On Golden Pond

If I had my lake house I would be heading up there after work today.  Fall is in the air which seems to make a lot of people around here happy and Fall just seems to be a time to be at a Lake House.  Not that I haven’t lived here all of my life, minus the last 5 years, so I’m used to weather here, but it seems to be an unusually short summer this year.  I remember still being cold in the first week of June just a mere 2 months ago.  JUNE. And it’s not even September yet.  I got through last winter having arrived January 25 knowing there were just a couple more months to go of the frigid stuff. Thinking I have about 10 months to go before I’m “hot” again is making me pretty anxious.  That’s not to say it won’t be miserably hot and humid next week ….I’m just saying…it’s a re-adjustment.  Being gone 5 years is not enough time to forget how much I hate being cold. I’m worried about my coping skills.

I really do want a Lake House.

One of my best memories before I moved to Florida was when I lived in the city and would go to the country on the weekends.  I LOVED that.  The hustle and bustle during the week was balanced by the clean air (near the nuclear power plant?) of the weekends.  I work with someone now who goes to her parents place every weekend at Conneaut Lake – a mere 1.5 hours from the big city.  EVERY weekend.  And has been doing that all her life.  Doesn’t that seem like a great idea?  A lake house for the kids to come to.  Maybe not every weekend – but a visit now and then.  Heck, it’s a struggle to get a visit from them when I’m 3 miles away so I’m dreaming (as usual). That said Jimmy has already offered to buy the boat.  LOL.  He also said I should get a house right on the lake, to which I responded that he would have to buy that as well.  There’s quite a bit of price difference between on the lake and one block back. 

I am not one to let my mind relax as I am already already on to my next “what should I do with myself” living-in-my-head self.  Larry pointed out that I just got settled and maybe I should “set” a bit. I am trying to take his advice into consideration, setting a bit, but it seems like when I decide to set, I get a pop-up notice that a new house has just gone on the market at Conneaut Lake. Or, like today, I’m wearing a summer sweater (a sign of Fall) and thinking this calls for a weekend in the country, except I don’t have a country home…at the moment.  It doesn’t help that I follow #farmhouseliving on Instagram and think about how I would remodel all of those lake houses that I lust after.  This dream of mine is almost as strong as that dream I had to move to Florida that grabbed hold of me in 2007 and never let go until I actually got there! (in 2014) – But that dream was so yesterday and now I’m onto the dream of Lake House living.  It took me 7 years to realize the Florida dream – I wonder how long this Lake House dream of mine will take to achieve OR if I lose interest in it next week.  Who knows, next week the dream could be living in Napa Valley. It’s hard to tell with me.

I love being back home and appreciate my 5-year hiatus for what it was.  A hiatus with a chance to make some new friends and warm up.  But now I am home with family and have a hard time believing I ever left them. It feels like I must have lost my mind there for those few years.  Those babies (my great nieces and nephews) are a source of constant joy.  Today is Mya’s SEVENTH birthday.  I can still pick her up (she’s so tiny) and she’s a cuddler, so even though 7 is like ancient she’s still a baby in my mind.  I can’t imagine moving away again, well at least not further than maybe a Lake House, although I’m okay with being a snow bird.  I’m happy to have the farmer’s market again although where I currently live there is nothing close.  Living in Sewickley you just walk there, every Saturday, and it’s a really good farmer’s market.  Living in Mt. Washington, well you have to drive somewhere, or buy it in the city and lug it home on the bus. Seriously, this is not a problem, I feel ridiculous even bringing it up.

I’ve gotten out of the habit of writing – as you can tell by these sporadic, almost non-existent blogs.  I haven’t found my writing spot at my new place.  I have many areas where I could set up.  I have my mom’s old secretary desk which could be a great place, but sitting there I face the wall.  I have the kitchen table which is comfortable but no window.  I have the couch which could work but none of them are the perfect place…yet.  You know, if I had a Lake House, I bet one of those rooms would work well for a writing studio.  The real reasons are I’m just too busy, I’m uninspired, and I’m not sure what I want to write about.  Have you noticed in life how there’s excuses for no matter what decision you make?  For instance, I could just simply tell myself “it’s not time” for writing again.  I could tell myself “everything happens for a reason” or “you’re effing lazy, get back to it” – I could tell myself “this is not your path anymore – go do Reiki – or make cookies” – I could tell myself “it’s like exercise, I just need to start again” – or I could tell myself “quit thinking about it and if you feel like writing, write, otherwise turn on Hulu”

I’m somewhere between all of them.

There are other things in my life that I have enjoyed and have not been able to maintain (in addition to my weight).  Horseback riding comes to mind.  Horseback riding was my #1 joy in life for many years.  But my riding friends are no longer riding, that I know of.  Aimee just moved to South Carolina. The horses are all dead that we rode.  And I’m not getting any younger, although, I have seen many riders well into their 70’s.  WELL into. The more I get away from it the more intimidating it becomes.  I was never real comfortable with the whole tacking up thing – but once on I was pretty fearless…pretty…my riding friends might disagree.  I would love to get back on.  I still have my helmet and chaps.

You know what really puts a damper on life? It’s the working full-time thing.  I mean, I don’t’ mind my job. Nothing personal against the job this time. It’s not like Stetson where I would cry and wonder WTF every day.  This time it’s a great gig.  I have my city view from the 60^th floor. I have time to think about what I’m doing. I’m in the city which is not a bad place to work since I have a relatively short commute. Lately I’ve been remembering all the different places I’ve worked downtown for the past FORTY years. Literally a lifetime in and around downtown Pittsburgh. I have always thought I would have achieved my life’s career goal if I worked for the President of US Steel in the US Steel building.  Well, I work in the US Steel Building.  US Steel is on the 61^st floor.  I’m on 60.  I mean close enough.  So one dream realized.  Moving to Florida for 5 years…realized.  Remember, well I remember, when I first had the move-to-Florida-itch saying I just needed 5 years to recoup after my stint as a single parent (it was emotionally exhausting for me)…I might have initially said 10 years…but 5 was good.  I actually think I said I needed 10 years before becoming a grandmother (and 5 years in Florida).  And you know what?  Those 10 years are up.  I think the way life works is you retire and being a grandmother kinda come at the same time…at least in my scripted life. I’m ready for both.

It’s hard to be the one still working when your friends are retiring (and becoming grandmas) – although as evidenced by my friends who are also grandmas, the working full-time gig might be easier.  Could be a case of “careful what you wish for”.  That said I am really looking forward to what comes next.  I feel like I felt when I graduated from high school, or got married, like on the precipice of something new – a new time – a new era.  I am really looking forward to this retirement thing and the next phase of my life. Social Security says I have 5 years and 8 months but the lottery is still a possibility.  Even without the lottery, as evidenced by my blogging, 5 years goes FAST.  It’s coming right up. I need to get that Lake House in order and start the remodel so I have somewhere to retire to.

One of the very best thing of keeping this blog is looking back over it and seeing where I was last year or 5 years ago.  Finally Florida is always fun, and heartbreaking, to re-read for me to see how that whole experience changed over a couple years. Thinking back to last year around this time Tim died (Stephanie’s husband), having just moved into my Daytona Beach apartment– jumped in the car and drove over to St. Pete to be with Stephanie for the weekend. I had put in for a FMLA leave at Stetson to help my mom move out of Virginia, having just listed her house for sale.  As Facebook reminded me today (last year) was the day I left Stetson to drive to Virginia for the 2-week pack up to help mom move.  I did not know it was the start of my end days at Stetson (still remembered with fraught) and the beginning of the end of Florida days. I did not see it coming at all.  This time last year I was still saying (over and over) “I can’t quit my job” and “I will NEVER move back to Pittsburgh.” Once I accepted my fate they turned out to be two of the best moves I’ve ever made. It will be something to look back at this time next year and see where I am.

I can look back over my life and see some of the “dreams” that have come true and those that I never saw coming.

But then again all my changes have been dreams come true…I just didn’t see “how” or “when” they would happen.

And isn’t THAT something to think about?

xoxoxox