Embracing the In-between Time: My Spiritual Journey of Self-Discovery and Work

When you write at the end of a day, but its actually after midnight, technically the next day, what day is it to you? It’s Thursday night in my book.  Friday is tomorrow.  It’s in-between time.  Maybe that’s the title of this blog then, the in-between time (AI improved the title to what it shows).  My son Jimmy is marrying Emily next week.  They are beginning their “official” time together.  I’m in-between an ending, many endings, and a beginning.  I’m measuring my time by the success of, well, by my measure of success. So not sure where that puts me on the scale of time. Like when I achieve success, have I reached the end? And my measurement of success depends on what my focus is at any given time.  My focus, right now, is on retirement and the meaning of retirement, what it means to me.

Retirement, like raising a family, in my opinion is a process; a hopefully long haul.  With any luck, retirement lasts about 30 years. Jimmy (the one getting married next week) is 33 years old.  I raised Jimmy.  I have been through a lot in those 33 years.  Therefore, it compares a 30-year retirement is another lifetime waiting to unfold.  Another Jimmy life left for me to live. My older son is 41.  I know I don’t have 41 years left in me.  I also could only have a day, a week, a month, or a year left in me, anything can happen.  But that is also true at any time in our lives.  So for now, I am planning the rest of my life on the expectation that I have a lot of life yet to live.

Sadly, I am still measuring my level of success in terms of monetary comforts.  Although my comforts have changed, it is still depressing on a spiritual level, that I continue to measure my level of success on what is in my bank account. While it is depressing, it is also a fact of life on Earth, and until I reach that level of not having to worry about paying rent or buying food, I will, unfortunately, continue to measure my success in this way.  I’m not proud of this, but at the same time this motivation does give me some momentum, some impetus to keep going, a reason to try and achieve something.  A reason to live.

But shouldn’t this be a time for spiritual awareness?  Spiritual achievements?  When the career and parenting issues step aside and we go deeper into the meaning of our existence? Although I am working, and I will always be a parent, my focus on both have evolved into new ways of being.  I no longer care about a “career” in an office – I am just working, well for the money, but also because I can. Think about that!  All our lives we can’t wait to quit working, but I find myself being proud of the fact that I can still work.  I’m not as great and on top of things as I once was, but I can sure hold my own.  I am proud of that. And believe me, I don’t want to advance! Once I start getting more and more responsibility I will call that temp service and BEG for a receptionist job.

Parenting, at this level in life, takes on a whole new meaning.  I look forward to the days when I’m asked to dinner or to dog sit, but I also appreciate that they have their own lives to live and well now mom is just a nice person to visit with.

So these two areas of my life, although still part of me, also no longer define me.  And that’s where I’m at. I’m not sure what defines me, so this should be my spiritual exploration time, shouldn’t it? But since I’m still doing some work outside of this apartment, I am going to have to try and incorporate working and discovering my new meaning of life, blending a deeper spiritual value, while balancing a spreadsheet, knowing full well when I get that call to dog sit everything else, and I mean EVERYTHING else takes a back seat.  Grandpups come first!

I would like to eventually join my co-retirees in pursuits of travel and am starting to long for those days, but until I am able to join them I will consider these days as ones of self-discovery, answering the bigger questions of “why are we here?” “why am I here?” And does it have anything to do with typing, spreadsheets or answering phones?

Xoxox

Namaste

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Exercising the writing muscle

I recently decided to commit to trying to write on a consistent basis. So whether I grab a notebook and write something (usually complain) or just type nonsense I would do that. I wouldn’t try and post a blog everyday like the old finally florida blog but if I could just start again, well maybe some new/fresh idea would pop into my head and I could start having fun again. Because that is what writing is for me, essentially, at least when I’m in the flow. It’s fun. When I’m not in the flow it’s tedious and stupid at best and well that’s when I don’t do it at all. Well anyway, I’m trying to be purposeful about it and have fun and so that’s that.

And here it is Friday and part of my practice was to try and post something on Fridays, just because if I practice producing something worth reading then maybe that’ll help get those juices flowing as well. And here’s the conundrum,

it’s Friday

I got nuthin

I mean I could go on about the week. It was pretty good. I had a dragonfly fly in my window yesterday. And he/she just laid there until the rain was over. And I thought “I wonder if this is good luck” and so I Googled it and sure enough dragonflies are all kinds of good luck and so lucky me that I didn’t smash him. (I’m not really a bug smasher. I even saved a fly today, and I hate flies) Actually when I noticed him moving around again I noticed his wing was for some reason stuck to the wall. So I freed him and out he went. Doesn’t that sound like I should be having all this good luck now? Dragonfly sightings (according to Google) mean a transformation is at hand. And the fact that I unstuck my dragonfly, well, doesn’t that just sound hopeful? And maybe I’m in for some sort of transformation after I become unstuck.

I have a good imagination.

I read this book called Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. She also wrote Eat Pray Love. For anyone interested in writing it’s pretty perfect. Anyway, she says that ideas and characters sort of float around in the ethos and wait for someone to grab on to them and put them on paper. Isn’t that a crazy thought? I like it.

Maybe if I just ramble on enough some character, wanting to be written about, is going to pick me! Choose me!!

I think there are all kinds of possibilities out there in the world. Being of a certain age kinda shows you that life can change in an instant. We all know horrible things can happen in an instant, accidents, deaths, disease. BUT I believe good things can happen too. Ideas can spring forth, inspiration can come and all the sudden you are writing a book, and having fun, and laughing at the stupid things you are putting down on paper, even if you’re the only one laughing. It’s still fun.

And well that’s all I got for this Friday.

xoxoxo

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Day two: Write a list

Finish packing
Figure out what to wear tomorrow and what to wear on my return
Decide if I’m going to set off a bug bomb before I leave
Do the dishes
Take out the garbage
finish packing
Do the dishes
pay rent in the morning
pick up prescription
don’t worry about that tire light that comes on in the car. You’ve checked the pressure, Tire store checked the pressure -you’re good – don’t panic – just drive
don’t be sad about not blogging for 8 days when you just got back in the swing
really think about that bloody bug bomb
practice talking in British slang for when you move to the English countryside
quit blogging and go pack
quit scratching at the bug bites
get the bug bombs out from under the sink
after the dishes
decide in the morning if it’s worth putting all the crap away to bug bomb
remember you got about an hour sleep last night and go pack so you can go to sleep tonight
brag about checking in to Southwest an hour and a half late and STILL getting B section
empty the garbage… in the morning
then set off a bug bomb
don’t think about coming back to a mess in 8 days
think about how much fun you’re going to have with your family and friends
think about how kinda cool it is that you are going to miss your little place too. That’s a sticker day for sure
seriously turn this computer off
now
and finishing packing
practice Italian for when you realize how cold it is on the English coast and decide to move to Italy
Ciao

 

 

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I write because..

I know I’ve mentioned Amy on here before.  She is my blogging friend.  I consider her a good friend although we have never met, and probably never will meet. Well who knows maybe we will someday.  Anyway the other day I mentioned that she had quit blogging and then the next day she started blogging again.  YAY for me!  Not to embarrass her or anything but she has been so inspirational or just entertaining to me in many ways.  I’ve talked about her “whoo” advice.  She’s the one that posted about the moon phases, she’s given me advice on my Vision board, and she is the one that inspired me to buy the book The Artists Way which of course I never followed through with doing the exercises.  She is also a reason that I don’t quit blogging.  Although other people have thousands of followers and I have 20 I have had one or two mention they like reading my ramblings. And you know what? I believe them.  I believe them because I know how much I like reading other people’s blurbs.  I can’t explain it either.  Can you?  I think people initially falsely think that when you blog you are sharing your very private moment-by-moment feelings. We all know what I mostly write about is nonsense. While I do tend to share some really deep feelings it’s not like they’re secrets.  Sure most people keep that stuff close to the vest as they say, and maybe rightly so in some cases, and believe me there is a lot that I don’t share…believe it or not… which is actually evidenced with the way Finally Florida ended catching everyone by surprise, mostly everyone, well not Diane anyway…ANYWAY, blogging and writing for me is not only therapeutic for me, it’s connecting.  I have often made comments about not making friends or not wanting new friends and sometimes I even think I mean it, but we all know I’m full of shit because what I do want and crave is connections.  That is why I spend a lot of time on the phone. That is why I started the blog to begin with – to keep me connected to my homies when I moved away. I need to stay connected with those friends, even if I’m not meeting them at Pizza Roma every week – or attending Fireball Fridays – or floating in their pools – or having lunch with the committee –  I still need to connect – and writing connects me.  It connects me with people I don’t even know. It connects me in ways I don’t expect, but then learn about when I get a comment, and it connects me with myself.  Just like the way I blurted out, as I was writing, about Trump being good for the country (you really have to read it in context here) I did not expect that to come out of my head and so sometimes when I write I am learning things about myself as well.  Most of the time when I sit down to write I have an idea but I don’t know exactly what is going to come out of my head.  And then it just starts coming and I just keep writing and when I’m done I think “hey, that’s kinda good.” and then I publish it and I feel like I’ve done something fun and good.  It’s truly an exercise.

I write because it’s connecting.  I write because it’s therapeutic.  I write because Ja Nel likes it when I write (although I haven’t heard from her in awhile) and well I guess as long as one person likes reading what I write, as I’ve liked reading what Amy writes, then why not keep it up?  But really the main reason I write is because “I” like it.  I like when I put myself out there and someone thanks me for making them feel something in themselves and I like when I get a comment that people haven’t forgotten me and/or care about what I’m doing (and not doing) I get satisfaction by hitting that “publish” button and putting my thought for the day out there in the ethers and knowing that people literally all over the world might be reading it and laughing or crying or thinking I’m nuts, but whatever they’re, thinking they’re thinking about it because “I” wrote it and well that’s kinda cool.

Thanks Amy for inspiring me to write this today!!  Here’s her blog if you’d like to be inspired by her too: Snapshots, Snippets and Scribbles

xoxo

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