The silence is deafening

Sometimes it is stunned silence that we are feeling – that people feel.  That’s how I feel.  Just stunned and dumb (like not talking dumb) and frozen in sadness.  I don’t know what to say and I don’t know whatever I say if it’s going to be inappropriate.  I had a work colleague at Stetson who is black and who would always challenge me to “talk” about whatever I had to say.  He was so great.  I mean really great.  That whole group there in my little corner was great for this exact thing.  Challenging me to think about the things that came out of my mouth and thoughts that once confronted with them I could see how “wrong” they were.  We white people have no idea, NO idea, of the thoughts, the conditions, the deep seated programming that we have grown accustomed to. And we don’t even know how bad we are.  That’s why I just don’t want to say anything because I am so afraid of saying the wrong thing.  And so afraid I’m going to make this about me, like I just did there.

But Twitch (on Ellen) and several other posts have said, please say something.  The silence is deafening.

I am the aunt of several black people – 2 boys and 2 girls.  They are raised with white people.  I don’t know what this means to them and so far it means nothing to me because I’m white and I treat them like my own children.  No different (although, you know nicer because I’m a grandma/great aunt now and they go back home!) But for the 3 that live around me I never forget that someday they might be mistreated simply because of the color of their skin. It makes me sick to think they could be mistreated and think about how they would have to process that. It is heartbreaking.  MY babies.  My son Zachary’s best friend in highschool, Micol, is black.  He was planning a trip to Ohio once when they were in high school and I said “be careful Micol, blah blah” and he said “mom, I can get shot going into a 7-11” – I’ve never forgotten that because it never crossed my mind that anyone I knew would have that fear.  That was about “other” people and “other black people” – not about anyone I know.

But this horrible prejudice, this horrible injustice, this horrible behavior that goes on in our country is unacceptable….obviously.  Yet for years, hundreds of years, we have, again obviously, accepted it. 

I wonder if we all have a first time that really sticks with us when we realized just exactly how horrible it is to be a black man in America. Mine was Jordan Miles (look him up – Pittsburgh PA Jordan Miles).  A high school kid walking home from his grandmother’s house, with a Mountain Dew in his pocket, in his own neighborhood, horribly beaten by two white men.  Two white men who later claimed to be undercover cops that thought he had a gun.  And they got off.  I am still horrified. Everyone knew those police were lying. EVERYONE.  But nothing happened – maybe a day or two of protests but who cares.  Nothing happened and Jordan was hospitalized for I don’t know how long.  A kid that was going to a performing arts school walking home from his grandmothers.  In his own neighborhood.  Those undercover white cops had no business in that neighborhood and no business attacking him. And there were no consequences for the officers.  I still have outrage over it.  NOTHING is done.  NOTHING is ever done.  And here’s a question – how do these men, these police officers, how do they live with themselves?  Seriously how do you wake up day after day knowing that you senselessly beat another human being for no reason, lie about it in a court of law, have OTHER people lie for you and this child, seriously “child” has consequences for this rest of his life.  How do you live with yourself.

But what did I do?

Nothing.

I had outrage, I have disbelief, I think these things are incredulous.  I just can’t believe it goes on so often. SOOO often. I mean I DO believe it, but I can’t believe that we, as Americans, as HUMANS, let it happen, over and over and over and over.  It’s horrifying.

I don’t know what it’s like to be black but I do know what it’s like to be human.  And apparently there are lots of different humans who think and feel lots of different things.  Human decency would be something you would HOPE we all have in common, as humans.  You know, just like it says “human” decency.  But we’re not all humane.  We’re just not.  We’re just not.

When there are disasters I am always thinking how I can help.   With Katrina I tried to sign up with the Red Cross to go to New Orleans to help in recovery efforts. Recently I tried to volunteer my time with Covid relief efforts.,,, if needed (not really needed around here but I didn’t know that at the time). When we had our little flood in Fair Oaks years ago I was at the Fire Hall helping.   This time too I want to help, I need to help. I just don’t know how and it weighs heavy on my heart.

Everyone thinks the answer is to Vote.  But I am afraid that’s not the end all/be all solution. Don’t get me wrong – we must vote.  We do Vote. I’m afraid elections are “rigged” – I’m gonna say it out loud – I think Trump’s win at the last election was tampered with. I refuse to believe that in America there are THAT many people that stupid.  I refuse to believe my fellow humans are that insensitive.  If you think about it there is only ONE Fox network.  So really, how popular can that line of thinking be?  The rest of the network channels at least support human decency.  If there really were 63 million people that liked Trump wouldn’t there be more than one Fox News channel promoting that bullshit?  Just sayin.

We all must vote – and we all need to vote every single Republican out of office.  I’m not opposed to electing other Republicans – I have nothing against Republicans – I just have EVERYTHING against every Republican in office currently.  Every last one of them…except maybe Mitt.  I used to believe in Marco Rubio.  I’m sad about what happened to him.  I told him don’t get dragged down with this asshole – but he didn’t listen to me.  No one ever does. I’m getting off track.  On point, change is needed everywhere – EVERYWHERE.  And change happens with who is in office.  I mean look at where we are now.  If you don’t think voting matters, just look at where we are now.

In addition to voting we need to understand. I read the book “On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous” – Don’t ever doubt that reading a book won’t help you understand another lifestyle or culture. This book really helped me understand a “gay man” – well as much as I can understand being a gay man. (I am a straight white woman) It has been suggested that to help understand what is going on with our fellowman we should read books. It is our white privilege that makes us think we understand what is happening, but we don’t. We really don’t. And in many ways us white people never will get it.  But we can try harder.  We can try to empathize more.   I ordered, Red at the Bone, by Jacqueline Woodson.  It’s been in my cart for awhile.  I also ordered White Fragility, why it’s so hard for white people to talk about racism, by Robin Diangelo.  Here’s very good news – the White Fragility is on backorder (hopefully that means alot of people are ordering it!)  I’m gonna try this one too “Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America by Ibram X Kendi. Every book club in America, in the WORLD, should be reading these kinds of books right now.  We need to understand what we don’t understand.  Anyone that wants to read along with me and discuss would be great!

I hope it’s okay some of us are not rushing to protest but thinking about what we can do in the long run, because this needs to last, we need to be in it for the long haul. I am hoping to take the second shift. We, as humans, can NOT let George Floyd’s death just be a blip, a “moment” in history. It needs to be THE defining moment in history.  We need to keep this momentum alive and make these less-than-human-beings accountable. We need to stop racism in the world. We do, we just do.

My neighbor said she didn’t think the protests will help.  So I asked her what she thinks will help and she said “social media” – the more we can show people what really happens in the world, like George Floyd, like the two men who got kicked out of Starbucks, the more awareness that is out there the more we have to confront it. I read it was a “white” women’s upload of the two black men kicked out of Starbucks that went viral.  That is a good thing. It would have been nice if she would have stepped in but at least we can start by all paying more attention, film it, spread it.  I also hope we will now be braver and confront it while it’s going on.  When we can witness it and see it with our own eyes can we speak up?  Can we be a “witness”?  When faced with the truth will be brave? We can confront our own disbelief and we can confront the liars. We can see on that video that there is no one resisting arrest.  WE SEE IT.  My neighbor thinks this witnessing will help.  I hope so.

I think kindness would help too. Maybe also some prayers for peace and understanding and kindness and above all, love for one another.

xoxoxo