lynn monahan

The good mom that I am, I checked with the boys a week or so back and said “Are you voting?” – Zachary answered in the usual Zachary way like I’m the dumbest person in the world and of course he’s voting and he probably is familiar with every single platform of every single candidate.  So that was a yes.  And although we didn’t discuss how he was voting I am positive we are on the same page, not that it matters, but you know it kinda does.  And then I asked Jimmy…

Jimmy was born in April 1991. So the first voting which was not a presidential vote, he would have been 7 months old. John has taken Jimmy to the voting booth EVERY election since Jimmy was born – even when he was 7 months old.  And Jimmy would always go. He never acted like he was too old or too embarrassed – he went into that booth with his dad and watched him vote.

Once when Jimmy was about 10 he asked if any Presidents had single mom’s.  I could tell he was wondering if he’d ever be qualified to be the President of the United States. Isn’t that something?

When he was a Junior in high school we were visiting colleges in Florida and we had one day at Disney – I told him to pick 5 rides and we would be sure to hit them – first thing he picked was the Hall of Presidents.  I didn’t see that coming.

So when I asked Jimmy if he was going to vote last week and he said “no” I was a bit stunned and wanted to reach through the phone and strangle him.  NO?  NO?  But the calm mother I am, I stayed calm and I said “WHAT?” He very defensively said things like:

• Mom they’re all assholes
• No matter who you vote for they all lie
• It doesn’t affect me at all
• I don’t even know who is running
• I’m not going to vote for someone just because my parents tell me to (and why not?)

So I calmly tried to see it through his eyes.  All politicians are basically assholes.  He’s not wrong.  There’s good ones out there but we probably only hear about the assholes.  I also think they all lie – just look at the commercials.  Sheeshhhh….

And on the very surface he is not affected by what is going on.  He is a white male, citizen, no religious affiliation (non practicing catholic if he’d have to choose), although one pair of his grandparents were immigrants they are dead.  He is successful at his job and makes good money.  There are no migrant workers coming into ADP to take his sales job.  And if they did Jimmy would become fast friends with them and invite them to his parties.

And he HATES the news so he doesn’t keep up with current affairs (although he did text me the day of the Squirrel Hill shootings and was very affected by that).  He has always hated the news (only watching the sports channels) and when he would come home from school and I’d be sitting on the couch watching the news he’d make me turn it off.  He says things like “why do you want to watch that stuff – it’s all bad and negative – turn it off” – I bet a lot of you didn’t know this side of Jimmy.  He is pretty easy going but he has his lines in the sand.  Watching the news is one of those lines.

So I agreed with him on the surface it doesn’t affect his day to day life and tried from a different angle – I asked him to think about the environment and how that is something that will build and affect him so that is something to think about when voting.  He didn’t disagree (phew) And I tried to explain that this is really about Trump and even though we’re not voting for a president there is a message to send – but again he said “so he’s an asshole – in 2 years another asshole takes his place” – I dropped it and decided in my 20’s I didn’t vote midterms either and it was hard to argue giving his point of view.

Last night Jimmy called.  He calls every Monday.  We were discussing what he was doing this week and he told me he was meeting his dad after work and voting.  YAY!  I asked if he knows who is running etc., he quickly cut me off and said he’d do his own research in the morning and he’s not going to vote for who his parents vote for (again, I don’t know why this is such an issue – but okay)– I said okay Jimmy I’m just glad you’re voting.  He shared that between me and his dad and his boss yelling at him he figured he would go ahead and vote.  Hey whatever it takes.  He said his boss yelled the most.

I know what he’s going to do.  He’s going to do exactly what his dad taught him all those years taking him to the polls.  When Jimmy was a teenager and still going to the booth every year with John I asked him what kind of advice his dad gives him when they go in.  He said his dad told him “what you do is scan the ballot and always vote for the Italians.”

God Bless America…

xoxox

I never liked snow skiing.  I tried, really I did.  We had a cabin (a very nice house) near Seven Springs for a few years when I was in my youth so we made a really good go of it on the weekends, driving to the cabin and heading over to the slopes. But I never remember liking it.  I was always too cold.  I lost control on ice patches.  The rope tow pulled at my arms like they were going to come out of the sockets. My skis would get all bungled up under me but the worst was the chair lift.  I was little, I mean maybe even little for my age, so those chair lifts would never quite hit me right.  I remember many a man grabbing me by the pants and pulling me into the chair. Then the ride up was even extra cold.  I’m afraid of heights to begin with, the air is now like ice, the lift stops (because no doubt some other little kid missed the chair and they had to stop it to pick them up) and now you’re swaying back and forth in the sky, cold and I’m sure I’m going to fall out of the chair lift to my icy death below.  And when I was fortunate enough not to fall out I had to “get out” at the top and get off the lift which meant keeping those skis straight up and out in front of you, getting the poles just right so you didn’t trip over them and pushing off the chair so it doesn’t hit you in the head and knock you down.  It was so stressful.  And right when I thought I was finally graduating from snow plowing to parallel stopping (after I paralleled right into Ellen at the bottom of the run) well that’s when the money ran out, the cabin was sold and I was ever so grateful to give up skiing.

I just came back from Pittsburgh and going through the security lines at the airport reminds me of that damn chair lift.  It’s like you have to get your ID out and have it ready and whatever means of boarding pass you’re going to use and balance it ever so precariously with your carry-on and your big bag that you hope will fit under the seat.  But I don’t want to get out my ID and boarding pass too soon because I’ll drop it or lose it so I wait until the last minute digging into these bags, zipping and unzipping wallet pockets to get out my ID – and then you get to the screening belt thingy.  So you have to figure out what to do with your ID.  Do you put it back in your wallet, zipping and upzipping?  You can’t put it in your pocket “NOTHING IN YOUR POCKETS” (I hear in my sleep) – and I have to go into the under seat bag and make sure I can pull out my liquids in my quart bag which invariably has opened and spilled out under my purse and jacket.  The shoes off is easy.  I can usually do that without peril. But the pressure of the people behind you that are waiting for you to get organized and get your shit on the conveyor belt and then get in line and hope you don’t beep and then you have to hurry to the end of the line to get your things well it’s just enough to make you have PTSD about chair lifts and skiing.

All that aside I had such a nice Pittsburgh visit.  I had a planned girls weekend with Ellen and Jennifer, two friends from gradeschool (see above comment about running into Ellen on a ski vacation) and well it was so genuinely lovely to spend a weekend with these two. I have kept in touch with both of them and have seen both of them in the past year but Ellen said she didn’t think she’d seen Jennifer in 25 years.  That just seems hard to believe.  One of the things we did was visited our homes where we spent time having sleep overs 50 some years ago.  We walked around the outside of Ellen’s old home.  They didn’t let us go through this time.  Ellen has been through it before but not this trip.  Jennifer’s home has this huge gate – like serious gate – so we didn’t get past that.  Probably would have been shot on site.  But my home we got to go in.  Barb (new owner) has lived there 30 years and she loves it there.  I love that she loves it there.  I mean I could have gone through it any number of times since I only moved away 5 years ago but I just never had the desire.  Jennifer lives in Maryland and Ellen is outside of Chicago so visiting is different for them.  I’m still too connected to be that nostalgic, but that visit to the house was quite special.  So much the same and totally different at the same time.

In other news, Mom is all settled in at Kerry’s.  Thinking back we should have taken her into her own place and got her settled there with Kerry spending time getting her settled in an apartment but as it is now she is not up for another move…yet.  Moving takes a lot out of the best of us, let alone an 86 year old blind woman so she’s settled into Kerry’s with the masses (all the kids that live there as well) and I added to the masses by staying there after my girls weekend too.  I had appointments to look at apartments but she said “no” – so kinda changed the purpose of the extra stay but I was still happy to be there. We still did “getting settled” things – just not apartment looking things.   I got my fill of friends and family and remembered what it was like to have a social life once again.

I came back to Florida Thursday afternoon, dropped off my luggage, and went straight to the beach for a walk. I’m not doing much laying out these days.  It’s still very very hot and well I’m just liking the walks. I mentioned just yesterday that it’s not Fall here in Florida (we are 30 degrees hotter than Pittsburgh today) but that’s really not true.  It is Fall in Florida.  The sun is different so the shadows are different.  There are many dead leaves falling off of the trees on my car and in the parking lot.  They’re not changing colors but they sure are falling.  It feels like Fall.  It’s just still hot. But that will change soon enough.  Yesterday morning it rained and when I got up to come sit on the porch I had to change plans as it was the hottest I’ve ever felt it here. Today though it’s beautiful.  I’m sitting out here not sweating!  I’ve seen a couple people walking over to the pool, I thought about doing that.  I thought about making it a beach day and sitting in the chair over there but started writing (I know right!) and well I guess that’s not going to happen either.  But maybe I’ll go for another walk. When you have nothing to do there are so many options!  When I am in Pittsburgh/Sewickley I am so stressed about trying to see everyone and I always miss someone – actually I miss a lot of someones.  Between my own kids, my sister’s grandbabies, my mother and not having a car, well it’s like impossible to do it.  So I go from that ridiculously busy guilt-ridden social conundrum to sitting on my porch with absolutely nothing to do (I walked around with the Swiffer earlier).

Everytime I’m in Pittsburgh I think it’s time to move back.  Everytime I land in Florida (and especially now that I live this close to the beach) I think there’s no way I can go through a winter.  So for now it’s just going to have to stay status quo..

xoxox

My friend Jean is at the Van Morrison concert in Pittsburgh tonight.  I’m so jealous but she did text and say she’s too old for concerts.  Speaking of the moon..

I love my apartment. I really do.  I don’t even have it all put together yet and really not motivated to finish with the wall decorations, but I just love being here.  I don’t know where to put all the pictures – wall pictures and framed photos – again with the photos.  When I moved into Moon Township I had perfect wall space for everything and then I made new, custom-made collages for perfect spots for that apartment’s wall space.  Here, on one hand I feel I have too many wall pics (and just brought more from moms)  and on the other hand I have all this wall space I don’t know what to do with – I know crazy right? But I just love it here even without the walls completed.  I love sitting on my couch, I love being able to walk into the kitchen area and see the TV from there – I love my new table and lamp that I brought from my mom’s, I love my bowl of angel cards that I can turn over when I leave in the morning and when I come home at night.  I love the fact that I could sit on my couch OR my porch. I don’t know there’s just something welcoming about this little place and the plants that greet me when I walk in the door every night.

And then of course there’s the proximity to the beach.  Last night I threw on a little beach dress and walked on the beach right after work – it was so lovely.  I was practically the only person so with no one watching I even tried jogging a little bit.  I know right?  The water was pretty high up on the beach.  I’m not sure what that means but it seems like it might mean that it’s a bit stormy out there.  And in fact the waves were pretty rough.  When I first moved here to the Ocean side I thought I’d never get used to the Ocean – it’s just too big after living on the Gulf side for 2 years (Is that all it was – just 2 years?) But now I look at that ocean and I just love it and I pinch myself and smile really big because I can’t believe that I live here and I can throw on shorts right after work and go for a walk on what is almost like a private beach (at times) – it’s unbelievable.

I’ve been trying to budget/treat myself to at least (or at the most) one meal out per week.  Only once a week mostly because it’s so much better to cook at home, unless like me you are on the pb&j diet.  When I was getting those Purple Carrot boxes I was so dedicated and healthy and loved cooking.  Now I’m so tired when I get home and I don’t have anything prepared and don’t feel like preparing and I go right to the pb&J.  I also go right to the beach sometimes and then get home too late and don’t want to cook that late.  I bought chicken and turkey the other day. I have big plans to just have chicken ready to throw on a salad and I wanted to make some turkey/black bean chili and have it at the ready, but every day I say to myself…tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll do that.  So tomorrow is chicken cooking and turkey chili day.  I’ve eaten all the lettuce for salads so it’ll also be a store day.  ANYWAY, my two go-tos for eating out are a place over at the beach on the back water at a marina looking at the boats.  That’s one place. It’s called Boondocks. It doesn’t really have that great food but I like the whole bar/marina vibe – and I kinda like sitting in a bar – even though I’m just drinking an ice tea – an outside bar mind you, but I don’t know,  there’s something very comforting about sitting at a bar…isn’t that wild for a non-drinker?  My other go-to place is the Sushi place which I think might be a chain – Sushi 99 – is that a chain restaurant?  Well I go there and sit at the sushi bar – they give you a free appetizer and free soup!!! So those are my two go-to places so far.  There are many many restaurants around here I should keep exploring.  There’s a big some kind of Crabby place right on the ocean – but you know those places are typically real touristy and well I don’t think it’s the kind of place you go alone.  I used to be real uncomfortable…back in the day…eating alone.  I think now I kind of enjoy it.  That’s a little weird too, isn’t it?

I’m changing so much in this middle adolescent self of mine.  I listened to something recently that said childhood is considered birth to 58!  After 58 is when you start adolescence or maybe it was middle age starts at 58.  I like it and I am grasping how that really makes sense.  I mean the lens in which you look at your own life and your problems and issues and your likes and dislikes well that lens is so much more defined.  I don’t know that it’s made it any easier for me, actually it might make things a little harder.

Let’s take my job for instance.  I am having a really hard time.  I have been having a really hard time at that job since I started it for a variety of reasons.  But therein is one of those lenses…ya know?  Is it the job, or is it me?  I think about what are the reasons for this dislike of mine? It seems like I haven’t liked any job for a long long time. But that’s not entirely true is it?  How does this job compare to other jobs I didn’t like?  I remember how much I didn’t like Point Park.  That said I’d give anything to go back.  Not really. Well maybe.  I don’t know.  But that grass is never greener – but at Point Park I did like my job, I really did, but there was just an administrative vibe there that was troubling.  That hospice temp job I had, I liked that job, a lot, but there was something there too that I couldn’t cope with – some issue that didn’t have anything to do with the actual job itself – that made me want to leave it, hmmm again maybe something about authority (in HR).  Okay okay, maybe we’re getting closer now.  And now this one, well it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Authority is always an issue for me but this one is more…well I don’t know this one is a lot of different things. And now that lens that I’m looking at it through is also different and really different as to how to process and how to proceed.  I am much more conservative now in my actions. I don’t even recognize this new me – I’ve learned some things out of necessity for sure!  But that begs the question, how do you proceed in life when you’re so unhappy in your work and what is the lesson that the last 3 jobs have all resulted in unhappiness in one way or another.  I’ve heard Stephanie say she LOVES her job.  Can you imagine?  LOVES her job…Some days she settles for “really likes” – I’ve heard Maryann say she loves her job too (right Maryann?  Am I right?) A friend at work , who just transferred out of a hateful position, also says she now loves her job.  I was trying to remember if I’ve ever loved my job.  I remember when working at Thomson Newspapers and working from home with all that traveling, I remember saying I really liked my job. So at least I did like my job at one point.  It’s possible to do.  Of course I ended up getting tired of that one too. So what’s the answer?  Anybody?  Anybody? That’s what I’m trying to figure out now.  What is the answer.  Another job is just going to be same – another office job that is.  Maybe what the history is telling me is that these office jobs are not for me…anymore.  I mean there are aspects to them I like.  I like tasks but maybe just not in an office?  I don’t know I’m grasping and brain-dumping here on this blog to try and figure it out.  I really liked when I was blogging everyday – that would be the perfect job for me – and it was while writing Finally Florida.  That’s I guess my dream job – live life and then take an hour or so and spill your guts to your 20 followers – and then after a couple years turn it into a book, that no one wants to publish.  HA! There’s a goal for me.  So maybe I do have a dream job.

Tomorrow is a new moon.  A new moon is a when you’re supposed to write your wishes and/or make your intentions known and give them up to the moon.  I actually do this every month.  I have a little book by the side of my bed that every month during the new moon I write down my wishes – both large and small – from a new kitchen rug to being a published author.  I’ve gotten the rug, can the published author be far behind?

So tomorrow, with all of your help in helping me figure this out – well I’m going to write to that damn moon again and maybe I need to be a little more direct this time –or stand up tall – or use big words and say “look moon, this is serious now, I’m not kidding around. I’m 60 and it’s time for me to do this. No more pussy-footing around. Don’t make me say it again.  Oh and send money…love, Lynn.  PS. I really like to look at you, you’re very pretty”  Maybe that’s how the mid-life change of career thing works.  Maybe all those people with late life career changes, Grandma Moses, Morgan Freeman (I still like him) Julia Child, maybe they wrote to the moon too.

Well I’m not quitting my day job, but I will be on my knees in the prayer position when I write to the moon tomorrow – send me a sign Lord (or Moon).  Send me a sign….

Xoxoxo

To Sandy and Barb:

August was a month of goodbyes. Stephanie’s husband, Tim, died on Saturday, August 18.  I got a text early that Saturday morning saying his heart had stopped and he was on life support. I jumped in the car, made it over to St. Pete and the hospital in time to say goodbye.  It was similar, so similar, to what we just went through with Flo (Jimmy’s grandmother).  His eyes were open although he was on a ventilator and I swear he winked at me 🙂 – well maybe not – but I’m glad I was able to say goodbye.  He lived for 12 minutes without the ventilator and off to Heaven he went.  A sad weekend indeed.

Then came the trip to Opus (Virginia) to pack it up and say goodbye. I left after work last Wednesday and made it to Savannah by dark –when I say Savannah I mean along I95 there – not actually “in” Savannah.  The exit is called Port Wentworth. Up early the next day and off I went, promising my car that this was the last long road trip in her little life..(I hope)  And did you know that from that exit it’s only 4 miles until you cross into South Carolina?  Did you know they are that close to each other?  There is a great Farmer’s Market off of I95 in Florence SC by the way, if you’re ever in the area.  Called Pee Dee Farmer’s market – I stopped there and bought a ton of peaches.  They were so good. We ate them all week and I made a peach pie!! Delicious.

So anyway, the weather was cooperating and for two days, it was under 90, and I was able to get a lot of work done without sweating. On Sunday we had our first buyer come through.  They didn’t buy the house but they loved it which was nice to hear.  We’re not quite ready anyway.  I am hoping that it will all fall into place and sell when it’s time.  I am also hoping that the time is coming up very soon!!  But back to the goodbyes.  So moms friends had a nice gathering for her on that Sunday.  Remember how she was a drummer for a dance group?  Not like Phil Collins drumming but like this:

Anyway, her friends had this dance/gathering in her honor and she drummed and danced for what we assume is the last time.  She had a lovely time and enjoyed seeing (hearing/being with) old friends.  It was very special and such a nice send off.

Various people stopped by throughout the week to see mom and say goodbye knowing she was leaving.  The saddest was her high school friend.  They both realize of course that this is not just a weekend away at the beach and that they will never see each other again.  They’ve been good friends since 1949 – before that actually.  I mean can you imagine?  I can and I can imagine how sad it will be when my time comes.  But you know what? All these goodbyes for mom were so nice. I mean think about it. She’s not sick, she didn’t die, she was just sitting in the living room talking to people saying goodbye.  Really really nice.

And then of course all our goodbyes to the house.  My brother drove there from California – took him 5 days.  Get this –  his car (mini-cooper) has this light that comes on after about 5 hours of driving asking if he needs a break with a picture of a teapot and a biscuit.  Isn’t that cute?  He was hoping that he could push some button and it would tell him where the closest Starbucks was.  That’s a good thing to add to next year’s model.  Anyway, so he got to mom’s Monday night.  It was hot by this time.  Like so sweating hot. You know she doesn’t have AC.  I’ve lost 5 pounds because of all that sweating.  I’m a happy camper about that. I said goodbye to the creek (a couple times), goodbye to the trees, goodbye to the garden, goodbye to snake skins, the piano and the birds. It was super hard physical work and it was cathartic.

Kerry got there on Thursday and the pinochle games began.  I found an old pinochle deck in the corner of some closet – really old deck – but in perfect shape.  So we played with the honored deck. And I’d like to add that I was victorious winning 2 games out of 3 over the weekend.  Anyone that has played cards with me will know that it was all luck but still….I won.  We had so much fun.  We laughed a lot. We sat on the porch and reminisced about our childhood memories, we worked hard on our house projects and well it was a wonderful time and a lot a lot a lot of teary goodbyes.

Mom is now at Kerry’s (my sister’s) in Pittsburgh area. It seems to be going well.  She lived in my sister’s house 35 years ago so it’s not that unfamiliar.  She says she’s getting around pretty good. The kids (the babies) so far are not tripping her and seem happy to have her there.  It’s only day 2 but hey we’re all very happy.

Everyone (sister and brother and myself) have projects, so to speak, to keep us going and not wallowing in this particular ending. Scott is still at Opus getting it  ready to sell and have an estate sale.  He likes his projects and he’s invaluable.  He doesn’t mind the snake skins we find in the basement (or dead mice in old punch bowls)

Kerry has my mother to get settled in addition to an already full household and I have my job to catch up on after being out 10 days.  I have 10 days to get caught up at work before leaving again for a week when I go up to Pittsburgh to help mom look for her own place.  So we’re all staying busy.

A friend at work just had a similar weekend with her brothers this past weekend.  They too sold her family home and they all went and sat on the porch for one last time reminiscing for hours.  What we’re  going through is not unique.  So many of my friends have lost their parents, sold family homes and the like in the past few years.  But when it’s your turn it’s so very personal and so very special.  I am grateful that we had this time together, I am grateful that my mom is not sick and/or we dragged her out of there against her will and although we all sort of hoped she would die there peacefully in her sleep she seems to be enjoying being with her Evan (grandchild) and the great grandchildren.  I guess she has more work to do before she can join Tim (Stephanie’s husband) in heaven.  I did tell him my mom would be there shortly and to keep an eye out for her.  But shortly is relative is it not?

September has started off with new beginnings for us and for Stephanie. Mine might be a little bumpy for a bit but a fun weekend is also on the horizon.  I was watching some surfers yesterday (the ocean is rough with that hurricane out there) – anyway I was thinking how those surfers are out there waiting for the perfect wave.  Some times they catch one and ride it beautifully for a bit – sometimes they turn into the wave and ride up and then slide down and do that up and down thing a few times – sometimes they jump off their boards altogether and dive into the wave – well it just made me think about life and the waves we go through in our lives, our relationships, our jobs. Sometimes we wait for that perfect wave, sometimes we think it’s the perfect wave and then end up jumping off completely and trying again, and sometimes it’s a good wave for a minute then a struggle for a minute then a good wave again.  Do you see it?  I know Mary Ann does.  She used to tell me all the time to “ride the wave” when I had a boyfriend.  I’ve jumped off that wave you know but I have a lot of other waves going on right now and my seas are stormy!! Just think about all the waves my mom/our parents have gone through.  Ya know?  After what my mom has gone through for the last 12 blind years, living alone in the woods, well I hope her seas are calm for the duration .

xoxoxo

Parting shots:

I’m a tad reluctant to show you “the couch” – I mean I had such a buildup didn’t I?  The anticipation of lounging and TV watching?  Well, I will report that I am not disappointed in the lounging/TV watching aspect of my new couch.  I have watched and lounged quite a bit in the two days I’ve had it.  I’m a bit afraid to sit on it because it’s so clean being ever so cautious of using a pen (I was making a list) and I will never ever eat on it, at least this first week.  Then I’ll probably just put a sheet on it and eat sitting on the couch watching TV like every other single person. I know you normal people take all this for granted.  Like being able to walk from room to room.  You know in my little efficiency where I just moved from I didn’t have that room-to-room luxury.  There was the bedroom and a chair in the kitchen.  Ya know?  Now I have a bedroom WITH a chair, a kitchen area, a living room WITH a couch and a screened in porch with yet another sitting chair.  Plus I can just walk around in a circle if I want.  Soooo many options.  And today I walked across the parking lot to the pool, just because it was another option I had yet to try.  And get this, I am doing laundry, on a Sunday no less.  I’ve taken a dip in the pool, used sunscreen, and then read a little of my book before walking back to my apartment to have lunch and put the load from the washer into the dryer.  The pool temp was/is perfect.  The first time I tried it was tooo warm but today? Perfect temp.  I have yet to discover the perfect place to write this blog, or be on the computer.  I don’t have a desk.  So far I’ve tried the little patio table as a desk.  That’s worked pretty well.  I know the chair which is now in the bedroom works okay as that is what I’ve been using for the last year and a half.  Last night I was scanning pictures, on the floor, using the couch as back support and right now I’m sitting on my screened in porch.  Yes it’s hot, but what I do is crack the screen door just a tad and then I have the fan blowing cold air on me.  It works quite nicely.  Although this old dinosaur of a computer gets kinda heavy on the lap.  Maybe I need one of those lap desks. I’m not sure why that wouldn’t be heavy too.  Or a contraption that goes across the arms of the chair, you know flips up like those old desks in classrooms?  And then I could put it down when not in use?  Has anyone invented that yet?  Isn’t that genius?  Actually there’s alot of those little stand kind of tables that will work perfectly.  Now that I think about it.  And thank you for letting me ramble on until I noodled it up. I’ll add one of those tables to the list.

I have quite the extensive “wish list” going on in my head, and on paper.  Nothing major.  No new cars or anything that major. I still want that piece of marble for my dining room thing. That’s a little bit of a major expense, but not like a car. I’m gonna do it, I just don’t know when.  Maybe by the end of the year.  And now I need that little desk contraption that I’ll just take with me and turn any place I want to sit into my writing area.  Plus a few rugs – one to go with the new couch – a couple more here and there.  And a new computer.  I’ve had this computer I’m using now since 2010.  I hate to get a new one if it’s not needed but it doesn’t have a battery anymore.  Yes I could replace it but it weighs a ton.  It’s very slow these days from who knows what spyware has gone undetected. But the pictures. What will I do with all those saved pictures?  Again with the photos.  They are a source of agitation at best. I started scanning some last night and made a pile to throw away.  But now I’m afraid to throw them away because what if the computer dies before I have a chance to do a Snapfish kinda thing and then they’re gone.  It just seems too sad to put those photos in the garbage.  I obviously have issues.  Lots of them around memories.  I was telling Di yesterday how there’s a box of photos at my mom’s house which I labeled “people we don’t know” and there they sit.  My blind mother will never be able to identify them, obviously.  And if we don’t know them then why not just pitch them.?  Why did I save a box of pictures who we will never know who they are? God help me.

So back to the couch.  The reason I’m reluctant is because I know it doesn’t fit correctly on the wall where I have it set.  But I want it that way to make the TV viewing the top priority and because I know Martha Stewart Living is not coming in to my apartment for a photo op.  Although she may reconsider once I have it all set up.  I also know that it doesn’t have much color in the room, but it will look much better with my new rug that I’m planning and the table and lamps that I plan on stealing from my mom at the end of the month.  Of course I’m not stealing them, but I am taking them from the house we are selling so they have to go anyway.  Those items, in my opinion, will make this area so much more cozy.  But here is a preview.

I was testing out color with that little rug in front of it; but I think I’m going to go with the big version of this one from Bed Bath and Beyond:

Do I have anything else to show you?  Maybe my bedroom where I have finally put the painted flower table where it was intended to go when I envisioned it.

I have a couple more projects in mind to make it homier, mostly furniture from my mom’s so the next phase will have to wait until late September after I go back up there.  I guess that trip at the end of August will be the last time ever I am there.  The sadness of that time is, at times, overwhelming.  BUT I have to learn to cherish the memories of times past and look forward to the future, right?  We moved three times when I was growing up.  I lived in three houses and my parents then rented a little house in Aliquippa of all places (Harper Village) until my dad died.  I don’t ever remember having the sadness about moving back then.  Never, ever.  I just rolled with it.  It wasn’t until I sold Fair Oaks that I got this way.  Oh wait, I forgot, I’m not talking to my therapist.  Oh wait, I forgot, I don’t have a therapist.  Ha! Well there’s the problem.

xoxox

I’m not going to go on ad nauseam about my new “happy” place; although I’m not sure why not.  I mean I did go on a while about how “unhappy” I was didn’t I?  Doesn’t it seem like people are almost more interested in hearing bad stuff?  Well I guess it makes sense.  Lots of people are miserable so it’s easier to relate. I still have things that are causing me misery.  Take Amazon for example.  I bought a new Firestick – an upgrade from my first one that I’ve had for several years – well anyway I got it on Prime Day – only $20 – so hook it up and there’s no sound. None.. Ended up calling Amazon and they said to return it and they’d send me a replacement – must be something wrong with it.  So they sent a replacement – it doesn’t work either (no sound) – 2 hours on the phone and 2 days later a very snarky tech guy tells me that it’s not compatible with my TV.   So I return it – write a 1 star review cause you know they could have saved me hours on the phone if they told me upfront it wasn’t compatible with a Sony TV.  Welll…don’t you know the next day another agent calls and said that the other agent gave me wrong information and it certainly is compatible with my TV and if I wanted to try again he promised he would be able to fix it. So wait, I get it back out of the mail the next day – had mailed from work but they didn’t pick it up yet.  Had to make an appointment for his call at 7 pm and all he did was tell me he was going to file a ticket and then call AGAIN on Monday.  Ya know? Is it really worth $20?  Nooooooo…so there’s that misery story.

Let’s see what else, my forehead is peeling from the sunburn…that’s a little miserable.

I think I might have just gotten bit by a bug..

My under-the-counter light that I bought for my last apartment and moved it here will not stay up.  It keeps falling. Damn thing.  Pissing me off.

That’s it.  My friend Kathy, at work, she has these great cards…you know, like angel cards. Anyway, we have been tasked, by the angels, to not talk about negative stuff any more, only talk about positive things and then more positive things start coming into your life.  So….

Tonight, Friday night, when for the last year I’ve been going home, sitting in front of the TV and basically doing nothing, well…tonight I did this:

And then I stopped to see this on my way home.  Just when I thought my sunset days were over, well all I had to do was look left and there it was, setting.  What is this called?  A lagoon?  A bay?  Anyway, as it was setting, the ocean started turning pink.  It was beautiful. It just keeps getting better and better in my happy place.

Tomorrow my plan is to stay away from the beach just for my skin’s sake but I plan on sitting on my peaceful screened-in porch with a big cup of tea in the morning, then finishing my book by the pool.  I might go and find the mall too.  It’s right at the intersection where I get on I95 to go to work – that’s one mile away.  I have lots of coupons and I need lots of stuff for my new apartment. There’s also a movie theater over there – maybe I’ll even go to a movie. It’s like I’ve come back to life!

NEXT Friday my couch comes.  There are no words for how happy I’ll be to lay on a couch and watch TV.  I do love walking on the beach but, but, laying on a couch?  I don’t know, I have a lot of couch-laying catching up to do.  It’s going to be a Friday night toss-up.

xoxoxox