

I did this thing/game on Facebook – it said “click here for your advice from heaven.”  Here’s what I got:

Lynn, these words are your advice from heaven: Stay strong, make them wonder how you’re still smiling.  (how did it know?)

Blame the blog contrast piece (also known as whining) today on Amy – however, it’s truly an unusual human experience.  I don’t know whether to wish you all a piece of it or not.  So much of my life is perfect – I’m right where I want to be.

xoxoxo

No I didn’t get a job.  BUT I did have dinner with two of the Baker girls.  I love those girls. It was fun catching up with Zenah. We had alot of catching up to do. We had to wait a couple hours for her sister to join us at dinner and I don’t know about her but the time flew while I listened to her stories.  She’s applying for colleges, she’s writing her essays, boyfriend stuff, lots of boyfriend stuff, school stuff, teachers she likes, homework, eating habits, she’s working alot, LAX starting soon.  Love that girl.  Alyna showed up later because she had to work earlier.  She’s cooking for people.  “I” could cook for people; however, she really cooks making fancy shit.  Anyway, I’m very happy for her.  She’s busy.  Too busy as usual, but that’s just her.  Tashah was a no show but it’s okay.  Everyone is busy.  Jorden, well I don’t know how I’ll catch up with him.  But, it felt good seeing them, really good.  And now that I’m not crying everytime I see Zenah I hope to see them more often.

What?  Does that mean I’m staying here?  It means NOTHING.  It just seems like something natural to say.  I still have no idea what is going on with me on a day to day basis, but….BUT…I’m even calmer about that.  I am not only talking about taking one day at a time, I’m actually doing it and feeling it.  Each morning I wonder what’s going to happen.  Is today the day that it all falls apart even more? OR is today the day when it will all start to come together again.  OR am I still in-between.  There are a lot of in-between days apparently.

I went to a writing workshop this weekend.  Those workshops are very motivational for me to keep working on my book. The girls were fun last night coming up with names for themselves in the book. Stephanie has been helping reading and encouraging me to keep going. These in-between days are good for editing.  It’s a lot of work.  I’m in such a rush to get it done and then I meet people who work on a book for years…..years.  However, I think it’s basically done and I’m just working on edits so it’s okay to feel like I’m on the home stretch.  Right?

I also went to the beach a couple times over the weekend. I am successfully getting my bronze color back.  I left one month ago, okay a month and a half. When I left here I was floating, the water temp was in the 90’s. So I leave for just a short period of time, right?  The air temps are still hot but that water is freezing!  Maybe not actually Pacific coast freezing but there will be no floating going on.  We did manage to dip our heads in one day but it’s one of those things that you have to work up the courage to go under.  It’s cold.  How did that happen?  I am very very sad about that.  Yesterday I came up with a temporary solution of putting my beach chair “in” the water on the shore so I was successfully cooled off, reading a book, in the water.  So it might be the “fall” (i.e. autumn) method of floating.  I don’t understand how the air is still hot but the water is cooled off.  These are the perplexing quandaries that fill my days…how to successfully hang on the beach.

I must get ready for a job interview. Yes I have one. I’ll fill you all in later.

xoxoxo