One time when I was like 8 years old I bought my mother a birthday card all by myself. It had a picture of a bluebird on it, and well we have always loved birds. She even got me one for my charm bracelet way back in the day. So when I found this birthday card with a bluebird on it I knew it was the one for her. I didn’t show anyone the card ahead of time and proudly handed it over on her birthday. I remember how pleased I was as she opened it knowing that she was going to be so happy with me. She opened it, and then there was chaos and I was completely at a loss for what had just happened. My mother, who was often in those days rather volatile, was unusually calm. I think my brother ran off in hysterics thrilled that I was in trouble and my dad just looked amused. I however was baffled.
Here’s what the card said, ”May the bluebird of happiness (open card) crap all over your birthday cake”
How the hell is an 8-year-old supposed to know what “crap” means? Maybe today’s 8 year old’s know but I just thought it was a pretty blue bird, something that bonded us together, and there was a cake and it was her birthday. I mean really, who the hell writes these cards and where the heck did I buy it? I know where I bought it, at Seven Springs lodge somewhere. Some sense of humor that gift shop had.
Well anyway, I laugh every time I think of that memory. Thankfully my mother doesn’t remember so apparently hasn’t scarred her for life. I would suspect that bluebird charm was purchased before the incident though. I don’t know how many years it was before I bought her another card.
It was, even at the time, hilariously funny although I felt bad about disappointing my mom and although her disappointment showed she was nice about it. Parenting is like that though, great big ups and downs.
I love parenting. It has been the greatest gift of my life. There is no other experience like it. There is this love you feel for your kids that is unexplainable and until you have children unimaginable. You just can’t describe it. It is also the only experience where you can feel this unexplainable love for your children while at the same time wanting to run them over with your car. Know what I mean? I mean some days you just want to kill them. Not literally of course but honestly…Liesa Besong just sent me a letter that Mr. Vaccaro sent to her when our boys were in 4th grade. It was a detention warning about how bad Jimmy and Jeffrey were. Hilarious…now. Did we think it hilarious at the time? No. It was a long nine more years with the two of them. One time I had to drag them off the floor of the Thrift Drug store as while I was paying for something at the cash register they were on the floor wrestling. I think they were 14 years old ish. Ya know? Not little kids. I wanted to kill them but couldn’t stop laughing. I had to bite my cheeks so they thought I was really mad. Crazy kids. They were always doing stupid stuff like that. It was without a doubt very entertaining years and those memories are wonderful. I rarely remember (now) wanting to run them over with the car.
Well, my life continues to be like that. Sometimes I forget that bad days and good days are just two sides of the same coin, so to speak. Mike Henning, God rest his soul, spoke at Dennis and my wedding. His talk was a warning to us that we needed to learn how to hate each other. His point was that it’s easy to be in love, get married, have the honeymoon but until you learn how to hate each other, as well as love each other, you’ll never last. We didn’t last. But it was much more complicated than that. But such good good advice.
I am often afraid of the bad times, and the hate times, as if that’s it, we’ll never get back to where we were. That’s probably why I’m quick to pack my shit and go. I just have never learned to trust that the bad will be over. I’m afraid that once something takes a down turn that’s the end of it.
Well I’m getting better. I realize, now, after so many years that maybe it’s okay to have a “I hate this place” day because the next day I’m going to have a “I am so blessed to be here day” – But I need to figure out how to remember not to be so fearful about my bad days and down times. At least today I’m aware of it. And I must remember (as well as my 22 readers) that my next “just shoot me” blog day will shortly be followed with a “God loves me” blog day. This is I’m sure what Maryann means by “riding the wave.” I am just way too overly concerned with crashing and burning for good. I’ve always known the “good” days don’t last, but I need to reframe to focus more on the “bad” days don’t last. (PS – does anybody know if I’m using these “quotation” marks correctly?)
I know I am not alone in this up and down business, I would assume I’m also not alone in the trying to balance when not to “run” during the bad times (run just being a metaphor for thinking it’s the end) but most people know to keep this shit to themselves. I’m not crazy for having these thoughts, but blogging about them? That’s what makes me batshit crazy.
Oh well, to know me is to love me. Could be why I’m all alone living in the woods with my blind mother who really has no choice but to love and house me, and thank god she doesn’t remember the bird card or hold it against me. It’s okay though. I really did have a blessed day today out there in the woods, with the snow all melted and the sun shining and 70 degrees. It really is beautiful here. I didn’t feel like running over anyone OR slitting my wrists all day!
xoxoxo
I really like the bluebird charm!
Me too!!