I took my crystals on a field trip today. Someone recently told me (or I read it) that crystals need to connect with the earth periodically. I keep them on my windowsill and assume I am cleaning them with the sun and moon light that blasts through these gigantic windows but there is no earth right outside these windows so I packed them up and took them on a field trip to the Point. Point State Park that is. I took water (to drink) I took a beach towel, a journal, my phone and there I sat with my stones for a pretty long time. I think it was the same area where Diane and I might have sat 44 years ago when we used to skip school and go to the Point to get sun on our faces. I put my face in the sun for a little while today but I don’t know if it’s my age or the sun is hotter but I just can’t take that straight sunshine these days. So I went under a tree, part shaded, part sunny. Best of both. And there I sat with my stack of crystals and thought about life. Figured I could use some earth grounding time as well.
These past 2 weeks have been unbelievably busy. I believe I mentioned my youngest, James Anthony, got a job offer in San Francisco. He had one week to pack up and one week for travel and that’s where mom comes in. The time together was priceless (although literally costly as well) but the time we spent together packing boxes was a perfect way for us both to start this next adventure. After a week of packing with them, I sent Jimmy and Emily on their way, on Wednesday, while I stayed behind with the moving company and movers to basically sit in the house while they packed up all their furniture. The moving company did an excellent job of wrapping everything. One guy to wrap, one to do all the lifting and moving to the truck and one to play Tetris in the truck. The Tetris one is the one I should have been monitoring as in the end I’m not exactly sure they didn’t get a bit ripped off as the quote more than doubled when they said the amount of cubic feet used in the truck was blah blah amount after it was loaded. They put the mattress in last so I couldn’t see behind it and see how much space was unused. Crooks. And no way I could hoist myself in the truck either. BUT they did such a wonderful job of not banging into any walls and were so pleasant that I just left that issue between Jimmy and them and we decided it might be cheaper to buy all new furniture if ever moving across country again. But cost aside it’s mostly going very smooth. I just hope they get their stuff on the other end. I mean who knows if these are real movers or what. Anyway, after the movers were out I went the next day to clean up after them to get it ready for showings by the realtor So the movers came Wednesday. The kids left Wednesday. Thursday I think was a day of rest in the daytime but headed back over to take out the garbage Thursday night (and you know how that can pile up after a move) and then Friday was cleaning day. The Veterans were to come on Friday to pick up their loot so I went on Friday morning, early, so I would be there when they “called”. Around 1 pm, no call yet so I decided to head just down the hill to the Dollar store to get a front hall door mat for the people going in and out looking at it and wouldn’t you know they show up just then – no call – and then just leave a message that they wouldn’t wait. They called to say they were there and no one was there. Ya know? WTF. I was livid. Blind rage I tell you. It’s an issue. I understand. I said I’d give them the garage code. They said they’re not allowed in the garage. I said they were supposed to call. They said they had no note to call. I said you have my number don’t you? How did you get that to call if you didn’t have the number to call (Emily made sure they had my number to call) anyway, the person I was yelling at was so wonderful, such a good customer service person and I should send her a basket of fruit. Maybe I will because she was really good with me until she said “please quit yelling at me” – and then I felt a little bad and apologized and started crying. I mean it was a really bad time for a couple hours. Until I decided to rent a U-Haul and took all the stuff to Goodwill. Eff them. I mean seriously. They could have waited 5 minutes and who doesn’t call first? I mean seriously. I rented a 10’ box truck and was loading and unloading and zipping (as much as one can zip during rush hour) all over that city. I gotta say. I really like driving those trucks. I’m not sure what that says about me. But what I think it’s saying is I should buy a motorhome. All this time I’ve been thinking I need a home-home to settle. Maybe I just need a motorhome. And now I can drive coast to coast to visit family. Maybe a motorhome AND a Lake House. That’s the ticket.
So what was this blog about again? Perspective? What was I supposed to be doing at the Point with my crystals? Grounding I think. See how I am? I think I’m grounding and then I go off on a tangent about motorhomes. And you can bet I will be scrolling through motorhomes tonight on the internet. When I lived in Port Orange, Florida there was a mall nearby that had oodles of them in the parking lot for you to walk through and I admit that’s the first time I fell in love with them. I mean they have everything in them. Beds, kitchens, bathrooms! And then if you throw your camp chair in the motorhome storage all you need to do is pull out the side awning and you have your outdoor patio. Wouldn’t that be some kind of new thing for me.
Okay, perspective, wait no, grounding.
Well, the reality of it is now I have one child on each coast. This is not an anomaly. I am not unique. Most of the parents I know, of my peers, have at least one child out in the world away somewhere. Barb has all three children living hours away. All three. At least now she has all three on the east coast. But anyway, my point being I’m not unique. My situation is not unique, but it is new to me. And I have to figure out my place in the world again. When I moved back to Pittsburgh I clung to the fact that my kids are here and that’s why I’m here. But now I have one gone and one here. I do have a pretty big social life and friend circle. But I believe in my mind they are just extensions of my reason for living. My kids. That’s where I have to change my perspective. I need a different reason to exist. I mean it’s one thing to be on call to go let the dog out or dog sit while they go away, but it shouldn’t be my reason to live. And now that I’m faced with this new situation I realize that I am STILL living for my kids. I think this has to change. I need another reason to live.
And I don’t mean that like literally, but I do. I mean I just have to change my focus.
Right after I get back from dog sitting in San Francisco over Labor Day weekend.
Obviously I am out of synch with this blog. Retirement is a busy busy place. Or is it being a retiree is a busy busy place to be. Regardless, I’m over busy. Busier than I was when I was working full time. However, everything I’m doing is something fun. Something I want to do. Something I’m making time for. So there’s the difference. And what a difference it is. However, I still need to find balance.
And what exactly have I been doing? Exploring the world and my surroundings. For instance, Sally and I went to the Pittsburgh Botanical Gardens. A short 20-minute drive and it’s like an oasis of beautiful nature. Right in our backyard. A nice 3 mile hike around it. Seriously I want to live there. We’ve also being doing other hikes. Some in our (her) backyard of Sewickley, which has always been a beautiful place to be. I grew up in those woods and now I’m appreciating just how beautiful and fortunate I was to grow up there. I’ve also been on this rowing (crew) team. This however has not been my favorite thing to do. The river is dirty, our boat gets overcome(?) by waves from other boaters going by. Physically I love it. It’s a great workout, but am I going to sign up again? No. I’m going to move on to Kayaking. I think that will be more my pace.
Let’s see what else. Puzzles. Puzzles are my new obsession. So much so that I forget to eat. I called Zachary one day thinking I was having a heart attack as I was so dizzy. He asked if I had eaten anything, to which I replied no thinking it was only around noon. But alas, it was 6:30 at night and I neither looked at the clock or thought to get myself away from that puzzle long enough to eat. I ate and all was well. But puzzles. They have to be good for our minds with all that geometry and color matching and seeing patterns and what not. But, I’m putting them on the back burner for now cause literally I miss too much of life. I had two appointments yesterday that I skipped because I was too involved in finishing. That’s bad. But it certainly shows I’m focused. Zachary has suggested adult paint by numbers. He wants me to paint him a Van Gogh. I’ll do it. I loved paint by numbers as a kid. And well when a kid asks you for something who am I to say no.
Now I know that you working people are rolling your eyes over the basic fun things I am doing (which I’ve not even mentioned half) BUT these are life affirming to me. One day I was doing this self-help (or whatever they call it these days) exercise where you write your perfect day, or your perfect life, write it down, and well I realized I am living my perfect life. How about that? I want for nothing and I love what I’m doing and if I try for something else and it doesn’t come together I’m like “oh well” – been there done that and I know it’s not meant to be because when it is the right thing, it comes together. OR falls apart. Whichever way. And I just don’t worry about it.
Here’s something else I’m knee (maybe ankle) deep in. Ancestry. My brother was just here for a visit. Drove across the country. He decided on his way back to California he was going to drive through Beardstown Illinois as that is where my Grandmother’s (on my mother’s side) family is from. We had spent all our childhood visits to Virginia, which is where my Grandfather (mother’s side) was raised. So all our history and relatives were focused on Virginia relatives, quite a lot about the Civil War. However, my grandmother and her family have years and years of history in this town called Beardstown. It’s sad when you think about how we just lost touch there. However, there really weren’t any relatives left there after my Grandot left and her mother died, my great grandmother. My great grandmother died in February of 1958, before I was born. So there was no one left in Beardstown anyway, as far as relatives. Grandot had one brother and he lived in Chicago. He didn’t have any kids. We never visited him either. I never met him. For years they sent us each $3 for Christmas and maybe birthdays. I really liked getting that $3 but somewhere along the line they quit sending that I think because we never thanked them. Which seems like that’s wrong because my mother always made us send thank you notes. That Uncle’s name was Merle. He was married to Irene. I remember as a kid I never knew who was the Uncle and who was the Aunt. I think I called him Aunt Merle and Uncle Irene. So even though we, as the grandkids, had no connection or knowledge of this place called Beardstown, I am now learning allll about it through my grandmother’s memories. We (my brother) managed to save a whole bunch of memorabilia from the house. He was the last one at Opus (the Virginia house) and managed to grab these ancient memories that we are now looking at. Talk about a rabbit hole. I spent a whole afternoon reading about Grandot’s childhood, her high school boyfriend, her life. And that was just ONE of the scrapbooks. I mean what a woman. What a story. And what ever happened to Ray (her boyfriend)? Her boyfriend Ray Glenn was the senior class president and my Grandmother was the class Valedictorian. And then at 17 years old she was traveling the country as a pianist in Vaudeville. 17 years old. And then she ends up in New York City, on Broadway. I mean her life was freaking amazing. And her parents so great and loving towards her. I have it all in letters, in Western Union Telegrams, in photos. So many photos. But the photos don’t always say who is who. On the back of my Great Grandmother’s family photo, where she is a kid, all the names are mentioned but not who is who. It’s making me look around at my family photos from when I was a kid and wondering if I need to start putting names of who is who on it for future generations. I’ve attached two of the newspaper articles onto this blog. And those are just two of the hundreds to go through. They also must have cut out every article of friends they knew in the town. My mother did that too. She cut out Susie Williams engagement/wedding announcements and Mary Lynn Delimbo wedding announcement. In 100 years people will wonder who they were. Do I keep them?
Scott (my brother) drove through Beardstown and it doesn’t seem to be the thriving Midwest town it once was. There is a funny story about him walking through the graveyard (a large graveyard) looking for all the family graves. We were on the phone a bit while he was looking around, but hung up after he was close to giving up. I told him he had to send out a little prayer and ask them where they all were. Just as he was giving up he walked over to a tree on the edge (I hope) to relieve himself before the drive back. Guys do that I guess. I mean I’m assuming he is respectful of where he does that kind of thing. I hope this story doesn’t get him arrested. Anyway, pees on a tree, turns around and there were all the McKenzies. LOL. (that’s the family name). So they did direct him! As for the town though, the town and houses are all in a bit of disrepair and that is just sad. Like life, you know? We have a lot of towns around Pittsburgh like that too. Once thriving because of the steel industry and now mostly boarded up. Just sad. And what does it all mean?
Alright, speaking of cross country (I did mention that in here somewhere didn’t I?) I am off to dog sit the baby Rooney (beagle) dog-son of Jimmy for the last weekend. Why is it the last weekend I am dog sitting? Oh, funny you should ask. Because he’s moving to San Francisco. That’s right, he’s moving 2,572.7 mi away. Sure I was in Florida away from them but that’s only 1000 miles away, a 2 hour flight and if you go Allegiant $100 round trip. Or a two day drive (one for those young-ins). California is a 4- or 5-day drive and THREE times as much in airfare. BUT I have a lot of company in fellow parents whose kids live around the world and/or across the country. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention how it’s killing me on one hand but on the bigger hand I’m so excited for him. I’ve so loved having my little family together – the 5 of us, when we do get together. And not that we won’t still get together because they will come back, but the dog may not be able to make the trips back and forth. I mean I KNOW the dog won’t be able to make the trips and that’s sad to all of us. Dogs these days are more than just dogs. They are our kids and grandpups and I will miss that little effer. Sooo, I just have to go visit San Francisco, often, that’s all. There are airplanes and I’ll be on one of them frequently I feel sure. Jimmy and Emily are in L.A. right now as they had this trip planned for months attending a friend’s wedding. But what timing when they are moving the week after. But that’s what mom’s are for. To pack while they are vacationing and help them on their way. I was able to soothe a lot of their fears by reminding them of my moving prowess. I am the queen of moving. So now I know why I’ve done so many moves, and so many last-minute moves. All to bring me to this point of helping my child out of the nest and spread his wings. I am confident that this move will be in his (and Emily’s) best interest and looking forward to seeing him evolve into adulthood. Doesn’t mean I won’t be in mourning for who knows how long. Better plan a lot of hikes.
So look at this, a long rambling like the old days. I didn’t think I had anything to say and here it is. Blah blah blah blah. So much going on, yet nothing work related. This is what life is about, and I’m living it and loving it.
I’m kinda stuck today. Last week I stayed at my sister’s house while she was out of town to take care of mom. Mom doesn’t need 24-hour care, but she does need someone to bring her food throughout the day. And with my sister gone I needed to stay overnight just of in case. You know my mom’s blind. Or if you don’t know, mom is blind. Although I am VERY set in my ways and I am unhappy when I’m not in my own home, it actually proved to be a lovely week. I was able to cater a bit more to my mom, because I’m retired, don’t you know, so there wasn’t any stress that I had to hurry up and feed her to check emails and do something stupid for someone else. So she enjoyed the attention and pace. Mostly I fed her all morning; feed, dishes, feed, dishes, feed. And then in the afternoon she’s good. She’s grazes in the morning and then the afternoons are pretty free for whatever. One day I went on a hike with friends. The next day I went to lunch with those same friends. One day I went shopping and out to lunch with my niece(s), two of those days I came home to the apartment to get clean underwear (TMI?) and check mail and just look around the apartment. I was grateful to spend the time with mom, grateful to be able to walk around my home town. I could not believe how many old friends and acquaintances I saw at the grocery stores and got to catch up with. It sort of felt like I was visiting from out of town. Well, I guess because I AM visiting from out of town, but that out of town is only 20 minutes away. Anyway, it was a lovely week and it never left my immediate gratitude that I am RETIRED and able to spend the time needed, and enjoy the time needed, with my mom and in my home town.
But now I’m home. Mom did ask “what are you going to do this weekend when you get home?” – and I was like “nothing, I guess. Just get reacquainted with my home?” I have such a routine now, when I’m home, and it all went out the window while watching mom. No morning yoga. No morning meditation. No morning readings and journaling. It was just coffee, toast, dishes, breakfast, dishes, snacks. I mean every morning. Although at least two of the afternoons I did write a little for a new book idea. It wasn’t a total lost week.
ANYWAYYYY, first of all, I didn’t get to sleep last night until after 5 am today. Why? Well could be the caffeine in the afternoon Diet Coke. Could be the caffeine in the chocolate covered pretzels. It wasn’t stress so it’s gotta be caffeine. So I slept through most of the morning. BUT my daily routine can start anytime. I did some yoga, Wordle, checked personal emails, my bank balance, then walked around the city doing a couple errands, pissed off that I forgot my CVS card allowing me 40% off a product and asking god why my rewards card is not tied to my phone number. But after that little kerfuffle I came home to my wide open day of what to do next. I decided to do a little Oracle card reading for myself, just incase the message was to prepare for lottery winnings, then I journaled a little, then I made the mistake of looking at Facebook.
This whole reversal of Roe v. Wade has me coming out, so to speak. I am sooo upset about the state of affairs in so many ways. Posts on Facebook are sayings about the Handmaid’s Tale, about setting our clocks back 50 years, about women taking a knee during national anthems and they are all so good but also all so horribly sad. I guess being sad doesn’t help but it has struck me to my core. I am NOT Pro-abortion. As a matter of fact, in highschool I did a senior presentation in my English class (with Shirley Stevens, god rest her soul) on anti-abortion. My slide show was to the Seals and Croft song “Unborn Child”. It isn’t (and wasn’t) that I’m against abortion, most of my friends, like 90% of my friends at the time, had abortions. I didn’t, if you must know. And I didn’t and don’t judge them. But what I felt bad about at the time, and still do, is the fact that these friends, and women in general, are put in a situation or a decision where they feel that they have to make that decision. It breaks my heart for them. I was very close to that decision at one point in my life and I CHOSE not to do it. And I’m thankful I was able to and had the mindset to choose. There are many people that choose NOT to have an abortion. It’s just it’s “our” choice and no matter what you choose you have to live with the consequences, good and bad. As does that child who also has to live with the consequences. Many that chose NOT to have an abortion do not have an easy time, struggling financially, emotionally and often physically. Imagine choosing to have your child and then not being able to afford to feed them, or clothe them, or have to work 17 jobs and not be home with them and then they are neglected or abandoned or worse. I mean it ain’t easy. And then there are those that chose to have an abortion and they too have to live with those consequences. Often of guilt, or sadness deep in their heart. I mean it’s us, the one’s carrying the child, and ultimately taking care of that child, that have to live with the choices. OUR choice. It’s nobody else’s right to make that choice for us.
And where is the dad in all of these decisions? Where is their responsibility? In many circumstances the dads are the one’s saying “get an abortion” in the first place. They sure don’t want the responsibility (sometimes…not all the time of course). Some/many dads in these types of situations with a surprise pregnancy do not want the burden of a child emotionally or financially. They can just walk away from it all. Does anyone EVER enforce child support? Is it ever enough? And what kind of psychological effect does that type of relationship have on a child? The parents always fighting. Parents going to court. A kid thinking his dad’s (or mom’s) love is tied to child support. I mean we weaponize everything in the name of children. They are the victims.
Then there is the matter of religion and bending your religious belief to fit the circumstances. It is amazing how people bend the constitution and religion to fit their definition of right and wrong. If God wanted you to have the choice of having a child YOU would be pregnant. I mean in religious terms/thinking, God granted women the gift, and the curse, of child bearing. I would “think” God understands that women have the sense and the burden of deciding what is best for their body, their circumstances and THEIR own child. Noone else has the right OR God would have made babies grow on trees. Not in women. But apparently the regular lay person can interpret right and wrong better than God can. God just must have made a mistake in this design. Doctor’s detect a heartbeat but how many people in hospitals are unplugged from breathing machines because they can’t live on their own without a machine? Their heart is beating? In the womb the heart is beating, is there a soul yet? Is there a soul in the person whose machine you just unplugged? What about the soul of the person you just shot with your automatic rifle that you are allowed to own and carry in public?
ON THE OTHER HAND, If the supreme court says that it’s not a government’s decision to decide abortion I do not disagree with that, so then why is it passed to a state’s government? GOVERNMENT should not be in the equation at all. That I do agree with. It is an individual choice. Not the government’s choice. So that does make sense to me. But passing it to another government is pretty convoluted right? Shouldn’t it be NO government’s decision. I don’t know, someone, anyone, help me out here.
No don’t.
I just thought, since I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my Saturday I would blog and so I did and this is what came out of my head. It didn’t get political, because abortion is not a political issue. It is a personal issue and one that is, at this moment, an issue pissing me off, to the point where I just decided to make my position known. I think it’s called venting. Now what I’ll do about it, other then venting on the page, is yet to be seen. I think the next fight is to have it dropped from the State’s politics as well. Just drop it from politics altogether. THAT is a decision I can get behind. I mean if the courts think it doesn’t belong in the government, then it doesn’t belong in ANY government. Am I right?
Crazy stupid politicians, Putin, war, people shooting in crowds and at each other, inflation (WORLDWIDE inflation for those of you Biden haters) – I mean how crazy is this world? It’s like our U.S. government says “SURE carry a gun and shoot someone if they have a can of soda in their pocket, especially shoot them 100 times with your automatic weapon because that makes sense. And then when you find out it was a Mountain Dew in their pocket and not a gun, well that’s okay because you THOUGHT it could be a gun. Oh and those bystanders that got shot? Well wrong place apparently. Go ahead, get another gun because really you may need that someday for the next person that you’re sure is out to get you. Because anyone needing an automatic weapon for protection against all these people coming for them doesn’t have mental illness. Thinking people are out to get you has never been a sign of mental illness. Anyone that wants an automatic weapon for protection is COMPLETELY sane. Your gun rights come before anyone else’s rights. You go ahead and buy that gun in the event you need to shoot some kids.”
Oh you’re a woman? Yea, no. You don’t have the right to SAVE your life, or prevent unwanted life for ANY reason (health of mother or child) There’s only the right to shoot the kids after they are born.
And my Oracle reading? Didn’t mention the lottery at all. Maybe the God’s are not that concerned with me and my lottery winnings and are off on another mission; hopefully saving us from ourselves, because we are doing a VERY poor job on our own.
I have something fun to share. I’ve uploaded my “book” Finally Florida to Amazon Kindle. If you do a search in Amazon you should pick the Kindle category so you can find it or you can try this link: Finally Florida. If you read it on the Kindle App I believe it’s free. If you buy it, it’s $3.99. I can’t decide why anyone would buy it if you can get it for free. I don’t really understand how it works. But it’s out there. There is no paperback edition…yet.
As a reminder (for anyone new) I started blogging when I moved to Florida in 2014. And then I wrote almost every day sharing the ups and downs (mainly ups) of my transition/move to Florida. In 2016 I started turning it into a book. With some encouragement, and with Stephanie’s editing, I believed it might be possible. But I never perfected it.
I started sending out to agents and had said that I would send to 200 agents before I give up. I sent to approximately 60 agents over the years and since you only send a query letter and maybe up to 50 pages no one ever asked to read to the end so I never bothered to finish it (as in clean it up.) I had one agency respond that they liked it but I filled out the wrong form. I didn’t follow up, I don’t remember why. Most of these places want you to have a million followers on a blog site before they’ll even look at you. I have 65 followers. BUT I refuse to believe that makes me a bad writer.
Stephanie made the first read through, then Melissa in Deland. Peggy Lambert who was in my book group in Port Orange read most of it and gave me a lot of editing advice. Another obstacle has been that it’s too long. So when I had absolutely nothing to do I would go through and make the edits Peggy suggested and then I started slicing away and cutting it. I had hoped an editor would say what to cut. When I would ask Diane about cutting certain things she would say “but that was a good one” – I am not a good judge of what people want to read.
Editing is a lot of work and it’s really hard to edit your own work. I don’t know where quotation marks should be among other punctuation marks. Plus the “charm” of the blog was the grammar and the voice. I don’t want to over edit it and change the voice. And sooo, I have decided that readers can help me proof and edit and let me know if they want to hear what happens at Sunset Beach (cause I left those three months out) or if it’s good as is. Melissa (and Stephanie) say it drags in the middle but then they kept up with it and Melissa said she missed reading it when she was done. That was a great comment and compliment. Depending on comments, if any, I may add the Sunset Beach portion to a paperback cause you can do that so easily on Amazon too. I mean it’s something. Just push a button and they spit out a paperback.
Last month I was on a call with a woman, Patricia Churchill, who lives in England and is an author. When I told her that I was trying to publish through an agent she said “Why? No one does that anymore. Just put it out there yourself and get all the royalties instead of having to share with an agent.” I had no idea where to start with that but she told me the website and off I went. It is soo easy. Well, sort of easy. You upload it and then they format it.
It’s easy unless you cut and paste from a blog and it has all these formatting codes in there and it gets rejected from their format, and then you drive yourself crazy because you have to change and/or delete all the codes so the thing will even upload. And you also have to read it, and re-read it because you realize it’s been just bits and pieces of reviewing over the years and have you even read it cover to cover recently? And then you are so sick of reading it you question why anyone in the world would be interested in this drivel. On the plus side, it may be long but it only took me three days to read it, twice.
I have changed the main characters names in the book, no one’s last name is listed, or a pretend name is listed. I had asked a couple of the characters what they wanted their names to be. Zoë picked hers (as did Nina). I’m pretty sure they picked Jasen and Monica’s names too. I asked them back in 2016 when my vision was that it would be published before the end of the year. My entire life is God laughing at my plans. I laugh now too. I just need to quit putting timelines on my plans. I still did it, 6 years later.
Anyway, it’s been enough years now that when I read it, I re-live it with a soft heart and an appreciation for that time. I’m glad I have all the good memories to re-live because as humans we tend to focus on the negatives, especially after a relationship crashes and burns. I am reminded why I did what I did and reminded how much fun and love there was, at least for some of the time.
Also, I wanted to put this to bed, so to speak, get it out there, so I can start on a new project. When I moved to my mom’s in 2016 I started another book and after moving to DeLand I let that go too. Sally Maloney has given me an idea for a next book (to add to what I’ve already started). If I would have had Finally Florida hanging out there undone, I would not be able to move on to this next idea. Sally has been instrumental in my life in many many ways. So if this idea works I’ll have more to be thankful to her for. If not, I’ll still be thankful for the encouragement. I need to write a book about friends. I have so many good and important ones.
So Pat, when you are looking for a blog and I don’t have anything recent to post, you can go to Finally Florida and read a day or two and get your blog fix.
Welcome to retirement and the conundrum of what to do next and or what to eat next. With more time on my hands and more options I am more stuck than ever. I seem to have a good wake up routine and a good morning breakfast (juicing) thing but now it’s lunch time. It’s also Farmers Market Day. But it was raining and I didn’t want to go in the rain. And now it’s noon and I don’t feel like fighting the lunch crowd. Which made me think of lunch. And I sure don’t want to go over to the Farmer’s Market when I’m hungry so I should make something here. I have tons of healthy food but what should I eat? Make a salad? Pickled beets and eggs? Put the pickled beets and eggs ON a salad? And then there’s the chores around the house. I have yet to go through my closet. Why? I need a day. I don’t have a whole day yet. Every day has something planned. I don’t want to start it because it’ll be such a mess and I won’t know what to do with the piles of clothes. I have to do that on a day when I can take them straight to my car (no easy feat going across the roads to the garage..#cityliving) and then take them to where? Goodwill? Salvation Army? Those two are the closest although most people prefer St. Vincent DePaul. And then there’s just general picking up shit around this apartment and moving it to another corner. Is it time to put mother’s cards away? Maybe I should put some of the jar candles that I’m not using in a drawer to clear the clutter. Now that I’ve renewed my lease for another year maybe I’ll put some more pictures on the walls. I also want to move my bed over, just a few inches but it’s not easy to move. Do I wait for the kids or just use my feet and push it over and quit being a whiny baby? I have a stack of magazines. Do I save them for my next vision board or do I pitch them or do I find someplace to donate them. OR am I saving them because there is some great recipe in there? Maybe I need to look through them again. While scrolling through Instagram I saw an ad for Macadamia Pineapple cake on Harry & David – so I looked up a recipe to make my own. That would be a nice thing to make for my mother. I wrote the ingredients down. I could walk over to the Farmer’s Market and go to the little grocery over there and pick up the couple items I need for that and walk through the Farmer’s Market at the same time. I can’t make the cake today as I have a 3:00 appointment (hospice) and then I have to be at the rowing place at 5:30. See? Always something. Tomorrow I am on mom and Mya duty (babysitting this weekend) so still not a good time for clothes….unless I can take a load on my way there. I could make the cake in the morning and while it’s cooking go through some clothes – not all – and then transport the cake, the clothes to give away, my weekend bag to the car and then to Sewickley where I will undoubtedly whine about how hard it is to go anywhere when you have to lug your shit across the Blvd of the Allies into the parking garage. See what I’m saying? Retirement is not for the faint of heart.
Or I could order Pizza and watch TV until my 3:00 call.
I can’t normally blog on demand. Like when someone emails me and says “I’ve waited two weeks for your next blog..wtf” – and then I laugh and then I think eff, what will I say? But that is pretty much on par for me not knowing what to say and so I say a bunch of nothing. That’s my thing! My niche. Just like Jerry Seinfeld. He did years of comedy on a bunch of nothing. Same/Same.
Speaking of nothing, I am really acclimatized to this new role of being retired and doing nothing. Although I have yet to have a whole day with nothing to do. I mean being at the beach last week (I was at the beach last week) was relaxing but still each day there were to-dos. Have breakfast, walk on the beach, decide beach or pool, breakfast or dinner out, what to wear, what to eat. Decisions. Now that I’m home I have something to do every day on my calendar. This weekend I’ll have free days but I’ll be dog sitting at their house. I’ve asked them to leave me projects to keep me and the pooch entertained but they don’t. Dam kids. Doesn’t feel like a free day because I’m not home doing nothing. I’m there doing nothing. June is looking like I might have a couple do-nothing days.
I decided after week 3 to quit counting the weeks because then it felt I would be counting it away. So I’m not doing that anymore. I do know roughly that it’s not yet been a whole month of this retired business. I can’t tell if it feels longer or less. I think it just feels like it is what it is. I have NO pangs of missing work. None.
Here’s a pondering question. After one is retired, does the term “vacation” change to “travel”?? Most everyone asked me if I was going to “travel” after retiring? I went to Florida last week. Is that considered traveling? I did travel. Does the word “vacation” change when you aren’t taking PTO from work? Or taking Vacation Days? And how about that? I can vacation and travel whenever I want. Oh that’s right, in June I’m going to Virginia for a couple days. I knew there was something I was forgetting and then I am staying with my mother in June while my sister goes away. Maybe July will be more relaxing.
Anyway, travel or vacation? What’s the diff? OR does Travel only refer to out of the country. Well, irregardless (irregardless is not a word) I travel almost everyday out of this apartment and go somewhere. So I would say I am traveling a lot. A lot more than when I worked and the car stayed in the garage sometimes for an entire week. This is not the time to travel more with these gas prices. Good thing I’m rich and don’t care.
On that note, I hope this suffices for a blog. It tells you nothing, is about nothing and has no value. True to my style.
The sun is shining (first, a rarity in these parts) and it is shining just so on my TV and TV stand and there is so much dust there that I can see now because of that rare sunshine. I am sitting here pondering. Do I get up and dust now? Get the Swiffer out? Or do I write a blog? Notice, the Blog has won out. I mean I really should dust there, and if I start there, then I will end up going all around the room and once I go around the room I will probably go into the bedroom and dust in there. But I do not always keep going. More often than not I will stop and decide to dust the bedroom tomorrow. I can dust that tomorrow. Not only because it’s Sunday but because now all my days are Sundays. I have recently asked Alexa to tell me every day what day it is and what day of the week it is. She didn’t get it and told me the weather. But still I need some sort of reminder. Working at home this last year I would wake up and have to purposely stop and think “is this a day I have to get out of bed?” or “is this a day I can roll over and go back to sleep?” Now I can roll over and go back to sleep every day, but I don’t. I still have a couple lingering commitments, i.e. a 10 am call on Tuesday, a noon call, every Wednesday, this past week I had a 9 am call on Monday. I know. I really had to get up that day. And now that I have the days to myself I have noticed I am getting up earlier, so I can enjoy the day! I don’t want to waste the days away. I want to enjoy them. But I obviously haven’t included dusting in that equation. I’ll get there. This is apparently a process.
One thing I have added to my day, every day, is Yoga. EVERY morning before I leave my bedroom, even before I have tea, I do 20 minutes (or 15) of Yoga. I mean all on my own. I’m not even forcing myself. I’m not even doing it because I think I “should” – I’m just doing it. I know it’s good for me, but I’ve always known it’s good for me. I was shaking my head thinking about last week’s yoga was 15 minutes (this week 20) but how easy would it have been for me to include that in my morning before work. You’d think it would be super easy, working from home. Roll out of bed and do the yoga and THEN turn on that stupid computer. But I was under so much stress I couldn’t even allow myself that 15 minutes. I mean how crazy is that? No one put that stress on me. No one ever said “be at your computer by 8 am” – No one. I did that to myself. I’m not spending too much time wondering why. I’m just accepting the fact that my stressors and my limitations and my unhappiness was all brought about on my own. The only thing that helps is that I’m not blaming anyone and not mad at anyone. I’m not even mad at myself. I’m just glad it spurred me to move on because I can not tell you how happy I am not having those stressors, whether or not they were self-inflicted they are just gone now and I spend an awful lot of time smiling.
I have heard from a few co-workers these past two weeks. Mostly saying hi, how’s it going. One guy I told him I was born to be retired and he responded that it was nice that I found my calling. How apropos. LOL. I met another friend for lunch and she brought me this huge present I was not expecting. That was fun. And I did hear from one PIA asking me where there were extra keyboards. You can tell by that question that he is one of those people that does not look before asking. Like your kids when they say “I can’t find xyz” and you respond “If I come up there and find it I’m gonna knock you out” because you KNOW they didn’t even look. Of course you don’t knock them out, but it did sometimes work that they would then quickly look before I got up the steps and would say “never mind!” Dam Kids. Anyway, so when this guy asked if I knew where the extra keyboards are and I said “my” desk drawer – well obviously he didn’t even look before the text. If he would have said “I looked there” then I would say “then how the fuck do I know?” but I didn’t say that. I was nice, because I am nice. But really I wanted to say, are you kidding me?.
I’m not gonna lie though, I did kind of like that he asked me. AND that I knew the answer. I mean it was a stupid question but I still knew the answer. It hasn’t left me totally yet. Work stuff. As for the hard stuff (questions) we will see if anyone asks me a hard question if I have retained any of that. Jordan suggested a month or so ago that I return to Point Park (college) and resume my old position of doing contracts. And you know what? I can’t remember how I did them. I know there’s a spreadsheet and a macro and some finangling – but that process has left my brain. As it should. It’s been 8 years since I left there. I’m sure it would come back to me but I don’t need to find out.
This is a weird weekend in the city. It’s race weekend. The Pittsburgh Marathon. So they have closed all the streets around me. It is so quiet for the city. There’s no people sounds and not a lot of traffic sounds because they can’t get here! But that also means I can’t get out. I had thought I had until 4 am to get my car out and come back but they posted a notice that I couldn’t get out this afternoon. I had plans tonight too so that was a pretty big disappointment. BUT I am learning to roll with the punches. And that isn’t even a punch. It’s just a thing. Which has caused me to sit here and write a blog and to ponder the dusting dilemma and to listen to the quiet and to think about getting out tomorrow and seeing those runners. You’d think the town would be hopping with runners but it’s just so quiet. Maybe they’re all carbing up somewhere. Or would they have done that Friday night?
Well I’m stuck in the city regardless. I guess it’s as good a time as any to get the Swiffer out and watch the last season of Grace and Frankie. Maybe start a movie. OR better yet maybe wait until tomorrow since I can’t go anywhere and watch a movie tomorrow. There’s something about allowing yourself a whole lazy day that is so decadent. A whole day. I think that day could be tomorrow. After I go cheer on a couple runners of course. THEN I’ll watch a movie. Ohhh I can’t wait. A reason for living. There are so many reasons now.
Week one and done. And what a peaceful week it’s been. It’s been busy but just the freedom to do what I want is something. It’s not nothing. It’s just an emotion hard to convey. What have I done? A little of this, a little of that. You know how you walk in one room and start cleaning and then it’s like, “this goes in another room” and then you go in the other room and start something in that room and then you remember, “wait, I was cleaning in this other room” and well then you go the bathroom and decide to clean the tub. It’s been a week like that. Which has been wonderful because little by little I’m getting stuff done. Nothing all at once mind you, but a little here and a little there and it’s a pretty wonderful feeling. No deadlines, no hurry up and check emails, no get to bed so you can get up. None of that. And honestly it’s hard not to “do” anything. It’s hard not to have an agenda.
I like the idea and believe in the idea of letting go, the premise of clearing out old patterns to allow new patterns to develop and emerge but it’s hard. Thinking that doing “nothing” is not easy. But “doing” something is an old, fought lived and won battle for like your entire life. Going to school, getting a job, getting married, having kids, getting unmarried, having kids, getting a job, keeping a job, kids again, mortgages, dogs, I mean life is filled with doing stuff. Making sure the future is taking care of or at a minimum getting through the days so there is a future. But now my future is here. And because I didn’t do it the preferred way (well planned and thought out and financially responsible) I have to do it the “other” way that according to the tea-towel pictured above is the way many of us have chosen to retire. By the seat of our pants.
But the having to do something is still ingrained in me.
I am on many job boards, like Indeed.com, and continue to get daily notices of jobs. Remote jobs, airline jobs (!), part time jobs, notices I signed up for these past few years when I thought of this retirement thing and every day I think “ooh there’s a good one” – but there are so many good ones I don’t know how to narrow it down. And then I remember it’s been ONE week! ONE. And I don’t want to work right away again. I want to live into this retirement before I jump back into a schedule. I can do it and I should do it. I mean that’s the idea, isn’t it? To finally enjoy life? I just need to clear out these old patterns of taking action, thinking about what to “do” next and instead simply enjoy being alive and in the world. That’s my job now, to enjoy my life, enjoy being in the world. To consciously quit “doing” and just “be”.
I can learn something by my minute-by-minute routines and apply to my life, letting life take me where it will. For instance, while writing this blog, just now, I got up to make a cup of tea. While waiting for the water to boil I looked at the floor and saw “dirt” – the sunlight is hitting the floor just so and I could see dirt. So, I grabbed the broom and wanted to get just this one corner. But then that broom just kept going and I kept seeing more dirt so I kept sweeping. Before you know it I was in the other room with the broom. Then I decided to put the broom away and get the Roomba (Beverly) going. But that means blocking off certain areas because Beverly and shag carpets do not go together. So then I had to drag around my paraphernalia to block off the carpet and THEN I started Beverly and THEN I came back and sat down And THEN I remembered I forgot my tea and THEN I went back in the kitchen to get my tea and then I remember the tea towel that I wanted to take a photo of for the blog and well eventually I found my way back to the chair with the computer and began to finish the blog. But do you know what was/is missing? Stress. I have no stress. I am not on a deadline. I don’t “have” to finish this blog by a certain time. I don’t “have” to get back to work or check emails or pack all my to-do things into this two-day weekend because I no longer have only week-ends. (Remember that line from Downton Abbey? “What is a week-end?”)
I do have to get ready for a play at the Benedum today. Going to see “To Kill a Mockingbird” with the girls and then we’re going out to dinner. We’re going to get extra desserts to celebrate my retirement, at least I am. I’m not overly worried about the weight gain because I’ve already incorporated morning yoga when I get out of bed – because I am not rushed now – and I have my rowing on Monday nights and hikes and well I have time now. And I am determined to have time to live my life. BUT I have yet to unsubscribe from Indeed. I mean there is still that part of me that thinks there might be a good job out there. So I still have work to do, which is to quit looking for work.
I gotta go. Beverly got stuck under the refrigerator and who knows where that will lead me when I go in to unstuck her. But I’m not worried about it. I have all day.
A retirement short story (that is a little too long)
Typically, when you celebrate someone’s retirement, it is from years of service at one company. But I have never been what you call “typical” and I have not been at UPMC for years. I worked there 3 years, just enough time to get vested. (Although admittedly 3 very interesting years) So what I’m celebrating is retirement from this lifestyle and this style of working. I have been working in this style of working (office jobs), primarily in this city (Pittsburgh, PA), for roughly 43 years, and in those 43 years I’ve seen a lot of changes.
Although my very first office job was at CMU in 1978, my first “city” job was 1981 at Union National Bank on 4th Avenue. In those days I had lunch at Hites Drug Store, shopped at Lerner’s on 5th, window shopped at Roberts Jewelry store and checked out the cat that would hang out at Weldon’s Paper store. I worked in the city while the PPG Tower was being built and my then husband was an iron worker hired to install the glass in the Towers. My oldest son, Zachary’s, name or initials are carved up there in those spires.
I’ve worked several temp jobs through Marsetta Lane, from Marsetta Lane Temp Services throughout the years and interestingly she got me every single job in my entire career (in the Pittsburgh area) starting in 1981 except for this final job at UPMC. Prior to UPMC I had always started out as a temp. Marsetta and I talked recently and she shared that she’s placed women, their children, and now some of their grandchildren. Imagine that!
Computers weren’t used when I started work, but I remember when they started appearing. One Christmas while working as a temp at Alcoa, when nobody was in the offices except me, I taught myself (on the phone with my friend Diane who already was using it at Wheelabrator Frye) the Four Phase computer system. (delete delete control delete). After that, I worked at a company called Schneider Enterprises (construction) on 7th Avenue. We had a “sample” computer in the office and a big “main frame” computer room in the basement. So someone was using computers obviously that the big room was built for, just not me yet. After sitting at that sample computer for 6 months and learning the “Word Star” system I needed glasses for the first time in my life. Thank you, computers! My boss (Frank, Jr.) carried around a brief case that was a mobile phone. Schneider was a big company when I started with over 10,000 city employees and within a couple years after I got there it went bankrupt. I was one of the last ones there. I often wonder what happened to all those people I worked with and to this date frequently look for them when I’m out walking around the city. I was really young when I worked there. I wonder how many are still living? I know the owner is long gone (deceased) but some of my colleagues from there should be enjoying their retirement now too! One day, just a couple years ago I chased this guy down the street asking if he was Paul Cannon. Someone from my Schneider days. After we talked (and I calmed his fears that I wasn’t going to assault him) I realized he wasn’t even born when I worked at Schneider. I am always looking for my past colleagues at the age they were when I worked with them. I should have asked him if Paul was his father.
After Schneider closed I moved to Terra Enterprises (Commercial Real Estate) to another city location, the Gateway Towers, where I met the original Jimbo Lamanna. Jimbo taught me how to fill out my very first March Madness bracket, and I won the office pool my first time! Jimbo also introduced me to Froggy’s where I spent way too many Friday happy hours. It was after knowing Jimbo that me and a few friends started calling each other “Bo” which has stuck to this day. We still call each other “Bo” (that company also went bankrupt).
Somewhere in my temp years I worked at PPG in the Tower (the same one my husband helped build) and remember my friend, Mary Jane Calder, coming over to my desk with her radio to listen to the news about the Challenger explosion. It was a strange day.
I used to smoke cigarettes at my desk and drink alcohol at lunch (but not too many of those cause it makes you really tired). I would talk on the phone (desk phone – there was no cell phones back then!) for seemed like hours to Diane (that actually went on for several years – still goes on.) I parked at Three Rivers Stadium for 50 cents a day and walked over the bridge into the city. I walked year-round, rain, snow, wind. That’s just what you did. The wind was the worst. I never brought a lunch to work, always opting to eat out, and there were so many options. There was even the Gypsy Tea Room back in the early 80’s where you could have lunch and get your fortune told all at the same time! I could not imagine getting up in time to make a lunch. Or the idea that I would possibly know what I wanted to eat that day. I mean how do you know?
I would sometimes meet my mom at lunch when we both worked downtown when she worked for Gulf Oil. She loved this neighborhood group we saw at Mellon Square called Rusted Root. I know, right? They started out at Mellon Park. My mom claims she discovered them.
Before becoming a regular of the 3rd floor Happy Hours at Froggy in the 80’s, many Friday night (and afternoon) Happy Hours were spent at the Grog Shop (in the Steel Building – now a Daycare Center), and I remember a few at the Rusty Scupper in bottom of the Bank Building on 4th Avenue. We had our favorites throughout the years.
I eventually left the city life (and bars) sobered up and ended up working in the suburbs. I had a boss, Jim Gleim at Thomson Newspapers, the best boss ever, who taught me how to operate this newfangled thing called a mouse that plugged into the computer. He would stand over my shoulder clenching his jaw saying “double click,double click”. I finally caught on. Thomson Newspapers turned out to be the best job of my career. Jim pushed me to learn every computer program I could. I kept up the learning but at some point (many years later) the programs got too far ahead of me. I mean you just start to get it and the program becomes obsolete. Thomson Newspapers was sold off and a few people from Thomson went on to be giants in their careers. I am proud to be able to say I worked for them. It was also at this job when the realization hit me that I was no longer the youngest one in the office. I was so used to being the young one but we had just hired “little” Gayle…she was 19, maybe younger than that. I just remember she was very young. She is now a Grandma. That was a turning point as well. I mean I literally remember where I was standing when I first had that thought of not being the youngest in the office anymore.
I worked for many people throughout the years that had trouble keeping assistants. Frank Jr (mentioned above) – went through them daily. Longest one before me was a week. When I interviewed at Schneider they said I wouldn’t last a week. I made it longer than Frank Jr. I worked for him about two years before Frank Jr. moved out west. Jim Gleim, also mentioned above, was not the office favorite (sorry Jim) when I started there. The other assistant said she wouldn’t work for him for any amount of money. He turned out to be my favorite boss of all time. Although I have liked a few other bosses for sure. Even one of my jobs in Florida 5 years ago at Stetson with Rosalie, she has trouble keeping people, but I liked her alot. I didn’t leave there because of her. I think that must have been my niche back in the day. Working with hard to work for people. But it hasn’t always worked that way. I have also quit on a few. I quit when my job at Schneider moved me from Frank Jr., to Frank Sr. I was like “nope.” One of my temp jobs, but only one, I walked out at lunch time. They were lawyers, they were mean, and I couldn’t figure out how to print on the computer. I mean, it was early days of computers and I just couldn’t figure it out. So I said eff it, and walked out. Marsetta kept placing me so I guess it worked out okay.
At another temp job, again with lawyers, I met a woman whose name I can’t remember but who was a huge inspiration to me. She was in her 50’s and had just graduated from law school. She shared that in her 40’s she thought “in three years I could be an attorney, or in 3 years I’ll be doing this same thing” so she went to law school. When I was in my late 40’s I finished my degree too. She was the inspiration for that. You just never know what you’ll say that will inspire someone. I always remember her (just not her name).
I ended up leaving the suburbs and ventured back into work in the city when I took on a part time job at Federated Investors on 10th as a meeting planner (in addition to finishing my degree at Carlow full time and being a single mom). My first day at Federated was the first day they allowed women to wear pants. It was also while working there, pulling into the parking lot on Smallman, that I was listening to Shelly Duffy on B94 (John, Dave, Bubba, Shelly) when she announced the plane crashing into the Twin Towers. Air travel has never been the same but prior to that I traveled for work a lot as a meeting planner, traveling all over the country. After that, never again for work.
After graduating from Carlow, I left Federated and worked 7 years at Point Park University, working back on 4th and Wood near where it all started in 1981. So proud of my degree that I just received, but as it turned out, when you work in higher ed, a bachelor’s degree is about as equal to them as your graduation from elementary to middle school. Not a great career move on my part. But I made and kept many many friends from that era.
Currently I work (or as of yesterday) in the US Steel Building, the tallest most impressive building in Pittsburgh. In my mind working in the Steel Building was the epitome of making it in your career. I had often claimed I wanted my last job before retirement to be as the assistant to the President of US Steel. Back in my day US Steel was the biggest company in Pittsburgh (thus the US Steel Tower) and I’ve always been in awe of the company. These last 3 years I finally achieved this goal to work in the Steel Building on the 60th floor, but not for US Steel. However, last year I found out the President/CEO of US Steel’s office and private bathroom are directly over my desk on the 61st floor. I found this out when his private shower leaked through the floor above onto my desk (not as bad as it sounds). Although I never attained the goal to work for him, I’d say I got “close” to my final work wish.
Those days and that city fun life are just memories now that I can laugh about with my friend Diane who also worked in the city and hung out at the bars with me ever since our graduation from Bradford School (then on 5th Avenue in the Park Building) in 1978. (she retired last year!) None of the Happy Hour bars exist, none of the many lunch places, i.e. Palmers, Smithfield Café, and none of the places where you would run in at lunch and buy a quick new whatever you needed at Kaufmanns, Horne’s or Saks. None of them are still in business. I don’t feel old, but reminiscing and realizing most of the businesses and all the restaurants are closed makes me seem old. Time just gets away from you. One day you’re in Froggy’s fighting your way through the crowd to the bathroom and the next it’s boarded up as if it was never there at all, kept alive only by the fans watching This is Us (where it’s referenced frequently). Tramps, a restaurant/bar where we would meet before heading into Froggy’s is totally gone. It’s an empty lot. So much in the city now is gone or just dark and boarded up.
I’ve never really given much thought to someone’s retirement before. Obviously because it wasn’t about me, but when you put it into perspective with everything that has happened before, no matter where you have worked whether it one job or in my case many, it’s the lifestyle that has come to an end. A particular kind of life. But that also means another kind of life is starting and that is very very exciting. (I can’t let Diane have all the retirement fun without me!) And this city is too depressing now. After seeing it through the years with so much going for it, it now just makes me sad with the homelessness the boarded up buildings and closed businesses. As much as I’m an advocate for working at home I would support a return to the office just to bring life back here and stores into these storefronts. I’d love to see this city return to life. Just not by me.
I cry at most anything that ends. Movies, commercials, relationships, and today, my final work day, was no different. I actually felt like I was going to cry a couple times, I could feel it coming on, but when I dropped off my laptop to IT, and put my badge in interoffice mail (to return) I could not stop smiling. I got on the elevator and teared up while smiling. It’s not sad that I’m feeling. It’s something I’ve never felt before. Well that’s not entirely true. The last time I felt like this was when I walked across the stage at Carlow University and finally received that bachelor’s degree. 29 years after starting my college years I finally finished. It’s like that. Like I can’t believe I’ve finished this. And the only reason I’m really sad is because I’ll really miss these views from the 60th floor.
I went in early today to see the sunrise from the building. I had taken many sunset photos but never thought about sunrise. Here’s a couple of them from this morning:
Ya know how your phone makes those little videos for you? They made one for me of views from my desk. There are so many more but here is a sample. Views from my desk: here
When people ask me what I will do next in my retirement the answer lies somewhere between nothing and everything. I’m sitting here now finishing up this blog wondering what I’ll do next this very moment. There’s so much to do (massage at 3, dinner at 6:30). But in the big “what’s next” I just don’t know what to start with. I think I’ll start with whatever it is on Monday. Today is just a Good Friday in so many ways, a day to reflect.
I have been reminded recently that I have a duty to my friends and society at large. I’m doing some spring cleaning, looking at past cards and looking at a card I got last week from Stephanie and well it’s apparently my duty to be the first one amongst my group to be courageous and take leaps of faith. This is not to say that my leaps always turn out successful, or in retrospect wise, but that said, my life is filled with good stories, laughs, and only a few WTF years. I mean out of 60+ years to have only a couple WTF years is not bad. I guess when we’re going through the WTF years they feel more devastating but looking back it’s mostly remembering that it wasn’t so bad and often much better than we thought. Kind of like taking a photo of yourself. I think we all mostly hate a photo of our self the instant we see it. Then a couple years later when we’re cleaning out stuff we see that photo and think “I look good here” – “I wish I was this fat again” – Why is that? Seriously, why do we hate ourselves in the moment but then when we look back think we look good? There’s some message in there. Some life lesson. And I guess that’s a little like taking these leaps that I do. And once in awhile someone takes a photo and you think “wow I look good.” This leap I am currently taking feels like that. Like “wow, this is good” – every bone in my body and in my aura (except there are no bones in my aura, but you get where I’m coming from) anyway, everything feels right about this leap. What am I referring to?
Retirement.
I know a lot, a few, maybe nobody, is cringing. You should have heard my financial guy. First of all, I can’t even believe those words are coming out of my mouth. Financial guy. I have been basically what most would consider poor my entire life. Paycheck to paycheck at the BEST of times. I never thought I made enough money to save. It was only me all those years. I had to pay my mortgage, my car, and get to work and had (still have) two kids! One time (at least once) I had to call off of work because I didn’t have gas money to get to work. That’s how pathetic my life was. But only pathetic financially. And the one day that I’m remembering that I called off because of gas money I sat on the computer and figured out how to start a blog. (and JaNel read it! My first reader) I remember that day. And look at that. A wasted day? I would say not!
Anyhoo, Financial Guy, well thanks to my mother, no, thanks to my Grandfather, no thanks to my relatives that came over on the Mayflower and who were here since Jamestown, we (and I mean my mom) had that beautiful house that when she sold it she shared generously with her kids and I now have a financial guy. I was never able to do that with work. Just with mom. God bless her soul in so many ways.
So, my Financial Guy, CRINGED when I told him I was retiring now. He’s like wait, you have nothing. And I said LOOK, you can’t look at me through a financial lens. I will NEVER have financial wealth by working at an 8-5 job that you guys hope for. No, I will need to make my millions some other way. And it’s not going to be at this office job. And the longer I stay at this office job the more I am away from any dream of personal success. So just sit back, shut up, and let me figure this out. Let me take the leap and see what happens. Because one thing I am positive about, nothing is going to happen if I don’t leap.
I follow a lot of spiritual based people like Mike Dooley and Sara Landon. Sara’s messages are full of “you are the master of your universe, you create your happiness, blah blah.” Not that I don’t like the blah blah, and I love Sara Landon’s back story and how she got to where she is, but Mike Dooley’s message is take action. So combining the two messages, you are your own creator and take action, has helped me to get to this moment. I believe I can do something else, but I have to do the work. Not exactly sure what that will be, but as soon as this last week is over (last work day is April 15) I will have at least a moment to think about it. I can’t tell you how exhausting this job has been. A couple months ago I described it as soul crushing. I mean it’s just a job and not really a hard job. But when your soul is telling you it’s time for something else and you feel this push and my soul is saying, come on, let’s go, well those work tasks that are so stupid and menial have to go. My life comes first and I just know I am so much more than this. And thanks to Franklin D. Roosevelt and his idea of social security and those 43 years of working soul crushing jobs (no seriously there were some fun times) I can take this leap. Also a part time job at Aldi’s will help as well 😉
So that’s something you readers have to look forward to. MORE blogs. I miss writing. I miss keeping up with this blog. Maybe there’s a book in me somewhere. Maybe in retirement, like in finally florida, you can all watch me emerge like the phoenix rising, or crash and burn. But either way it’ll be a good read.
