Is anybody else using the downtime to try and figure out who you are? You know like the self-help books/articles suggest? As I was cleaning today I took a moment and pulled a card, a Goddess Card – just to see what my message was for the day. It’s 11 – Justice. The short messages of the card ”Truth is the foundation of Justice. You must learn how to look outward at the world and inward at yourself with complete and rigorous honesty.”
It goes on for 2 pages. What stuck out for me is the message “justice is about seeing the truth about yourself and your life. If you cannot be truthful with yourself, how can you be truthful with another person? If you do not understand yourself, how can you make a wise choice? … Wisdom is not inherent to your character or personality, but instead you earn it through the pursuit of self-knowledge”..ugh
I took many moments today after reading that card and decided to think about the truth of “who am I?” Does anybody know how to figure this out? Because I am seriously stumped. It’s not the first time I’ve tried to think about this, but I’m getting a little tired of not knowing. It makes my brain hurt. And I’d really like to get it so I can move on to the next step about making wise choices.
When working a 40+ hour work week with a commute on either side there is no time, or interest, in figuring out who I am. The only thing I think about is getting to work, getting home, making dinner, cleaning up, making lunch for the next day, figure out what to wear the next day, watching Grey’s Anatomy if I’m lucky, and then go to bed. On the weekend there’s grocery shopping, and cleaning. On a good weekend time to meet friends for lunch. So when is there time in your normal life to think about anything?
NOW? I have the time. It is true that I still get up and get on the computer and sit here for an 8 hour day but I have plenty of time to think. I am guilty of watching an awful lot of TV but I’m starting to come around to thinking about stuff too. Taking time to be quiet and think. Just like I used to do in Florida. Living in Florida, alone, especially those last three months I spent in Port Orange without working, was good practice for this down time. At that time I sat and thought a lot. It is easier to sit and think in the warmer weather and with the beach nearby. My “job” was to go for walks on the beach. On the weekends my job was to take a book to the beach. Different times for sure. I didn’t think about myself then either. I thought about a lot of things, but not about who I am.
My self discovery today started with the list of roles I’ve played…daughter, sister, mom, aunt, GREAT aunt, friend, girlfriend, writer, dreamer, Reiki girl, office worker, fast typist (although Liesa B gives me a run for my money on WPM) and none of this is who I am. I wasn’t even done with the list when I knew these roles have nothing to do with who I am.
So should I start to dissect what “kind” of daughter, sister, mom, etc. I’ve been? What “kind” of mom was I? What “kind” of mom am I now? Is this how we’re supposed to look at it? Because I’m a very part time mom now. Part-time daughter, sister, friend. I’m alone alot. These tags don’t mean much to me now. It makes my head spin. And in the long run does it even matter who we are? Are we just trying to get through it all and get to the end? With most of those “tags” behind me, is it just a race to the end?
That’s a depressing thought, and a depressing way to think.
I guess that’s part of me. I have depressing thoughts.
Here are some other thoughts of who I am. I like the truth, although not always black and white (this I listed first because I’m watching 60 Minutes while writing this…hmmm add multi-tasker to the list) I’m interested in things that make you cry (in my case that is a long list) but think about music, art, the first time you see the Rocky Mountains, the awe in hearing or seeing something you have never seen before. That is what life is. I love that. The awe and wonder of life. I love birds, not when they are buzzing my head, or building a nest on my porch, or necessarily pigeons, or seagulls attacking your lunch…but I love seeing them and hearing them and when I can hear them I love that it’s that quiet and peaceful. I love the ocean. I love the wind in my lungs, the way it makes me feel like I can breathe. I LOVE sweets. A donut on occasion. I love writing when it comes to me. I love reading a good book. I love helping when I can. I love to volunteer. I love chocolate chip cookie dough. I love vegetables right out of the garden. I love a garden. I love planting flowers. I love lilacs. I love fresh aire. I love the smell of pine. I love living on Mount Washington. I love horseback riding. I have loved my dogs, I have loved walking my dogs. I love sunsets. I love warm weather. I love the sun. I love the moon. I love the snow the first time it falls. I love people..mostly..I love my friends, my neighbors, my family. I love all the goodness that is going on right now, in spite of all the worry and death and uncertainty. It’s making us reflect on what is important. Some of us anyway. I think more of us than less.
I guess an underlying trait of mine is I “love” a lot of life.
I’m not gonna lie. I’m a little worried about it being all over, like my life being over. This coronavirus is like a biblical plague. Have I complained to God too much about my less than satisfactory circumstances throughout my life? Is he gonna say “fine then, you’re done?” Or will he say, okay you appreciate life, keep going. Which side of me gets my point across to the Universe? My good side or my bad side? Which side of me is me? How is it going to tie in with who he takes in the plague?
This coronavirus is so sporadic. It doesn’t make sense. They’d want us to think it attacks older people mostly – but do statistics support that? It does go through nursing homes but it also takes healthy people. Young people and old people. And am I the only one that is shocked that 60’s are considered old? Even 61? I can’t make sense of it. I don’t know how to process all the information. Nobody knows. I cry a lot. I cry at the commercials thanking the workers. I cry at 60 minutes. I cry at the news. I cry at all the love in the world now.
On the other hand, we have those “protesting” staying home. Crazy Trumpers I’m sure. I am no longer being politically correct about my feelings for Trump. He’s an idiot. Although at times I also feel sorry for him. He is in so over his head. He never thought he’d win the presidency let alone have a real situation that he had to “lead” us through. Well, I say God bless Trump and the Trumpers, please. If they want to go out and mingle amongst themselves have at it. I will try and stay away from them. I’ll continue to stay home as much as I can. Wear my mask, and the gloves, wash my hands and take the threat seriously. And who knows, maybe everyone in New York dying is fake news and no one will ever get sick again. Wouldn’t that be great? If we were tricked into staying home and spending time with ourselves and our families? And forced to work from home which is 90% of the workforce dream? Sure there is unemployment but how about the world pitching in and helping. I mean the world is good.
I for one don’t want anything to go back to “normal” – I want to evolve. I want to see the new normal. I want to be alive to see the new normal. I want people to find themselves, and I want the Trumpers to be right and we can socialize again and nothing will happen. I’m cautious…but happily open to being wrong.
This was in the last paragraph of my Goddess card today:
The possibility of peace on Earth begins with understanding Divine justice….Justice is about seeing the truth about yourself and your life.
What if Peace on Earth starts with thinking about ourselves? And God is giving us the time to do it. Peace on Earth would be pretty cool.
xoxoxo
xoxo