The sun is shining (first, a rarity in these parts) and it is shining just so on my TV and TV stand and there is so much dust there that I can see now because of that rare sunshine. I am sitting here pondering. Do I get up and dust now? Get the Swiffer out? Or do I write a blog? Notice, the Blog has won out. I mean I really should dust there, and if I start there, then I will end up going all around the room and once I go around the room I will probably go into the bedroom and dust in there. But I do not always keep going. More often than not I will stop and decide to dust the bedroom tomorrow. I can dust that tomorrow. Not only because it’s Sunday but because now all my days are Sundays. I have recently asked Alexa to tell me every day what day it is and what day of the week it is. She didn’t get it and told me the weather. But still I need some sort of reminder. Working at home this last year I would wake up and have to purposely stop and think “is this a day I have to get out of bed?” or “is this a day I can roll over and go back to sleep?” Now I can roll over and go back to sleep every day, but I don’t. I still have a couple lingering commitments, i.e. a 10 am call on Tuesday, a noon call, every Wednesday, this past week I had a 9 am call on Monday. I know. I really had to get up that day. And now that I have the days to myself I have noticed I am getting up earlier, so I can enjoy the day! I don’t want to waste the days away. I want to enjoy them. But I obviously haven’t included dusting in that equation. I’ll get there. This is apparently a process.
One thing I have added to my day, every day, is Yoga. EVERY morning before I leave my bedroom, even before I have tea, I do 20 minutes (or 15) of Yoga. I mean all on my own. I’m not even forcing myself. I’m not even doing it because I think I “should” – I’m just doing it. I know it’s good for me, but I’ve always known it’s good for me. I was shaking my head thinking about last week’s yoga was 15 minutes (this week 20) but how easy would it have been for me to include that in my morning before work. You’d think it would be super easy, working from home. Roll out of bed and do the yoga and THEN turn on that stupid computer. But I was under so much stress I couldn’t even allow myself that 15 minutes. I mean how crazy is that? No one put that stress on me. No one ever said “be at your computer by 8 am” – No one. I did that to myself. I’m not spending too much time wondering why. I’m just accepting the fact that my stressors and my limitations and my unhappiness was all brought about on my own. The only thing that helps is that I’m not blaming anyone and not mad at anyone. I’m not even mad at myself. I’m just glad it spurred me to move on because I can not tell you how happy I am not having those stressors, whether or not they were self-inflicted they are just gone now and I spend an awful lot of time smiling.
I have heard from a few co-workers these past two weeks. Mostly saying hi, how’s it going. One guy I told him I was born to be retired and he responded that it was nice that I found my calling. How apropos. LOL. I met another friend for lunch and she brought me this huge present I was not expecting. That was fun. And I did hear from one PIA asking me where there were extra keyboards. You can tell by that question that he is one of those people that does not look before asking. Like your kids when they say “I can’t find xyz” and you respond “If I come up there and find it I’m gonna knock you out” because you KNOW they didn’t even look. Of course you don’t knock them out, but it did sometimes work that they would then quickly look before I got up the steps and would say “never mind!” Dam Kids. Anyway, so when this guy asked if I knew where the extra keyboards are and I said “my” desk drawer – well obviously he didn’t even look before the text. If he would have said “I looked there” then I would say “then how the fuck do I know?” but I didn’t say that. I was nice, because I am nice. But really I wanted to say, are you kidding me?.
I’m not gonna lie though, I did kind of like that he asked me. AND that I knew the answer. I mean it was a stupid question but I still knew the answer. It hasn’t left me totally yet. Work stuff. As for the hard stuff (questions) we will see if anyone asks me a hard question if I have retained any of that. Jordan suggested a month or so ago that I return to Point Park (college) and resume my old position of doing contracts. And you know what? I can’t remember how I did them. I know there’s a spreadsheet and a macro and some finangling – but that process has left my brain. As it should. It’s been 8 years since I left there. I’m sure it would come back to me but I don’t need to find out.
This is a weird weekend in the city. It’s race weekend. The Pittsburgh Marathon. So they have closed all the streets around me. It is so quiet for the city. There’s no people sounds and not a lot of traffic sounds because they can’t get here! But that also means I can’t get out. I had thought I had until 4 am to get my car out and come back but they posted a notice that I couldn’t get out this afternoon. I had plans tonight too so that was a pretty big disappointment. BUT I am learning to roll with the punches. And that isn’t even a punch. It’s just a thing. Which has caused me to sit here and write a blog and to ponder the dusting dilemma and to listen to the quiet and to think about getting out tomorrow and seeing those runners. You’d think the town would be hopping with runners but it’s just so quiet. Maybe they’re all carbing up somewhere. Or would they have done that Friday night?
Well I’m stuck in the city regardless. I guess it’s as good a time as any to get the Swiffer out and watch the last season of Grace and Frankie. Maybe start a movie. OR better yet maybe wait until tomorrow since I can’t go anywhere and watch a movie tomorrow. There’s something about allowing yourself a whole lazy day that is so decadent. A whole day. I think that day could be tomorrow. After I go cheer on a couple runners of course. THEN I’ll watch a movie. Ohhh I can’t wait. A reason for living. There are so many reasons now.
Week one and done. And what a peaceful week it’s been. It’s been busy but just the freedom to do what I want is something. It’s not nothing. It’s just an emotion hard to convey. What have I done? A little of this, a little of that. You know how you walk in one room and start cleaning and then it’s like, “this goes in another room” and then you go in the other room and start something in that room and then you remember, “wait, I was cleaning in this other room” and well then you go the bathroom and decide to clean the tub. It’s been a week like that. Which has been wonderful because little by little I’m getting stuff done. Nothing all at once mind you, but a little here and a little there and it’s a pretty wonderful feeling. No deadlines, no hurry up and check emails, no get to bed so you can get up. None of that. And honestly it’s hard not to “do” anything. It’s hard not to have an agenda.
I like the idea and believe in the idea of letting go, the premise of clearing out old patterns to allow new patterns to develop and emerge but it’s hard. Thinking that doing “nothing” is not easy. But “doing” something is an old, fought lived and won battle for like your entire life. Going to school, getting a job, getting married, having kids, getting unmarried, having kids, getting a job, keeping a job, kids again, mortgages, dogs, I mean life is filled with doing stuff. Making sure the future is taking care of or at a minimum getting through the days so there is a future. But now my future is here. And because I didn’t do it the preferred way (well planned and thought out and financially responsible) I have to do it the “other” way that according to the tea-towel pictured above is the way many of us have chosen to retire. By the seat of our pants.
But the having to do something is still ingrained in me.
I am on many job boards, like Indeed.com, and continue to get daily notices of jobs. Remote jobs, airline jobs (!), part time jobs, notices I signed up for these past few years when I thought of this retirement thing and every day I think “ooh there’s a good one” – but there are so many good ones I don’t know how to narrow it down. And then I remember it’s been ONE week! ONE. And I don’t want to work right away again. I want to live into this retirement before I jump back into a schedule. I can do it and I should do it. I mean that’s the idea, isn’t it? To finally enjoy life? I just need to clear out these old patterns of taking action, thinking about what to “do” next and instead simply enjoy being alive and in the world. That’s my job now, to enjoy my life, enjoy being in the world. To consciously quit “doing” and just “be”.
I can learn something by my minute-by-minute routines and apply to my life, letting life take me where it will. For instance, while writing this blog, just now, I got up to make a cup of tea. While waiting for the water to boil I looked at the floor and saw “dirt” – the sunlight is hitting the floor just so and I could see dirt. So, I grabbed the broom and wanted to get just this one corner. But then that broom just kept going and I kept seeing more dirt so I kept sweeping. Before you know it I was in the other room with the broom. Then I decided to put the broom away and get the Roomba (Beverly) going. But that means blocking off certain areas because Beverly and shag carpets do not go together. So then I had to drag around my paraphernalia to block off the carpet and THEN I started Beverly and THEN I came back and sat down And THEN I remembered I forgot my tea and THEN I went back in the kitchen to get my tea and then I remember the tea towel that I wanted to take a photo of for the blog and well eventually I found my way back to the chair with the computer and began to finish the blog. But do you know what was/is missing? Stress. I have no stress. I am not on a deadline. I don’t “have” to finish this blog by a certain time. I don’t “have” to get back to work or check emails or pack all my to-do things into this two-day weekend because I no longer have only week-ends. (Remember that line from Downton Abbey? “What is a week-end?”)
I do have to get ready for a play at the Benedum today. Going to see “To Kill a Mockingbird” with the girls and then we’re going out to dinner. We’re going to get extra desserts to celebrate my retirement, at least I am. I’m not overly worried about the weight gain because I’ve already incorporated morning yoga when I get out of bed – because I am not rushed now – and I have my rowing on Monday nights and hikes and well I have time now. And I am determined to have time to live my life. BUT I have yet to unsubscribe from Indeed. I mean there is still that part of me that thinks there might be a good job out there. So I still have work to do, which is to quit looking for work.
I gotta go. Beverly got stuck under the refrigerator and who knows where that will lead me when I go in to unstuck her. But I’m not worried about it. I have all day.
A retirement short story (that is a little too long)
Typically, when you celebrate someone’s retirement, it is from years of service at one company. But I have never been what you call “typical” and I have not been at UPMC for years. I worked there 3 years, just enough time to get vested. (Although admittedly 3 very interesting years) So what I’m celebrating is retirement from this lifestyle and this style of working. I have been working in this style of working (office jobs), primarily in this city (Pittsburgh, PA), for roughly 43 years, and in those 43 years I’ve seen a lot of changes.
Although my very first office job was at CMU in 1978, my first “city” job was 1981 at Union National Bank on 4th Avenue. In those days I had lunch at Hites Drug Store, shopped at Lerner’s on 5th, window shopped at Roberts Jewelry store and checked out the cat that would hang out at Weldon’s Paper store. I worked in the city while the PPG Tower was being built and my then husband was an iron worker hired to install the glass in the Towers. My oldest son, Zachary’s, name or initials are carved up there in those spires.
I’ve worked several temp jobs through Marsetta Lane, from Marsetta Lane Temp Services throughout the years and interestingly she got me every single job in my entire career (in the Pittsburgh area) starting in 1981 except for this final job at UPMC. Prior to UPMC I had always started out as a temp. Marsetta and I talked recently and she shared that she’s placed women, their children, and now some of their grandchildren. Imagine that!
Computers weren’t used when I started work, but I remember when they started appearing. One Christmas while working as a temp at Alcoa, when nobody was in the offices except me, I taught myself (on the phone with my friend Diane who already was using it at Wheelabrator Frye) the Four Phase computer system. (delete delete control delete). After that, I worked at a company called Schneider Enterprises (construction) on 7th Avenue. We had a “sample” computer in the office and a big “main frame” computer room in the basement. So someone was using computers obviously that the big room was built for, just not me yet. After sitting at that sample computer for 6 months and learning the “Word Star” system I needed glasses for the first time in my life. Thank you, computers! My boss (Frank, Jr.) carried around a brief case that was a mobile phone. Schneider was a big company when I started with over 10,000 city employees and within a couple years after I got there it went bankrupt. I was one of the last ones there. I often wonder what happened to all those people I worked with and to this date frequently look for them when I’m out walking around the city. I was really young when I worked there. I wonder how many are still living? I know the owner is long gone (deceased) but some of my colleagues from there should be enjoying their retirement now too! One day, just a couple years ago I chased this guy down the street asking if he was Paul Cannon. Someone from my Schneider days. After we talked (and I calmed his fears that I wasn’t going to assault him) I realized he wasn’t even born when I worked at Schneider. I am always looking for my past colleagues at the age they were when I worked with them. I should have asked him if Paul was his father.
After Schneider closed I moved to Terra Enterprises (Commercial Real Estate) to another city location, the Gateway Towers, where I met the original Jimbo Lamanna. Jimbo taught me how to fill out my very first March Madness bracket, and I won the office pool my first time! Jimbo also introduced me to Froggy’s where I spent way too many Friday happy hours. It was after knowing Jimbo that me and a few friends started calling each other “Bo” which has stuck to this day. We still call each other “Bo” (that company also went bankrupt).
Somewhere in my temp years I worked at PPG in the Tower (the same one my husband helped build) and remember my friend, Mary Jane Calder, coming over to my desk with her radio to listen to the news about the Challenger explosion. It was a strange day.
I used to smoke cigarettes at my desk and drink alcohol at lunch (but not too many of those cause it makes you really tired). I would talk on the phone (desk phone – there was no cell phones back then!) for seemed like hours to Diane (that actually went on for several years – still goes on.) I parked at Three Rivers Stadium for 50 cents a day and walked over the bridge into the city. I walked year-round, rain, snow, wind. That’s just what you did. The wind was the worst. I never brought a lunch to work, always opting to eat out, and there were so many options. There was even the Gypsy Tea Room back in the early 80’s where you could have lunch and get your fortune told all at the same time! I could not imagine getting up in time to make a lunch. Or the idea that I would possibly know what I wanted to eat that day. I mean how do you know?
I would sometimes meet my mom at lunch when we both worked downtown when she worked for Gulf Oil. She loved this neighborhood group we saw at Mellon Square called Rusted Root. I know, right? They started out at Mellon Park. My mom claims she discovered them.
Before becoming a regular of the 3rd floor Happy Hours at Froggy in the 80’s, many Friday night (and afternoon) Happy Hours were spent at the Grog Shop (in the Steel Building – now a Daycare Center), and I remember a few at the Rusty Scupper in bottom of the Bank Building on 4th Avenue. We had our favorites throughout the years.
I eventually left the city life (and bars) sobered up and ended up working in the suburbs. I had a boss, Jim Gleim at Thomson Newspapers, the best boss ever, who taught me how to operate this newfangled thing called a mouse that plugged into the computer. He would stand over my shoulder clenching his jaw saying “double click,double click”. I finally caught on. Thomson Newspapers turned out to be the best job of my career. Jim pushed me to learn every computer program I could. I kept up the learning but at some point (many years later) the programs got too far ahead of me. I mean you just start to get it and the program becomes obsolete. Thomson Newspapers was sold off and a few people from Thomson went on to be giants in their careers. I am proud to be able to say I worked for them. It was also at this job when the realization hit me that I was no longer the youngest one in the office. I was so used to being the young one but we had just hired “little” Gayle…she was 19, maybe younger than that. I just remember she was very young. She is now a Grandma. That was a turning point as well. I mean I literally remember where I was standing when I first had that thought of not being the youngest in the office anymore.
I worked for many people throughout the years that had trouble keeping assistants. Frank Jr (mentioned above) – went through them daily. Longest one before me was a week. When I interviewed at Schneider they said I wouldn’t last a week. I made it longer than Frank Jr. I worked for him about two years before Frank Jr. moved out west. Jim Gleim, also mentioned above, was not the office favorite (sorry Jim) when I started there. The other assistant said she wouldn’t work for him for any amount of money. He turned out to be my favorite boss of all time. Although I have liked a few other bosses for sure. Even one of my jobs in Florida 5 years ago at Stetson with Rosalie, she has trouble keeping people, but I liked her alot. I didn’t leave there because of her. I think that must have been my niche back in the day. Working with hard to work for people. But it hasn’t always worked that way. I have also quit on a few. I quit when my job at Schneider moved me from Frank Jr., to Frank Sr. I was like “nope.” One of my temp jobs, but only one, I walked out at lunch time. They were lawyers, they were mean, and I couldn’t figure out how to print on the computer. I mean, it was early days of computers and I just couldn’t figure it out. So I said eff it, and walked out. Marsetta kept placing me so I guess it worked out okay.
At another temp job, again with lawyers, I met a woman whose name I can’t remember but who was a huge inspiration to me. She was in her 50’s and had just graduated from law school. She shared that in her 40’s she thought “in three years I could be an attorney, or in 3 years I’ll be doing this same thing” so she went to law school. When I was in my late 40’s I finished my degree too. She was the inspiration for that. You just never know what you’ll say that will inspire someone. I always remember her (just not her name).
I ended up leaving the suburbs and ventured back into work in the city when I took on a part time job at Federated Investors on 10th as a meeting planner (in addition to finishing my degree at Carlow full time and being a single mom). My first day at Federated was the first day they allowed women to wear pants. It was also while working there, pulling into the parking lot on Smallman, that I was listening to Shelly Duffy on B94 (John, Dave, Bubba, Shelly) when she announced the plane crashing into the Twin Towers. Air travel has never been the same but prior to that I traveled for work a lot as a meeting planner, traveling all over the country. After that, never again for work.
After graduating from Carlow, I left Federated and worked 7 years at Point Park University, working back on 4th and Wood near where it all started in 1981. So proud of my degree that I just received, but as it turned out, when you work in higher ed, a bachelor’s degree is about as equal to them as your graduation from elementary to middle school. Not a great career move on my part. But I made and kept many many friends from that era.
Currently I work (or as of yesterday) in the US Steel Building, the tallest most impressive building in Pittsburgh. In my mind working in the Steel Building was the epitome of making it in your career. I had often claimed I wanted my last job before retirement to be as the assistant to the President of US Steel. Back in my day US Steel was the biggest company in Pittsburgh (thus the US Steel Tower) and I’ve always been in awe of the company. These last 3 years I finally achieved this goal to work in the Steel Building on the 60th floor, but not for US Steel. However, last year I found out the President/CEO of US Steel’s office and private bathroom are directly over my desk on the 61st floor. I found this out when his private shower leaked through the floor above onto my desk (not as bad as it sounds). Although I never attained the goal to work for him, I’d say I got “close” to my final work wish.
Those days and that city fun life are just memories now that I can laugh about with my friend Diane who also worked in the city and hung out at the bars with me ever since our graduation from Bradford School (then on 5th Avenue in the Park Building) in 1978. (she retired last year!) None of the Happy Hour bars exist, none of the many lunch places, i.e. Palmers, Smithfield Café, and none of the places where you would run in at lunch and buy a quick new whatever you needed at Kaufmanns, Horne’s or Saks. None of them are still in business. I don’t feel old, but reminiscing and realizing most of the businesses and all the restaurants are closed makes me seem old. Time just gets away from you. One day you’re in Froggy’s fighting your way through the crowd to the bathroom and the next it’s boarded up as if it was never there at all, kept alive only by the fans watching This is Us (where it’s referenced frequently). Tramps, a restaurant/bar where we would meet before heading into Froggy’s is totally gone. It’s an empty lot. So much in the city now is gone or just dark and boarded up.
I’ve never really given much thought to someone’s retirement before. Obviously because it wasn’t about me, but when you put it into perspective with everything that has happened before, no matter where you have worked whether it one job or in my case many, it’s the lifestyle that has come to an end. A particular kind of life. But that also means another kind of life is starting and that is very very exciting. (I can’t let Diane have all the retirement fun without me!) And this city is too depressing now. After seeing it through the years with so much going for it, it now just makes me sad with the homelessness the boarded up buildings and closed businesses. As much as I’m an advocate for working at home I would support a return to the office just to bring life back here and stores into these storefronts. I’d love to see this city return to life. Just not by me.
I cry at most anything that ends. Movies, commercials, relationships, and today, my final work day, was no different. I actually felt like I was going to cry a couple times, I could feel it coming on, but when I dropped off my laptop to IT, and put my badge in interoffice mail (to return) I could not stop smiling. I got on the elevator and teared up while smiling. It’s not sad that I’m feeling. It’s something I’ve never felt before. Well that’s not entirely true. The last time I felt like this was when I walked across the stage at Carlow University and finally received that bachelor’s degree. 29 years after starting my college years I finally finished. It’s like that. Like I can’t believe I’ve finished this. And the only reason I’m really sad is because I’ll really miss these views from the 60th floor.
I went in early today to see the sunrise from the building. I had taken many sunset photos but never thought about sunrise. Here’s a couple of them from this morning:
Ya know how your phone makes those little videos for you? They made one for me of views from my desk. There are so many more but here is a sample. Views from my desk: here
When people ask me what I will do next in my retirement the answer lies somewhere between nothing and everything. I’m sitting here now finishing up this blog wondering what I’ll do next this very moment. There’s so much to do (massage at 3, dinner at 6:30). But in the big “what’s next” I just don’t know what to start with. I think I’ll start with whatever it is on Monday. Today is just a Good Friday in so many ways, a day to reflect.
I have been reminded recently that I have a duty to my friends and society at large. I’m doing some spring cleaning, looking at past cards and looking at a card I got last week from Stephanie and well it’s apparently my duty to be the first one amongst my group to be courageous and take leaps of faith. This is not to say that my leaps always turn out successful, or in retrospect wise, but that said, my life is filled with good stories, laughs, and only a few WTF years. I mean out of 60+ years to have only a couple WTF years is not bad. I guess when we’re going through the WTF years they feel more devastating but looking back it’s mostly remembering that it wasn’t so bad and often much better than we thought. Kind of like taking a photo of yourself. I think we all mostly hate a photo of our self the instant we see it. Then a couple years later when we’re cleaning out stuff we see that photo and think “I look good here” – “I wish I was this fat again” – Why is that? Seriously, why do we hate ourselves in the moment but then when we look back think we look good? There’s some message in there. Some life lesson. And I guess that’s a little like taking these leaps that I do. And once in awhile someone takes a photo and you think “wow I look good.” This leap I am currently taking feels like that. Like “wow, this is good” – every bone in my body and in my aura (except there are no bones in my aura, but you get where I’m coming from) anyway, everything feels right about this leap. What am I referring to?
Retirement.
I know a lot, a few, maybe nobody, is cringing. You should have heard my financial guy. First of all, I can’t even believe those words are coming out of my mouth. Financial guy. I have been basically what most would consider poor my entire life. Paycheck to paycheck at the BEST of times. I never thought I made enough money to save. It was only me all those years. I had to pay my mortgage, my car, and get to work and had (still have) two kids! One time (at least once) I had to call off of work because I didn’t have gas money to get to work. That’s how pathetic my life was. But only pathetic financially. And the one day that I’m remembering that I called off because of gas money I sat on the computer and figured out how to start a blog. (and JaNel read it! My first reader) I remember that day. And look at that. A wasted day? I would say not!
Anyhoo, Financial Guy, well thanks to my mother, no, thanks to my Grandfather, no thanks to my relatives that came over on the Mayflower and who were here since Jamestown, we (and I mean my mom) had that beautiful house that when she sold it she shared generously with her kids and I now have a financial guy. I was never able to do that with work. Just with mom. God bless her soul in so many ways.
So, my Financial Guy, CRINGED when I told him I was retiring now. He’s like wait, you have nothing. And I said LOOK, you can’t look at me through a financial lens. I will NEVER have financial wealth by working at an 8-5 job that you guys hope for. No, I will need to make my millions some other way. And it’s not going to be at this office job. And the longer I stay at this office job the more I am away from any dream of personal success. So just sit back, shut up, and let me figure this out. Let me take the leap and see what happens. Because one thing I am positive about, nothing is going to happen if I don’t leap.
I follow a lot of spiritual based people like Mike Dooley and Sara Landon. Sara’s messages are full of “you are the master of your universe, you create your happiness, blah blah.” Not that I don’t like the blah blah, and I love Sara Landon’s back story and how she got to where she is, but Mike Dooley’s message is take action. So combining the two messages, you are your own creator and take action, has helped me to get to this moment. I believe I can do something else, but I have to do the work. Not exactly sure what that will be, but as soon as this last week is over (last work day is April 15) I will have at least a moment to think about it. I can’t tell you how exhausting this job has been. A couple months ago I described it as soul crushing. I mean it’s just a job and not really a hard job. But when your soul is telling you it’s time for something else and you feel this push and my soul is saying, come on, let’s go, well those work tasks that are so stupid and menial have to go. My life comes first and I just know I am so much more than this. And thanks to Franklin D. Roosevelt and his idea of social security and those 43 years of working soul crushing jobs (no seriously there were some fun times) I can take this leap. Also a part time job at Aldi’s will help as well 😉
So that’s something you readers have to look forward to. MORE blogs. I miss writing. I miss keeping up with this blog. Maybe there’s a book in me somewhere. Maybe in retirement, like in finally florida, you can all watch me emerge like the phoenix rising, or crash and burn. But either way it’ll be a good read.
