Tag: #retirement

Embracing the In-between Time: My Spiritual Journey of Self-Discovery and Work

When you write at the end of a day, but its actually after midnight, technically the next day, what day is it to you? It’s Thursday night in my book.  Friday is tomorrow.  It’s in-between time.  Maybe that’s the title of this blog then, the in-between time (AI improved the title to what it shows).  My son Jimmy is marrying Emily next week.  They are beginning their “official” time together.  I’m in-between an ending, many endings, and a beginning.  I’m measuring my time by the success of, well, by my measure of success. So not sure where that puts me on the scale of time. Like when I achieve success, have I reached the end? And my measurement of success depends on what my focus is at any given time.  My focus, right now, is on retirement and the meaning of retirement, what it means to me.

Retirement, like raising a family, in my opinion is a process; a hopefully long haul.  With any luck, retirement lasts about 30 years. Jimmy (the one getting married next week) is 33 years old.  I raised Jimmy.  I have been through a lot in those 33 years.  Therefore, it compares a 30-year retirement is another lifetime waiting to unfold.  Another Jimmy life left for me to live. My older son is 41.  I know I don’t have 41 years left in me.  I also could only have a day, a week, a month, or a year left in me, anything can happen.  But that is also true at any time in our lives.  So for now, I am planning the rest of my life on the expectation that I have a lot of life yet to live.

Sadly, I am still measuring my level of success in terms of monetary comforts.  Although my comforts have changed, it is still depressing on a spiritual level, that I continue to measure my level of success on what is in my bank account. While it is depressing, it is also a fact of life on Earth, and until I reach that level of not having to worry about paying rent or buying food, I will, unfortunately, continue to measure my success in this way.  I’m not proud of this, but at the same time this motivation does give me some momentum, some impetus to keep going, a reason to try and achieve something.  A reason to live.

But shouldn’t this be a time for spiritual awareness?  Spiritual achievements?  When the career and parenting issues step aside and we go deeper into the meaning of our existence? Although I am working, and I will always be a parent, my focus on both have evolved into new ways of being.  I no longer care about a “career” in an office – I am just working, well for the money, but also because I can. Think about that!  All our lives we can’t wait to quit working, but I find myself being proud of the fact that I can still work.  I’m not as great and on top of things as I once was, but I can sure hold my own.  I am proud of that. And believe me, I don’t want to advance! Once I start getting more and more responsibility I will call that temp service and BEG for a receptionist job.

Parenting, at this level in life, takes on a whole new meaning.  I look forward to the days when I’m asked to dinner or to dog sit, but I also appreciate that they have their own lives to live and well now mom is just a nice person to visit with.

So these two areas of my life, although still part of me, also no longer define me.  And that’s where I’m at. I’m not sure what defines me, so this should be my spiritual exploration time, shouldn’t it? But since I’m still doing some work outside of this apartment, I am going to have to try and incorporate working and discovering my new meaning of life, blending a deeper spiritual value, while balancing a spreadsheet, knowing full well when I get that call to dog sit everything else, and I mean EVERYTHING else takes a back seat.  Grandpups come first!

I would like to eventually join my co-retirees in pursuits of travel and am starting to long for those days, but until I am able to join them I will consider these days as ones of self-discovery, answering the bigger questions of “why are we here?” “why am I here?” And does it have anything to do with typing, spreadsheets or answering phones?

Xoxox

Namaste

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Halloween is over

I know, it’s a Thursday and it’s not Halloween.  But last week I didn’t post and tomorrow I thought I’d hang with my mother and today I’m feeling quite useless in the grand scheme of things so I thought perhaps I would blog. I actually did write a blog earlier this week but ended up not posting and here’s the thing about this, if I don’t post when I write it, well, then I think it’s stupid and I don’t like it and then I don’t post it. So I have to publish right away or I will overthink it. However, since I had these Halloween photos ready to share I thought at least I’d do that. And just a quick recap – my neighbor (who is actually no longer my neighbor and hasn’t been my neighbor since I moved from Mt. Washington) has these elaborate Halloween parties. This year she had this gigantic witch in her foyer (see featured photo) and our entertainment was a group of 4 ukulele players. These four musicians entertained us and then they brought ukuleles for everyone and taught us a song. It was so fun. Our host (my neighbor) makes about 8 courses of food, everyone gives each other a gift (guess what I gave everyone..) and we end up staying for hours and hours and lugging bags of food and gifts home. I mean it, and she, is/are something. I struck gold when I befriended that neighbor (all my friends are gold but just happy to have found this one too)

Here’s something I’m doing.  I started making a PowerPoint presentation from a book.  I mean, what is wrong with me? I sat here this morning designing a graph. Does this mean I miss work?  What does it mean?  I bet it means I am a frustrated jar maker who has put all her jars in boxes and in the closet and has sworn off craft shows. Will they end up at Goodwill? I’ll wait a year before I decide that.  My part time job asked me to create an Excel file and I am having fun with that.  This office, where I am working, was founded in the 50’s and the office processes are pretty much still there, in the 50’s.  Maybe the processes are more like the 70’s because at least there are computers but honestly…The guy (a boss) came out of his office yesterday and said he was going to dictate a letter to me.  I gave him this look and said “you’re really testing me…” I mean, come on. Just type the dam thing out. Right?  That’s what I ended up telling him in the end. Since I have forgotten all my shorthand (although I would love to learn it again) I said next time I’ll just type out as he talks as I can type much faster than handwrite. I thought at one point I should be a court stenographer because I type so fast…maybe I could still do that.  Hmmmm. Wouldn’t that be interesting?  Except I’d probably make too many noises with my reactions like saying “yea, right…you’re a liar” out loud. Then I’d have to keep typing “strike that.”

In other news, well I don’t have other news, which is a problem for a blogger. But here are today’s thoughts:

  • Do I give up on having Thanksgiving decorations and just surrender to the early Christmas décor?
  • Will I get my Christmas tree up in the window by the official lightup night (Nov. 18)
    • If Christmas day festivities are moving to my son’s new house, do I even bother with Christmas décor? (other than the one in my window)
  • Should I give up on moving OUT of the city and embrace city living even more by selling my car and becoming a real city person and using my free senior citizen bus pass to travel.  The only place I couldn’t travel to would be the North Hills (sorry Jean – you’d have to meet me at a Park and Ride!)
    • Thankful for Aldi’s Instacart if I go this route
  • Or do I want to buy (living in my head) a 5-bedroom house and join this Facebook group called Host a Sister and then open my house up to weary sister travelers.  Then I could cook for these “sisters” and use all my dishes instead of boxing them up and donating them to Goodwill?
  • Do I get off this chair and do yoga for 20 minutes?
  • Should I shower today or tomorrow?
  • Do I need to clean before my Medicare home health visit later today?
    • This may be the answer as well to shower today or tomorrow.
  • Do I have anything to eat?
    • How bad is it really to live on brownies?
  • If I sat here long enough and looked at my computer would a new book idea pop into my head?
    • Conversely could I continue with one of my many other book ideas I’ve already started.

The answer is to start with 20 minutes of yoga and then shower and then decide on the cleaning up idea.  Do I really care what a home health nurse would say to my throw blankets that are not folded properly and put aside? 

And I will continue on the Paint By Number. I think I can maybe even get it done by this weekend.  If I get off this chair and away from the computer…

xoxoxo

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202

I’m not old

I was very teary leading up to the return flight back home here to Pittsburgh.  I did not want to leave SF. The whole trip couldn’t have been nicer.  I’m looking for houses in Yountville 😉 One here in Pittsburgh and one there.  Plenty of people do that, why can’t I? If only I was a successful author.

I did not have a favorite part of this trip as it was all so wonderful, but I will say going to Yountville, again, was kinda special. The last time I was there was 2 weeks before the 9/11 event (in 2001) with a group from Federated Investors. I was there as their meeting planner with a lovely night at the Ritz in San Francisco and then bussed to the Napa area, Yountville specifically, and when Jimmy was driving us through that area (and we had lunch there) it brought back all those wonderful memories. There is something about Yountville that speaks to me (and probably millions of others). Florida was like that too at one point. Well, anyway, I loved it all. All of it.

Turns out there is one thing (and only one) that could have been better.  Like someone to wrangle the suitcase. Because of the room I was staying in I had to lift the thing onto the bed each day, then open and get our stuff out, put the stuff back in, zip it and back on the floor. Because the dog also shared our room it was a lot of lugging that thing to keep the dog out.  One night I looked down to see the cat sleeping in it, but she (the cat) was sleeping on John’s side of the suitcase so I just went back to sleep.  But I’m strong right? I lug things all the time. Except…

We came home Tuesday night, more lugging of suitcase at the airport.  Those luggage turnstile thingies are not user friendly. But I did it, I lugged it off the carousel and wheeled to the car, lugged it into John’s house, unpacked his stuff, lugged it back to my car, lugged it back up to my apartment, lugged it onto the bed, unpacked my stuff, and put it away. That is just an example of one days worth of lugging. Kinda did that everyday out there. Anyway, next day, Wednesday I got up like any other day and started getting ready for my day (i.e. work) when I started having back contractions.  Had I been pregnant it would have been a clear sign for me to go to the hospital to deliver. It’s kinda funny (but not) when something new like this happens.  In my mind I’m like “what the fu** is this?” I’ve had cramps before and you know overworked muscles but this, this is like nothing I’ve experienced.  I called 911.  I was sure it was my kidneys.  It did not feel remotely like a muscle or pulled back. Ambulance guys were funny because I was standing when they got here.  They’re like “we’re here for YOU?” LOL.  I said yes, and I’m standing but that’s because I can’t sit or move and I don’t know what’s happening. Again, sure I’m in kidney failure. I started to get dizzy, my BP dropped to 90/50 I’m passing out and so they took me to the ER. I can not tell you how bad those spasms were.  And they literally came and went like a contraction. 

I was in the ER all day, from 9 to 4. They checked pee and gave me a ton of pain meds and since the pain meds didn’t seem to work they did a CT scan but in the end they didn’t find anything to keep me. The pain meds helped me sleep and by the time Zach came for me I was able to walk.  So, moral of the story, what everyone attributes this after-shock to is the suitcase lugging.

Ya know, about a month ago, I stopped doing yoga which I had been doing faithfully, daily, for over a year and then I just stopped.  I wonder why.  But I will tell you now that I will take that sh*t seriously and not stop again.  I am already doing a little cat/cow and a child’s pose helps.  I’m supposed to take it slow so no downdog I think. It’s been a couple days now, cause it’s Friday and I’m already doing better. I am planning on going to my craft fair tomorrow.  I reached out to them and they said the table is all set up and they can help me with boxes.  However, I popped a pill today and loaded the boxes in the car by myself so I think I’m going to be okay. The boxes are light.  Just probably don’t want to pop a pill before driving there. I was thinking of asking my 10 year old niece for her assistance but I don’t want anyone else in the car incase I kill myself.  I don’t need to take anyone else out with me.

So there you have it.  A not so great ending to a perfect vacation. I promised my body (we had words) that I will get back to yoga.  When talking to the doctor, still sure it was kidneys, she said “not kidneys” and I just need to strengthen my core. I wanted to reach through the phone and punch her in the face. What a stupid thing to say. Plenty of people have weak cores and don’t end up in the ER for Christmas sake. But she sent me some exercises and I’ve started them. I mean ok.  I’m old. I guess I can’t lug the suitcase like I once could.  Honestly I don’t think I ever could lug it like I was doing on this trip. I just thought I was getting away with it and so just do it. The only thing I was expecting was maybe a sore back or a couple days of my body sleeping but to out and out knock me down was uncalled for. (this is the conversation I had with my body) – So we’re coming to an agreement (me and myself).  I’ll exercise and it’ll back off (get it?) and we will work together going forward.  Next California trip is scheduled for January and that’s winter clothes.  They’re even heavier. Perhaps a personal trainer is in my future.

xoxoxo

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Butcher, Baker, Candlestick Maker

I was on a call today about promoting my book.  You know the one, the only one, Finally Florida. Which led me to look at Goodreads, which led me to update my Books Read page which led me to the fact that I have an Author page which showed me that this blog is connected to Goodreads so it automatically posts on my Goodreads Author page.  I have been so absent from writing that I forgot all about that.  I’ve obviously forgotten all about the fact that I’ve been a writer.  Well, I haven’t really forgotten it.  It’s in the back of my mind, always.  And I have my book on a table in the middle of the room so every time I walk by it I see it and remember, oh yea, I did that. For awhile I was working on subsequent books and then the Jars happened.

I have been utterly consumed with decorating Jars.  In the spiritual world (assuming like everything is connected to everything else) I have no frickin idea how decorating jars would be connected to writing.  Other than they are both creative endeavors and Julia Cameron (author of the Artist’s Way) would be very proud of me for expanding my creative self. But it doesn’t help sales of my book. Nor does it expand my goal of writing more books. So today I made a date with two other authors to see what they do to promote themselves and to try and get back to the writer that I am. I mean even Patrick hasn’t sent me a reminder to blog in MONTHS.  MONTHS!  But I am determined to revive myself as the wannabe writer than I am, or was, or am going to be again.

There is so much happening in my life since retirement. Sometimes I want to cry because I’m so busy and I really long for those beach days when I just grabbed a chair and sat on the beach and read a book.  I had no (or minimal) friends in the Florida area so I was not making plans for lunches or dinners as I do now.  It’s no one’s fault but my own.  I love my friends and I want to see them and I see a free day on my calendar and bam I have a lunch planned.  That’s how it starts you know.  Then while I’m on the phone catching up with someone who I haven’t had lunch with I start painting a jar. I am a multi-tasker at heart.  Often times when on the phone I’ll start dusting. I got that idea from Peggy a long long time ago. I dusted today while talking on the phone.  I don’t have any more jars to paint at the moment. I need to go buy some more.  But now my adorable, beautiful apartment is littered with jars and napkins (that’s what I decorate the jars with, napkins). So anyway, how is a girl supposed to find the time to write?  Oh wait, and then I thought, financially I should probably get a part time job because well I always knew I’d have to support myself in addition to Social Security right? And although I had hoped that my book would be an overnight success and then I’d be this sought after author, well, it hasn’t happened, yet.  And when I started decorating these jars it never occurred to me to sell them.  It only occurred to me to sell them because I was making too many and had no idea what to do with them. So I decided to try and sell them. That venture has just begun so whether it becomes lucrative or not is yet to be seen.

But, so, work, yea, I called a temp agency and at first there was no response.  Was that the Universe telling me no need to go down that path?  But then I doubled down and called again and this time there was a response and then they found a job that was supposed to be one day and going forward I would only be called in when the other woman called off.  Well, after the first day, “can you come back on Wednesday?” So I was like “sure.” Then it was “can you stay longer?” I agreed to two days a week, 11 am – 3 pm. That was their hours set, not mine, but it worked for me. Then they called and asked if I would work 3 days a week instead of two. Wasn’t this just supposed to be filling in for the full-time person who I was in there supplementing for when she called off? After a long call with Diane who said “you need to set boundaries” – I pulled myself up and stuck to my guns.  Two days. That’s it. That’s my boundary.

Okay then it was two days from 11 am – 3 pm.  The very next day, “can you stay until 5?”  Okay fine, and then when I go into the office the very next day, keep in mind this is like my 4th day in the office, they tell me the other girl has now quit.  For gawd’s sake. BUT I stick to my guns and no I will not work 3 days. NO. Then “well can you come in tomorrow?” (it was for a Thursday) and I said “nope, it’s mom day and she takes priority, sorry”.  I mean what have I gotten myself into? Why can’t they leave me alone?  The curse of doing a good job.

There are a couple of things I do like about the work.  Like there’s an electric typewriter still in use. I, for some reason, find this so much fun when I get to use the typewriter.  It’s so nostalgic and it all comes rushing back to me, those days of long ago before keyboards and computers.

I bought an electric typewriter once for my mom, when she was living in Virginia.  I can’t remember if she was blind already when I bought it. I might have thought that the memory of typing could be fun for her but I can’t remember the “when” of when I got it for her.  I do remember she gave it away and it broke my heart.  But if she was blind I can certainly see why. I mean really, she could type but she couldn’t read it back.  What’s the use? But I can read things back. Perhaps typing a book on a typewriter would be fun.  Hmmm, maybe there’s a spark of something there.  Hmm Hmm Hmm.

Let’s see, other aspects of working, well I don’t really mind it.  It’s full of tasks and to-do lists and well it’s not a bad thing. It’s only a couple blocks up the street so I am getting exercise when I walk there. There’s a Target on the way home so I can run in and get something to eat for the walk home (for dinner) if needed. The whole working thing makes me feel a little younger actually when I leave at 5 with the rest of the workers I weirdly feel a little young again. So there are some emotional plusses to this work-a-day thing. It’s just that I want to go away. I want to go back to Virginia for a long weekend and well if I have to work on a Monday how does that work? I shouldn’t have to worry about this work business when I’m in retirement. So I’m a little perplexed as to how it fits in the bigger picture.  My mom day (I go help with mom) is on Thursday or I could travel on a Thursday-Sunday thing.  I guess I could move Mom to Tuesday one week, work Monday, Mom Tuesday, work Wednesday and then go Thursday-Sunday..  But I just hate to accommodate stupid work.  See?  I have authority issues.

Isn’t this just like me?  Rambling on and on with just brain dumping. I mean it’s just so me. And why have I forsaken myself (and my writing) for all these months?  I’ll tell you why.  Jars!  Honestly Jars!

I love my Jars. I’ve done one Flea Market (no sales, not one) and one 2-day “Fair in the Woodlands” which wasn’t a huge success but also not a failure.  I’m hoping to do another flea market tomorrow and then I have a few craft shows in September and more to come in the fall.  There’s a lot to learn about all this and I am really enjoying all of it. I do kinda wish, in my dream head, that I just had a store front to put them in instead of lugging all this stuff around to craft shows.  Especially since my car is parked ½ block away in the city and loading and unloading is a challenge. I’m up to the challenge but wouldn’t it be easier just to plop them in a storefront, and I live in the back of the store?  LOL.  And people just come in and take what they want.  I honestly don’t even care if I sell them I just want them out of my house because I make too many! But I might as well sell them.

Okay this has gone on long enough.  If anyone at all reads this then that will be a miracle.  But not as much as the miracle I am feeling in writing it again. It’s all coming back to me.  I can be a writer AND a jar maker, a candlestick maker and baker. But not a butcher.

Hmmm, maybe I’ll make some chocolate chip cookies.

Xoxoxo

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1911

What are you doing?

My mother asks me every day, several times a day, what I’m doing.  Yesterday, when I was visiting, she asked me many times, “what are you doing tomorrow?” I know as the adult person I am, and the 91-year-old that she is, that she is just trying to make conversation, and she has forgotten what I told her two minutes ago, but the child in me, hearing my mother ask me, makes me tense up, as if when I tell her I’m doing NOTHING I should be ashamed, embarrassed, and inadequate.  Then, I feel like I have to justify the fact that I’m doing NOTHING by telling her all the stuff I’ve been doing over the past week, or weeks. And truthfully, this past Monday, I woke up thinking “I’m doing too much, I’m trying too hard, I’m retired, knock it off.” And so I vowed to myself to quit working on all the stuff I’ve been working on and be retired.  However, I still feel that twinge of guilt when I have to tell my mother I’m doing NOTHING, even for one day.

It’s been one year since I retired.  I celebrated, quietly, with my own thoughts, on April 15.  That was my one-year anniversary.  Although I think going forward I’m going to make it more of a celebration.   Maybe take myself out to dinner.  Maybe get together with friends and eat cake.  I don’t know but I think the anniversary of retirement is something to celebrate.  It’s like the date you finally start living. Like born again.  Do you think this is what all the Christian evangelicals mean when they say you won’t get into heaven until you’re born again?  Do they mean retirement?  Because, to me, that’s what retirement STILL feels like.  Heaven.

I have been busy though.  Yes, a lot of that business is lunch plans, dinner plans, hopping on a webinar to learn about stuff I like to learn about.  The occasional hike.  Travel planning (although I’m kind of at a stand still right now) BUT additionally I’ve been working hard on that book of mine.  First it was a lot of the drudgery of formatting and getting it posted correctly.  I realize now that I’m supposed to do all that BEFORE I post it but, ya know, live and learn.  By the time I have the next book figured out I should have all that formatting done prior.  It’ll be easier.  But anyway, first the formatting, and then learning about marketing and promotion.  Trying to figure out my website (not done yet) trying to figure out the review business (and it is a business) and trying to market the book.  So there’s been a lot of reading, webinars, trial and error.  And then there’s the jars.

I started messing around with decorating jars at Christmas time.  I have no idea how I stumbled onto making these jars, but I did, and then I became a little obsessed with making them.  Jean calls it therapy. She’s not wrong.  I get lost in the jar making and it helps me not obsess about book business, or mom, or whatever else I may be obsessing about in any given moment.  Then, I realized, I’m making these jars and what am I going to do with them?  Soooo, I started looking into how to sell them.  They’re too costly to ship, so I ruled out Etsy.  I mean it’s over $10 to ship a jar.  It doesn’t make it cost effective.  I looked into selling at Farmer’s Markets. That would be my choice and I think it would be soo soo fun.  BUT you need a tent, you need weights to hold the tent down, you’d have to know how to put the tent up, you need a table for display and well you need help.  I have none of that.  No tents, weights, tables, or helpers. I did find a flea market that has indoor space and for a small fee you can get an indoor space AND they provide a table and chairs. However, I can’t get anyone to respond to the emailed request or the two phone calls.  I need to go there on the weekend and see if I can find a help.  But I have not done that…yet.  Sooo, then I thought I’ll sell at a store.  Sure, they take a cut of the sales, but I could just see if they sell at all and then I’d know if I can keep making them or not.  No one that I’ve reached out to by phone or email has responded.  But then I found a posting on Facebook of this store that is opening nearby that is going to have all home-made products for sale.  I contacted her and she responded!!  She LOVED my jars and had a spot left that I could share with two others.  We made an appointment to meet.  I was excited.  Exactly what I wanted.  A spot in a store and what if these other two went to farmers market and they had a tent?? I could share with them.  I’d even pay the $50 booth fee if I could just sit under their tent.  However, I have this cold that just won’t stop.  I think it’s allergies.  I don’t think I’m contagious.  But I told the woman I have this cold but I’ll wear a mask.  She said no problem, but she would prefer if I get sicker not to come and we will facetime.  I was sooo excited.  This was it.  She was in constant contact.  The day of the meet I was coughing like an idiot.  It just wouldn’t stop. I thought I can NOT go there with this cough.  They will all hate me.  So she said it was no problem and we’d facetime.  I emailed her early, told her about the cough, gave her my phone number and waited by the phone for the facetime call.  Nothing. Nada.  I have sent her no less than 4 emails. I started to think she was in an accident of some sort and was feeling sorry for her family.  Surely she was dead.  That was the only explanation I could think of for her unresponsiveness.  But then, then, she posts about how excited she is for the store opening on May 1.

I’m devasted.

This was why on Monday I thought, I am trying waaayyyy too hard to make something work.  The book, the jars.  It was feeling like work and I’m exhausted. So I quit.  I reminded myself that I am retired and just took a step back.

Then I sent in another application to be an extra in a commercial.  Did I tell you about that?  I was an extra in a TV show about a month ago.  That was fun.  I mean loonnggg day doing mostly nothing, but what a fun thing to experience.  So I thought I’d apply to do that again.  I mean really you do nothing and it’s a new environment for me.  I will say though, it is not an ego booster to be an extra.  The crew HATES you.  I think that they think that every extra is hoping it’s their breakout role to be a patient in a hospital scene and that is going to catapult them to stardom.  I assure you that is NOT my intent.  My intent is to have fun and see how another world lives.  And I don’t have to do anything but show up.  Well that’s not quite true.  For the show that I did I had to take outfits to change into.  Which was a pain cause I’m lugging all these clothes around a set.  We had to change a couple times, but then was never called back to the set.  A lot a lot of sitting. And eating!  Soooo much food. But I’d do it again.  If I get the chance.  The first time I was so engrossed in everything going on, but next time, when I become the expert, I’ll just take a book.  It reminded me a lot of sitting in an airport waiting for the delayed flight.  You get used to sitting there and pull out your book.  I can see getting used to sitting there in the background crew area and just reading a book.  Maybe I could leave a copy of Finally Florida in a strategic location and someone will pick it up and say….hey….we could make a series out of this?  That’s why the crews hate us.

So this week I had lunch on Monday with Angie, lunch on Tuesday with Kathy, a city hike and lunch on Wednesday with Sally (like 8 miles and my feet were crying) Thursday is mom day where I cook for her and sit and read to her for the day and so today was my planned NOTHING day.  But really not nothing, here I am typing a blog.  That’s not nothing.  I moved some money around, but that was late last night so that might not count.  I talked to my brother.  We got disconnected twice and then he had to hang up on me for real.  I played Wordle.  Took me FIVE tries.  Not a good day. I’ve had two cups of tea. I’m looking around my “corner” where I sit to type these things and do my internet research, and write and I’m thinking maybe that couch is the place to be today.  Maybe there’s a movie on I need to see.  I mean it’s my NOTHING day.  So I need to do nothing.  Ooh, movie, maybe, maybe I’ll take myself to a movie.

Nah, that’s too much work.

xoxox

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Welcome to Retirement

Welcome to retirement and the conundrum of what to do next and or what to eat next.  With more time on my hands and more options I am more stuck than ever. I seem to have a good wake up routine and a good morning breakfast (juicing) thing but now it’s lunch time.  It’s also Farmers Market Day.  But it was raining and I didn’t want to go in the rain.  And now it’s noon and I don’t feel like fighting the lunch crowd.  Which made me think of lunch.  And I sure don’t want to go over to the Farmer’s Market when I’m hungry so I should make something here.  I have tons of healthy food but what should I eat?  Make a salad?  Pickled beets and eggs? Put the pickled beets and eggs ON a salad?  And then there’s the chores around the house.  I have yet to go through my closet.  Why?  I need a day.  I don’t have a whole day yet.  Every day has something planned.  I don’t want to start it because it’ll be such a mess and I won’t know what to do with the piles of clothes.  I have to do that on a day when I can take them straight to my car (no easy feat going across the roads to the garage..#cityliving) and then take them to where?  Goodwill? Salvation Army? Those two are the closest although most people prefer St. Vincent DePaul. And then there’s just general picking up shit around this apartment and moving it to another corner.  Is it time to put mother’s cards away? Maybe I should put some of the jar candles that I’m not using in a drawer to clear the clutter.  Now that I’ve renewed my lease for another year maybe I’ll put some more pictures on the walls. I also want to move my bed over, just a few inches but it’s not easy to move.  Do I wait for the kids or just use my feet and push it over and quit being a whiny baby? I have a stack of magazines.  Do I save them for my next vision board or do I pitch them or do I find someplace to donate them.  OR am I saving them because there is some great recipe in there? Maybe I need to look through them again. While scrolling through Instagram I saw an ad for Macadamia Pineapple cake on Harry & David – so I looked up a recipe to make my own.  That would be a nice thing to make for my mother. I wrote the ingredients down.  I could walk over to the Farmer’s Market and go to the little grocery over there and pick up the couple items I need for that and walk through the Farmer’s Market at the same time.  I can’t make the cake today as I have a 3:00 appointment (hospice) and then I have to be at the rowing place at 5:30.  See?  Always something.  Tomorrow I am on mom and Mya duty (babysitting this weekend) so still not a good time for clothes….unless I can take a load on my way there.  I could make the cake in the morning and while it’s cooking go through some clothes – not all – and then transport the cake, the clothes to give away, my weekend bag to the car and then to Sewickley where I will undoubtedly whine about how hard it is to go anywhere when you have to lug your shit across the Blvd of the Allies into the parking garage.  See what I’m saying? Retirement is not for the faint of heart.

Or I could order Pizza and watch TV until my 3:00 call.

The choices are endless.

xoxox

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Much ado about nothing

I can’t normally blog on demand. Like when someone emails me and says “I’ve waited two weeks for your next blog..wtf” – and then I laugh and then I think eff, what will I say? But that is pretty much on par for me not knowing what to say and so I say a bunch of nothing.  That’s my thing!  My niche.  Just like Jerry Seinfeld. He did years of comedy on a bunch of nothing.  Same/Same.

Speaking of nothing, I am really acclimatized to this new role of being retired and doing nothing. Although I have yet to have a whole day with nothing to do.  I mean being at the beach last week (I was at the beach last week) was relaxing but still each day there were to-dos. Have breakfast, walk on the beach, decide beach or pool, breakfast or dinner out, what to wear, what to eat.  Decisions. Now that I’m home I have something to do every day on my calendar.  This weekend I’ll have free days but I’ll be dog sitting at their house.  I’ve asked them to leave me projects to keep me and the pooch entertained but they don’t.  Dam kids. Doesn’t feel like a free day because I’m not home doing nothing. I’m there doing nothing. June is looking like I might have a couple do-nothing days.

I decided after week 3 to quit counting the weeks because then it felt I would be counting it away.  So I’m not doing that anymore.  I do know roughly that it’s not yet been a whole month of this retired business. I can’t tell if it feels longer or less.  I think it just feels like it is what it is.  I have NO pangs of missing work.  None. 

Here’s a pondering question.  After one is retired, does the term “vacation” change to “travel”?? Most everyone asked me if I was going to “travel” after retiring?  I went to Florida last week. Is that considered traveling?  I did travel. Does the word “vacation” change when you aren’t taking PTO from work? Or taking Vacation Days?  And how about that?  I can vacation and travel whenever I want. Oh that’s right, in June I’m going to Virginia for a couple days.  I knew there was something I was forgetting and then I am staying with my mother in June while my sister goes away. Maybe July will be more relaxing.

Anyway, travel or vacation?  What’s the diff? OR does Travel only refer to out of the country. Well, irregardless (irregardless is not a word) I travel almost everyday out of this apartment and go somewhere.  So I would say I am traveling a lot.  A lot more than when I worked and the car stayed in the garage sometimes for an entire week. This is not the time to travel more with these gas prices.  Good thing I’m rich and don’t care.

On that note, I hope this suffices for a blog.  It tells you nothing, is about nothing and has no value.  True to my style.

Xoxox

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I’ll worry about that tomorrow

The sun is shining (first, a rarity in these parts) and it is shining just so on my TV and TV stand and there is so much dust there that I can see now because of that rare sunshine.  I am sitting here pondering.  Do I get up and dust now?  Get the Swiffer out?  Or do I write a blog? Notice, the Blog has won out.  I mean I really should dust there, and if I start there, then I will end up going all around the room and once I go around the room I will probably go into the bedroom and dust in there.  But I do not always keep going. More often than not I will stop and decide to dust the bedroom tomorrow. I can dust that tomorrow.  Not only because it’s Sunday but because now all my days are Sundays.  I have recently asked Alexa to tell me every day what day it is and what day of the week it is.  She didn’t get it and told me the weather.  But still I need some sort of reminder. Working at home this last year I would wake up and have to purposely stop and think “is this a day I have to get out of bed?” or “is this a day I can roll over and go back to sleep?” Now I can roll over and go back to sleep every day, but I don’t.  I still have a couple lingering commitments, i.e. a 10 am call on Tuesday, a noon call, every Wednesday, this past week I had a 9 am call on Monday.  I know.  I really had to get up that day.  And now that I have the days to myself I have noticed I am getting up earlier, so I can enjoy the day! I don’t want to waste the days away.  I want to enjoy them.  But I obviously haven’t included dusting in that equation.  I’ll get there.  This is apparently a process.

One thing I have added to my day, every day, is Yoga.  EVERY morning before I leave my bedroom, even before I have tea, I do 20 minutes (or 15) of Yoga.  I mean all on my own.  I’m not even forcing myself.  I’m not even doing it because I think I “should” – I’m just doing it. I know it’s good for me, but I’ve always known it’s good for me.  I was shaking my head thinking about last week’s yoga was 15 minutes (this week 20) but how easy would it have been for me to include that in my morning before work.  You’d think it would be super easy, working from home.  Roll out of bed and do the yoga and THEN turn on that stupid computer. But I was under so much stress I couldn’t even allow myself that 15 minutes.  I mean how crazy is that?  No one put that stress on me.  No one ever said “be at your computer by 8 am” – No one. I did that to myself. I’m not spending too much time wondering why.  I’m just accepting the fact that my stressors and my limitations and my unhappiness was all brought about on my own. The only thing that helps is that I’m not blaming anyone and not mad at anyone.  I’m not even mad at myself.  I’m just glad it spurred me to move on because I can not tell you how happy I am not having those stressors, whether or not they were self-inflicted they are just gone now and I spend an awful lot of time smiling.

I have heard from a few co-workers these past two weeks.  Mostly saying hi, how’s it going.  One guy I told him I was born to be retired and he responded that it was nice that I found my calling.  How apropos. LOL. I met another friend for lunch and she brought me this huge present I was not expecting.  That was fun. And I did hear from one PIA asking me where there were extra keyboards.  You can tell by that question that he is one of those people that does not look before asking.  Like your kids when they say “I can’t find xyz” and you respond “If I come up there and find it I’m gonna knock you out” because you KNOW they didn’t even look. Of course you don’t knock them out, but it did sometimes work that they would then quickly look before I got up the steps and would say “never mind!” Dam Kids.  Anyway, so when this guy asked if I knew where the extra keyboards are and I said “my” desk drawer – well obviously he didn’t even look before the text. If he would have said “I looked there” then I would say “then how the fuck do I know?” but I didn’t say that.  I was nice, because I am nice. But really I wanted to say, are you kidding me?.

I’m not gonna lie though, I did kind of like that he asked me.  AND that I knew the answer. I mean it was a stupid question but I still knew the answer.  It hasn’t left me totally yet.  Work stuff.  As for the hard stuff (questions) we will see if anyone asks me a hard question if I have retained any of that.  Jordan suggested a month or so ago that I return to Point Park (college) and resume my old position of doing contracts.  And you know what?  I can’t remember how I did them.  I know there’s a spreadsheet and a macro and some finangling – but that process has left my brain.  As it should.  It’s been 8 years since I left there. I’m sure it would come back to me but I don’t need to find out.

This is a weird weekend in the city.  It’s race weekend.  The Pittsburgh Marathon.  So they have closed all the streets around me.  It is so quiet for the city.  There’s no people sounds and not a lot of traffic sounds because they can’t get here! But that also means I can’t get out.  I had thought I had until 4 am to get my car out and come back but they posted a notice that I couldn’t get out this afternoon. I had plans tonight too so that was a pretty big disappointment. BUT I am learning to roll with the punches.  And that isn’t even a punch.  It’s just a thing.  Which has caused me to sit here and write a blog and to ponder the dusting dilemma and to listen to the quiet and to think about getting out tomorrow and seeing those runners. You’d think the town would be hopping with runners but it’s just so quiet.  Maybe they’re all carbing up somewhere. Or would they have done that Friday night?

Well I’m stuck in the city regardless.  I guess it’s as good a time as any to get the Swiffer out and watch the last season of Grace and Frankie. Maybe start a movie. OR better yet maybe wait until tomorrow since I can’t go anywhere and watch a movie tomorrow.  There’s something about allowing yourself a whole lazy day that is so decadent.  A whole day.  I think that day could be tomorrow.  After I go cheer on a couple runners of course. THEN I’ll watch a movie.  Ohhh I can’t wait.  A reason for living.  There are so many reasons now.

Xoxoxo

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