Author: Lynn Monahan

I sent out five more queries today to agents to try to get someone to represent me as a writer  I’m up to about 40 total now, maybe like 43. Only 160 more to go before real discouragement sets in. There is so much out there on the internet with tips about querying, writing the perfect pitch letter, blah blah blah.  It’s dizzying. One blog post I read by an agent said they had over 2700 queries in their inbox. Can you imagine!  2700!! I mean seriously I can’t even imagine where you would start.  It’s probably eenee-meenie… Similarly when looking for an agent there are so many out there.  There are lists to help you find one and I realize that almost all of my queries have been sent to company’s A-C.  I haven’t even gotten to the middle of the alphabet yet.  I think I might start with Z next go around. I really have to be in the mood to send them out.  It’s not like you just write a blanket query.  Although I wonder if maybe I spend tooo much time thinking about it. Between researching the company and then researching the agent and then submitting to their specifications well I’m exhausted.  I mean it’s possible to get an agent that never does anything for you, you know? So I worry about that too.  Getting that interest is just a first step…There are so many more steps to go through.  But first I have to get my foot in the door!  It’s so much like temping.  I have such a hard time getting a job based on interviewing but when I temp I’m hired in a week.  Maybe it’s the same thing with my writing, I just need someone to read it.

I want to start another blog adventure. I saw on Facebook some travel immersion type experience where you go live in a city for 6 weeks and immerse yourself in the culture.  So that’s what I want to do.  6 weeks in Paris, 6 weeks in Spain and 6 weeks in Italy.  Sounds a little like Eat Pray Love doesn’t it?  But you know my voice is different. So someone has to finance my first book so I can write this second book, in Europe.  This is my new living in my head idea. I gotta make one of those vision boards.

One of the questions I get really stuck on when writing these query letters is when asked to include an autobiography.  A short autobiography.  What is it do you think they want to know? Do they want to know about my kids?  My mom? My siblings?  How about the babies?  Do they want to know where I went to college?  Where I dropped out of as well as finished?  Or all my office jobs?  My meeting planning life?  Do they maybe want to know about the blog 5 people read?  Probably that, but if I include that I have a blog they want to see you have 10,000 followers minimum.  I mean I’m just not that kind of blogger.  I have 20 friends ya know?  Maybe they want and should know about my friends because realistically they are who have gotten me through life and the whole reason I started the blog in the first place which made me chase this dream of being a writer.  There was also a question to summarize my book in one sentence.  These are so “Julia” (my boss) type questions.  Remember when I said they ask people for a 6 word story.  Sometimes those 6 words are fun, but seriously it’s just an exercise to drive the rest of us crazy.  I looked through my book and came up with this one sentence: I don’t have one regret, I would not have done anything differently.  

It’s frustrating when you hear people use JK Rowling’s as an example of getting turned down in the literary world. She was only turned down by 13 publishers. That’s nothing.  James Patterson was turned down by 70.  My friend Aimee went to self-publishing after 70.  Chicken soup for the soul series I’ve heard 200 rejections but who knows if that’s true. I truly believe it’s right place, right time with everything at least in my life.  I mean you must have a base but with jobs and men it’s no doubt right-place-right-time for me. My time is tomorrow.  I will start packing for Seville (Spain) and pack that extra toothbrush for my new man, who will forget his and be happy that I remembered to pack an extra which I will tell him while we’re sitting in the first class seats on our flight.  I’ve got his back for the little things.  I’m a good girlfriend from what I remember.

xoxoxox

There is an episode of Grace and Frankie where they are trying to buy a pack of cigarettes and getting totally ignored by the store clerk.  It’s hilarious but also a little sad, and until my recent travel experience I thought it was clearly an exaggeration.  So, last Friday night I was checking into my flight to come up to Pittsburgh.  I was traveling on Southwest so why not check a bag right?  I mean it’s free.  So I checked into the little kiosk there, got my luggage tag, tagged my bag, and waited for the next agent.  As I started to approach the open agent some “kid” whizzed by from out of nowhere on my right and went up to the counter.  Her mom, a few steps behind her said “did she just cut in front of you?” to which I said “yes” and they continued to check their bags in front of me. Her mom must have told her as she looked back at me mortified, apparently confirming that she did not see me.  After they finished someone else cut in front of me that was to my left. As yet a third person started to cut I said “come on” and the baggage guy finally took me next.  Even he said “I didn’t see you” – I mean I was standing RIGHT THERE.  RIGHT there.  To make matters worse on the return flight the same thing happened.  I checked my bag waited for the open agent and as they became open I started forward and then a family of three just ran in front of me up to the agent.  WTF.  Seriously, WTF.  This family did not apologize like the last mom did. This time it was the daughter that looked back at me slightly embarrassed. Aholes.

My flight to Pittsburgh which was last Friday night (one week ago) was delayed which wasn’t bad as it enabled me to see all of a play that Marissa choreographed before I had to get to the airport. (She did such a good job) So it was okay. But I landed at 2 am – getting to my sisters at 3 am. Long day.  It was 85 degrees when I left Florida (again last week we’re talking) and when I landed it was 29 degrees and the rampway off the plane was icy.  I was freezing.

Returning  to Florida last night was okay (and had finally warmed up) – got to the airport 4 hours early but I didn’t mind.  It was nice to have a few minutes/hours to myself to just collect my thoughts and check emails. Other than the now familiar being ignored at the baggage counter I took my time getting to my gate – A3, clearly marked on my boarding pass, which I printed this time as my phone dies just because…seriously just because.  (Jumping ahead in my story I had turned my phone off when I got on the plane to come back here with 65% battery.  Turned it back on to send “I’ve landed” texts.  Sent two texts and boom 1%.)  But back to the travel blog…while I was walking across the hall (still in Pittsburgh) to find a quiet place to plug the phone in and make some calls I saw Mr. Maloney from Federated.  I temped for Mr. Maloney for one week back in 1999 and he told me he would find me a job anywhere I wanted at Federated.  I picked meeting planning part-time.  He was a bit disappointed and suggested something else but I wanted part-time meeting planning.  We’ve talked before about wrong choices haven’t we? (although that really was the perfect choice for me at the time) Anyway there was Mr. Maloney.  I actually thought he was probably dead.  He is not.  So I stopped and reintroduced myself sincerely happy to see him alive.  Of course he doesn’t remember me but was totally kind.  He told me he still works there, something like 45 years now, travels between homes in Pittsburgh and Chesapeake.  I told him I was in Florida now, always hoping to get back to the west coast, so he added that they have a house in Marco Island too.  I decided that was enough out of him.  House here, house there, whatever.  And went across the hall to make my phone calls.  Ole’ Mr. Maloney.  I think his secretary did tell me once that he’s probably around the same age as I am.  But I was weirdly happy to see him.

Boarding was at 7:00 pm and I noticed they started lining up.  I went to the bathroom one last time where I heard boarding at A3 come immediately – I’m like again, WTF, so run out of there and well they are still lining up.  What’s the hurry?  I had forgotten to check in the day before so was way back at B52 – and they were just lining up the B’s.  Ya know?  Again, what’s the hurry? So I sat back down around the place I should be standing.  So on they were going and she said ‘boarding now blah blah Phoenix” –  I look at the guy beside me and said “did she just say Phoenix?”  She sure did, although he was kinda cute and said I could still come to Phoenix with him  but once more I was like …fuuuuuuccckkk…  I’d been sitting there 2+ hours watching the wrong gate. I haven’t told my kids this one.  I even scared myself.  Luckily my gate was A7 (very close by)  CLEARLY marked on the boarding pass.  Where did I get A3?  I look at that boarding pass over and over wondering how I got that mixed up.  I was never able to figure it out but did manage to get in line for the right flight, boarded, got a nice aisle seat up front and landed in Orlando, not Phoenix.  Thank god.

And that’s the end of my travel blog.

I’m back in Florida, back at work today, back at cooking/burning my dinner of eggplant moussaka. I was home in Pittsburgh this past week celebrating the end of an era, or as better known in our society as a funeral.  There really wasn’t any celebrating at all.  It was very sad. Giving all of us pause as our parents (not my mom yet) are dying at dizzying speed.  I mean it is the right time for this to be going on but the longer they live the more memories are made the harder it is.  Probably easier that my dad died when I was 26.  I’ve lived more years without him than with.  Ya know?  But when a parent dies and we’re pushing 60, well that’s a lot of time to have had a person in your life.  Even as our parents say they are ready to go and we might feel like it’s time well I don’t think we’re really ever ready.  Jimmy’s (my son) Nunni (his grandma) died last week. That’s why I went up.  He said he has two frozen containers of her pasta sauce in the freezer.  She cooked pasta every Sunday.  Actually I thought he would have had more that that in the freezer.  I wonder if he will ever eat the last two.  I don’t think I could do it.  I’d rather keep them in there and just look at them forever.  I have a really hard time with the passage of time these days.  It’s happening too fast.  I have some really good years ahead of me (I hope) but I think I’m doing that thing they always talk about that comes about later in life..confronting my own mortality. I always thought that would happen when I was like 80.  Didn’t expect to be doing that now.

Oh well, time marches on.  I don’t want to think or blog about it anymore because I can get really dark.

So tonight I’m going to eat my Moussaka thing (it’s a healthy Purple Carrot tofu thing)..watch some TV, think about the massage/facial that I have scheduled for tomorrow with the gift certificate I got from work.  Did I mention that?  I got a really really nice gift certificate for my work year anniversary.  I mean really nice.  We got Julia an umbrella from the book store last year for her anniversary. They made a really big deal of mine.  I’m not sure why I’m so special but if I could be sure to get one of these every year well it just might help a little.  It was such a surprise.

Jimmy’s 27th birthday is today.  He’s really grown from this cute kid to a handsome and very nice young man. He’s had a lot of love in his life.  Kinda really happy about that.

xoxoxo

Just when I was wondering if I’d ever get the urge to write a blog again I got nudged. I’m not going to mention any names but needless to say I was happy to know that someone cares. I’m told it’s been 25 days since my last blog.  So let’s see if I have anything to say…

It’s actually one week shy of being here in DeLand for a year.  One year.  Since writing that sentence I got distracted for 20 minutes watching TV. So does that mean things haven’t changed?  Actually I have kept the TV off for quite a while and that’s been going well but tonight it’s Sunday night and that’s what Sunday nights have always been about. Right?  It started with the Wonderful World of Disney way back in the day.

Ok so one year. I’m still in the same little place.  There was a little adorable house that I was almost going to move to. I mentioned it in one of my last blogs.  I alluded to it… anyway,, It was the thing that happened…well when I was at my moms in February I told her that I had decided to sign another year’s lease and the day I got home here I found out about this house coming available.  It is an adorable 2 bedroom house with a working fireplace, a screened in front porch, heat!! And central air with windows that open, a bathtub, a real kitchen, a dishwasher, a utility room with washer and dryer, a garage and a little fenced in yard with a clothes line.  Everything I could ever want (well except for the pool) – and it was practically on campus.  And I could afford the rent.  I know right?  What’s not to love.  I was “in” …until I wasn’t.  On the day I met the landlord (who was absolutely lovely) some internal switch flipped and stayed flipped and I couldn’t bring myself to commit.  In the end I passed on it.  I just don’t think I’m ready to settle in yet.  I mean maybe while I’m “stuff” free, well maybe I’ll end up in Europe for a couple of years.  Ya know? I just don’t think this is my final stop.  And I’m not ready to buy a new couch.  There’s a friend at work who is going through the same couch angst that I did all those years ago.  I feel her pain. I’m not ready.  But I’m also not signing another year’s lease..unless pressured into it as I can go month-to-month now.  I met my neighbor upstairs and that’s what she’s doing too. I even had that new friend/neighbor over one evening and made her dinner!  And then a little girl across the street – little like 16 – showed up at my doorstep with a bag of donuts and wanted to introduce herself and brought me donuts because she works at Dunkin Donuts.  So it took a year but I’m meeting a couple of people.  I feel pretty comfortable here in my little cocoon.  And I was even able to entertain Jimmy who visited a couple of weeks ago.

So Jimmy came down on the Thursday night Allegiant flight – I got a single blowup bed that is so comfortable – and I ended up sleeping in because he’s too big for it – and we had a slumber party!

The next day we went to Disney’s Animal Kingdom and stayed overnight at Disney’s Dolphin and then Saturday we went to Universal and saw Marissa.  Remember My Marissa?  She’s the best.  We went to lunch and she knew to order me tea, made sure I had my sunglasses when we left and it was so nice to have my caretaker back.  I forgot how nice it was for people to care about me and look after me.  It’s the little things. I still and always love her!  Anyway, I was exhausted after a long long day of riding rollercoasters and things that go upside down and spin around, ending with a parade and concert.  I was a trooper.  We drove back to my place late Saturday night and he flew out at 6 am on Sunday morning. I slept for like 24 hours after he left.  It was a whirlwind but oh so so fun.

I was so happy to do something Disney after living here for almost 4 years.  I almost bought a resident pass but since I’ve only gone once in 4 years I figured I better wait.  But a visit from a son was like heaven.  I love the Allegiant Thursday night/Sunday option but I haven’t been using it lately. It’s way too cold up there. It’s actually been “cold” here in Florida too – although not the same I know but it’s Florida and it’s not supposed to be this cold, especially at the end of March.  Next week though highs are back to 87!  That’s hot, but that’s what it should be here!

I’ve been going to the beach most weekends (when it’s not freezing) and now I have this routine where I roll out of bed relatively early – brush my teeth and out I go – I  get in the car, make a right and don’t stop until I get to the beach. It’s about a 30-40 minute drive.  I am looking for different beaches as I can’t stand the crowded car beaches.  I mean really it’s hard to hate a beach so I don’t want to say I hate it but I prefer a nice quiet beach with no cars on it.  And thanks to my new friend Kathy she suggested Bethune Beach this past weekend. The only trouble with this beach is it’s not a good beach for walking.

These are my problems these days, trying to find the perfect spot to waste a Saturday, read a book and find peace and quiet.  And then on the way home I have stopped to eat at the same place, Yellow Dog Eats,  as it has been my goal to try everything on the menu.  Everything is so good. Until yesterday when the bread was stale.  So maybe that’s it for the sandwiches and I’ll go back to my salad.  Anyway, it’s nice to have a little routine.  But I might branch out a bit and try another restaurant soon.

It’s hard to believe I left Pittsburgh almost 4 years ago.   And as miserable as I might be, although I am not saying that I am, but if I was saying that, this weather, the beach option, the blue sky, it really does make a difference.  I used to say if I’m going to hate my job I might as well hate it in Florida.  And well I’m just saying the weather does make difference in my overall outlook. Sue used to ask me if I was pinching myself when I first moved here way back then.  Now that I have time to think about it I do find myself, at times, not believing I’m here.  It’s truly pinch-worthy. And I mean here in Florida.  Not here in DeLand. But I’m here, working in Florida.  It’s something.  Right now I just work and live in Florida.  The next step will be to add more into the mix, like back to volunteering, hobbies, dating, ya know, more…and I’m ready and waiting….… patiently.

Not particularly inspiring words but you are all caught up.

Xoxox

I have been very successful at keeping that TV off.  It’s been the easiest thing so far in my life to give up, at least cut back on.  I haven’t been writing as I had hoped (until this moment) but I have been editing.  I remember my brother telling me one time about how as a musician, writer of music, you get so sick of your own songs from playing them over and over. Well..I get that now.  I am editing my book which is me reading and re-reading my Finally Florida blog.  When I first put it together I would always cry while reading it…now it’s like “this is ridiculous, who is going to read this?” But, I will persevere. Zachary told me to read my things out loud.  I admit I find myself thinking I’m reading out loud but I’m not. I’ll try harder as it is really helpful to do as an editor/proofreader kind of thing. A friend at work wants to read my book.  She’s not the first person to ask.  A lot of people ask.  But I get very nervous about that. I don’t mind getting turned down by publishers but getting the rolled-eye review from a friend is scary.  It’s a very vulnerable position. You always read in the acknowledgements sections in the back of books all the thanks to friends by the author for reading their work.  Maybe it’s time I take up these friends offers and drag in some helpers. I’ll let her read 30 pages and see how it goes. 30 pages is all that the agents want to see..and that’s only a few of them..most of them only want 5 or 10 pages.  I’m like come on!!  I read the other day that James Patterson (writer of 60+ books) was turned down by 70 publishers. I’m not even up to 50 submissions yet.  I have a ways to go. Researching agents and publishers is a lot of work.  For now I feel like I need to edit…again.

Diary’s (and my Finally Florida blog) are a really cool way to transport you back in time. Photo albums try to do the same thing but there is nothing like a diary, it captures so much more. When I re-read something I wrote, not only do I remember the time I remember the feeling. And if you have a picture to go along (like I do on the blog) well it’s the whole package.  Mrs. Williams will pull out her journals every once in a while and remind me of sleep overs at her house when I was 12. What a great memory tool to have.

I’ve come a long way.  Rereading while editing and being transported back in time, well I don’t cry..at all.. It seems like such a long time ago.  And with the exception of my last diary-style blog I have come a long way since reporting on my dinner menus and errands!!   I can’t wait until my next adventure to blog about – my next book.  I wonder what it’ll be about. It feels close.

xoxoxox

I am hopelessly addicted to my shows on TV.  I hate this about myself at the moment.  I mean not this immediate moment, but I’ve been realizing that I’ve got to get away from it somehow.  My routine is work, home and as soon as I walk in the door I turn on the TV and I sit there until bed – well I make dinner with the TV on and THEN I sit there and watch it until bed. It’s bad! It’s really bad. Plus there’s nothing on – so I switch over to Netflix and the like and look for something on that…and well that’s even worse because then you just start binging because that’s a thing.  Binging.  Recently Jimmy got Hulu for me…so I had to check it out and on there I’m watching Deception, wait maybe it’s Perception. Yes Perception.I think.  Turns out it was a regular channel tv show for a while – I have 3 seasons to watch.  Then over to Starz where I started watching American Gods after I finished the book.  It’s good, weird but good and thank god I read the book, which was great (and weird) or I’d have no idea what it’s even about, plus the music/soundtrack is so bizarre I sometimes think I shouldn’t watch it before bed.  So I switched over to Counterpart also on Starz.  Last night I watched until 12:30 a.m. – then I did the dishes before going to bed because I’m wide awake from these shows. See what I mean?  A terrible downward spiral into TV land.  I have a couple of friends who are afraid of retiring because they think they’ll become slugs and just lay on the couch and watch TV (you know who you are) and of course I’ve always thought I’m above that as I have so many interests, my hospice work, my writing, a yoga class here and there and so where have I been every night of every day?  In the chair in front of the TV.  I don’t volunteer, I don’t go for walks – I go to yoga ONE night a week and every other moment?…in front of that dam TV. So tonight I said NO!  Do not turn on that TV…yet.  Write something dammit (while sitting in said chair.)  And well here I am, writing.  I had to get through my phone calls first.  I am on the phone a lot these days. It’s good to catch up and stay connected. But seriously how will I ever be a writer if I don’t write? And I am a writer! (right?) I’ve decided that I need to take this opportunity to write the nonsense, to practice the craft and when that story comes into my mind I’ll be ready.  But if I keep that TV on I’ll never be ready.

Okay well that’s the preamble. That got me to 7:49. I got home about 6 pm – I made dinner, cauliflower and chickpea somethings from Purple Carrot – already cleaned up from it, talked to Jimmy and my brother and well almost two hours with the TV off and I’ve written something.  But seriously I’m twitching a little.

How about an update (remember those?) I think things are moving forward and/or I’m settling in here in DeLand.  It seems contradictory, either you’re moving on or settling in, but in my case perhaps they are both happening simultaneously.  I have a couple of friends now – I know right?  We’ve been having lunch and going to yoga and well it’s fun to have new friends and all.  Oh this is kinda big, I’ve put my foot down at work and said “enough” – then of course I am very quick to say I’m not quitting and I love my job but seriously it is impossible for me to do it.  And I’ve been using my big words like “sustainable” and “turnover costs” and “cost-effective innovative solutions” and “strategic planning” and you know…like a grown up.  But seriously I’m going to burn out here and then there will be turnover and if I can’t do it then nobody can do it.  I think the burning out during the day has an awful lot to do with the chair sitting/TV watching vortex.  I feel pretty good about sticking up for myself – although I vacillate a lot between feeling “proud” for advocating for myself and feeling like a “baby” for saying something and feeling like a “failure” for not being able to do it all, but I think I’m going to stick with words like “proud” and “advocate” and “sustaining”…without whining. It’s my job as project manager to make sure the Center is staffed correctly isn’t it? Of course nothing will happen and I’ll continue to do it but still..baby steps.

In other great news, it’s back to beach weather and since I’m not yet “in” the ocean I’ve been heading over to New Smyrna Beach.  I have mixed emotions.  There’s an adorable couple neighborhoods where I’ve been parking and at certain times of the day the surf is up to the steps and the beach is deserted. This is my kind of beach:

On Saturday it looked like this.  I shit you not this is the same place:

I mean I don’t get it.  I don’t understand the tides enough to know if it’s tide related, storm related or what the heck happens between the first group of pictures and the second.  It turns into an actual parking lot with cars on the beach and miles and miles of wide surf and you have to be careful not to get hit by a car while walking ON the beach.  But for now this is my beach. Once swimming season starts I have to pick a different location to avoid the “most shark bites capital in the WORLD” beach.  My beach routine consists of either Saturday or Sunday (I still have errands I need a day for)  I just jump in the car – head over – park, walk, sit, read or catch up on phone calls, then stop at this little restaurant before heading home.  I’ve decided I’m going to try everything on their menu before I change locations and move to my summer beach where the sharks don’t bite..as often…which will probably be back over to Stephanie’s and Pass-a-grille beach.

And let’s see do I have anything else to share?  Tomorrow night is a vigil in our town for the high school shooting victims.  It’s also laundry night AND I finally met a neighbor, after a year. Good news/bad news, she sells some product, Arbonne, which she’s going to drop off tomorrow night. I think I’ll put in a load of laundry, see if she wants to walk into the town with me while it’s washing and do a little vigil or protesting or whatever it is going to be before running back home to put the load in the dryer and trying some new face cream.  Perhaps tomorrow night will be another night without TV until at least the laundry is done.  Look at how cured I am already.  As I sit here looking at the clock wondering if it’s been long enough… wondering how many shows I can get in before going to bed, where I am reading Origins by Dan Brown.  So here’s a dilemma.  If I read in the daytime I always fall asleep.  When I read at night it keeps me up.

I see I have a lot of writing practice to do before I’m ready for book #2.  Perhaps, perhaps, I will drag you all down along with me while I practice.

xoxoxo

I was thinking of making the title of today’s blog Friday Blogday…doesn’t quite roll off the tongue like Fireball Friday does it? I imagine not as much fun either. I’m also trying to write this while watching the news which is impossible as I’m unable to focus on either thing.  However, that said I am very sad for the highschoolers in my state who were/are victims of the latest shooting.  In case you’re wondering, that school is not near me.  About 3+ hours south.  Tragic no matter where you live. And now I’ll just turn the TV off because the remote stopped working.

I’ve made some decisions in my life, believe it or not, throughout the years.  What’s notable in this case for this blog/story is there are, at certain times in my life, when I feel “torn” over which way to go.  Finally I will get to a point where I take a stand and decide “I’m going this way” – I finally make a decision.  And then without a doubt I am presented with the exact opposite of what I have just decided.  I mean like within days, sometimes minutes of making my decision.  So for instance going back to when I sold my house in Fair Oaks, after a year on the market and not selling I decided that at the end of my realtor agreement which was going to expire in a week or so, I decided that I would take it off the market, it wasn’t selling and I didn’t have to move. Literally with days left on the agreement my house sold. We had to renew the agreement to finalize the sale it was that close.  And the offer was so high it would have been financially stupid not to accept it.  But in my mind/heart I had changed my mind and was going to stay.  Ya know?  It’s like a “what just happened?” feeling.  When I was living in Virginia with mom last year I had just come to terms with and actually was feeling settled and happy with staying in the area and becoming a Virginian.  I had finally let go of the idea of moving back to Florida.  Within days, if not minutes of making that decision, I got the call for the interview for the job back in Florida, months after I had originally applied. My life is just crazy like that. It’s like my gods are effin with me. I’m not gonna lie, in the past it has really thrown me when this happens, but now I’m learning to laugh. I sometimes wonder why I even bother making a decision at all. I have come to accept without a doubt that I have a fate or destiny those gods have in mind for me.  It’s like god lets me try and make the right decision, seriously never gives me a heads up, just waits until I make the decision and then he/she’s like “nope…eh…wrong., you screwed this up …here do this..”  Of course with free will and all I could have always said “no” on the house sale. I could have said no to moving to DeLand and stayed in Virginia. I still had the choices. But since they weren’t “my” choices I knew they had to be the right ones. Ha!  I’m thinking about this (and sharing) because I recently made a couple of decisions that I’ve vacillated internally about for about a year and within 2 days of being settled on my decision at least one of them is teetering on not happening. It’s laughable. It really is. I can’t tell you of course because it’s still up in the air.  But aren’t you curious now?  Perhaps something to look forward to in the next blogs to come?

In the meantime here are some things I’ve been thinking about (without decision making).  Perhaps you have thought about these things too:

Why do short work weeks (4 days instead of 5) seem longer?

Why does the workday seem to last longer when you take a lunch break, as opposed to eating at your desk and powering through without one?

Did Cavemen and First men (GOT reference) have a sense of humor?  Did they have sarcasm?  Did they roll their eyes at something stupid?

Why do we hear more references to Atlantis than Lemuria?  Why do people discredit anything these days? Has history and Ancient Aliens taught us nothing?

Why is my lip disappearing?  Like where is it going? What was god’s plan with that? What exactly is this cosmetically disagreeable aging thing about?

On the other hand, how is it possible to look as good as Jane Fonda at 80 years old? Is there really something to exercise?

How can you simultaneously look better with a tan, but older with too much tanning? Why do I now look older without a tan?

Why are freckles cute when we’re young but ugly age spots when we’re old(er)?

Why do people with curly hair want straight hair and visa versa?

Why do I love sleeping in, but hate going to bed early? I love mornings, why can’t I change?

Why are there so many calories in Hershey kisses?

How do Gluten free cookies stay together without flour?  Are they less fattening?

If poor people or the less than 1% didn’t care about money, prestige and power; would the powerful lose interest?  If there was no one to impress or laud power over would that whole thing just go away? Would the have and have-nots stop being a thing?

Do you think if enough people decided “times up” in the work place it would spill over into other duties as assigned?  Why bother having a job description at all and then adding that? Why not say, “sit here and do what everyone asks you to do.”

How did hospitals/health care become these huge conglomerates in such a short time, since Dr. Selkovitz who still did house calls when my dad was sick? What’s going to be the next thing like that?

Where did all the Mayans go?  Why do we call them primitive people when clearly they were more advanced than we are?

Why do sprains take longer to heal than broken bones?

What do you think will be the next big thing since computers? Will anything surprise us anymore? Horses to cars – radios to TV’s – airplanes to rockets – then computers and cell phones – things previous generations could never have imagined.  Think about how even the simplest things like photos have evolved. Did anyone ever say back in the day “I bet one day you can take a picture with your phone and post it on something called the internet for the world to see in seconds.”  So many changes in our own lifetime. What is it we aren’t imagining that will happen next?  Isn’t it exciting to think about?

If I bought a pair of pants at Goodwill to wear on the beach, and then wear them to work, are they now considered work clothes so I shouldn’t wear them to walk on the beach?

Does anybody else see this cable cutting and extra channel thing becoming the same thing?  Pretty soon all the fees for Netflix, HBO, Hulu, Starz, Amazon Prime are going to equal the same amount as paying for cable TV.  It’s not like antenna TV. You still gotta pay for the internet too.

If being on your cellphone is dangerous on an airplane, why do some airlines offer free or paid wi-fi?  Is it less dangerous when you have to pay them for it?

And last but not least, why do I love to read a book and can think about doing at least 10 other things but will invariably choose to sit on this chair and watch TV?

xoxoxo

Everyone knows how much I love Florida.  But do you know I also love trees?  While Weeping Willows have traditionally been my favorite the Spanish moss and sprawling oak tree is also very much in my heart.  I wrote in my diary, when I was 10, during an overnight stay in South Carolina, about how beautiful it was – I actually remember the trees over the lake when I was writing in that diary were the reason I thought it was so beautiful. Those huge oaks with the Spanish moss and living in the south is deep in my soul.  But that said, trees and warm weather aside,  I have been starting to think about moving back to Pittsburgh.  Not like looking for a job and packing it in yet but the thought crosses my mind every so often.  There’s no doubt I miss my kids, my friends and those darn babies. Visiting usually takes care of those home-sick pangs but sometimes it just seems like maybe it’s time to start thinking about going back. When I get thoughts like that what I like to do is keep going with it and see where it goes. Like when I was interviewing for this job here in DeLand it just kept coming together ya know?  So I just put those Pittsburgh thoughts back there in my head and decided to carry on with my life and see where it goes. If it’s meant to be I’ll get signs, I’ll get a job offer, something will happen. I don’t hate DeLand – I don’t hate anything – I just don’t love it here so I keep wondering if maybe I’m not supposed to be here. Shouldn’t I be loving it by now? Shouldn’t something be happening to ingratiate me?

Lori, a friend from Pittsburgh is visiting in the area and suggested we meet today in Mount Dora for an Arts Festival.  I have heard lovely things about Mount Dora but have never ventured over that way.  It’s in the middle of the state.  I never want to go further away from the beach if I don’t have to. Mount Dora is 45 minutes inland. So anyway,  now with a reason to go, friends to see and a day to look forward to I drove on over. Parked in someone’s yard for $10 and proceeded to walk into the biggest arts festival I have ever been to. Well maybe not ever…but still it was fabulous with really great art.  Lori and her friend and I met for lunch, delicious food, great restaurant overlooking the water (lake) and afterwards we proceeded to walk around.  After Lori and her friend left me I decided to stay and look a little longer for that special something. I wanted to buy something, a memento, something new. Initially I thought I’d buy a piece of beachy type art for this blank wall in my apartment. I’ve been looking for something for that spot for 9 months now. At one time I wanted an Egret there. But today I wasn’t finding anything at first, so I turned my attention to jewelry and thought maybe I’d buy myself a ring.  Then I came across a booth with photos of beautiful southern oak trees. Giant beautiful oak trees. One of the $3000 photos had this story about oak trees beside it:

Oak trees are symbols of physical and spiritual nourishment, transformation and liberation, sustenance, spiritual growth, union and fertility. The tree is a spiritual motif and framework, a map of conception and consciousness that brings together the temporal worlds of time, space and consciousness.

Okay that’s not exactly true, I don’t remember exactly what she had posted by the tree.  No photos allowed and my phone battery was dead…What she had posted was actually more beautiful than that excerpt I just copied from the internet, but that was the gist. And in that moment I knew, I knew this tree is a sign. I began the search then for an oak tree, one that I could afford, wandering up and down the streets of the arts festival. I envisioned this new artwork of a big oak tree (just one not a group) with the roots reaching down to the chair where I always sit watching TV. The roots reaching for me symbolize my search for connection with the Gods, getting my spiritual nourishment and representing my ongoing transformation into my new life all while sitting in my chair.  Perfect right?  A sign. I love clear signs like that.  Although I knew the tree symbolized my transformation and connection to spiritual growth etc., I didn’t know if maybe the tree also represented a move to Georgia, or maybe South Carolina? Like is my love of Florida and needing to live here over?  Maybe it’s a sign that the South is in my destiny just not Florida? After wandering for over an hour, and enjoying every minute of it, I knew another clear sign, there was no oak tree there for me. It was still a great day being happy with my new vision and happy to find a place in Florida that I never knew about and absolutely loved.

I stopped into Tuesday Morning, one of those bargain stores, to go the bathroom before coming home plus I thought just maybe they’d have an oak tree. You can get some really good finds in places like that, you just have to keep looking. The bathroom was out of order (not a great sign) but I still went to the wall art aisle and there it was. A picture really is worth a thousand words. Here’s what I bought:

The moral of the story.  I belong in Florida.  I’m not going anywhere. I love my Gods.

xoxoxo

I spend a lot of time here in this new life with my mouth open in speechlessness (MOS).  The most innocent of comments will at the very least give me pause.  For instance this week I’ve met a test tube baby (fully grown now) – someone who grew up homeless – although quite financially settled now – someone who had 5 step mothers growing up – I mean we’re not talking just single mother stories here.  These are scenarios that I thought only happened on TV.  Sometimes just realizing someone grew up on the beach is enough to make me wonder (in awe in a good way) what that must have been like.

There are the stories that give me pause and then there are the MOS stories – a friend in a car accident because they hit a bear.  A BEAR.  (They’re okay – more worried about the bear – but a bear – MOS) –  Someone who days after telling me about how her daughter was the only survivor of a car accident (a couple of years ago) where the other two died and one decapitated – MOS then – this week the same woman got a call at lunch that her brother died in a car accident. He was 44 years old, flipped his car on a wet road in Orlando just regular day-time driving.  It’s like heart stopping isn’t it?  Another story (a different person) who shared how their sister was murdered a few years back.  Then there’s Rosalie, my boss from the Caribbean, who loves to scare me with her stories saying people where she’s from don’t carry guns they carry machetes and will butcher you in a heart beat. She’s not kidding. I used to want to go home with her (to Antigua) but I’m changing my mind.  Someone else’s brother is a marijuana farmer – quite successful. Some of my MOS’s are fun like “no shit, that’s so cool” but I’m just amazed how sheltered my thoughts are when I hear about other people’s lives. I am not in Kansas anymore. Soooo far from it.  Even my first two years in Florida where I lived in a middle class neighborhood sitting by the pool with my pedicures and horseback riding and then at the beach ,, that wasn’t reality.  Well, it was my reality at the time but where I live now is so far from that. Every single day I am offered another opportunity to show me how sheltered I really was and how I really did live in a bubble. All these people I meet with such vast different upbringings and horribly sad experiences are great “normal” people.  I honestly don’t know what I would have expected otherwise but I’m learning something about myself.  Not sure exactly what I’m learning but I’m learning something.  I only know this because of all the MOS’s. Even the President of our University gave a welcome at one of our meetings and shared how her own child didn’t graduate from high school.  I don’t know that that piece of information would come up in a speech where I come from. Ya know? I mean MOS.

My mom had some years of her life where she lived in a shack (I’ve never seen) without a bathroom.  I  can’t imagine how she managed.  She has never acted like it was a big deal.  Just the way they lived while her father was building that beautiful log house. That was while she was in high school when kids can be their cruelest.  She did offer that some would-be boyfriend was a bit stunned when he brought her home one day after school and witnessed the shack (her home).  Similarly I was thinking about Jimmy, my youngest son, and how he never wanted to be “different” –  The fact that his parents weren’t married made him different in those days (A little more common now) but he never “felt” different that I know of.  We really were on the forefront of the baby-daddy thing. Anyway, during middle school one of his classmate’s  father died.  I’ve always remembered how he said he would never want to be that person because all the sudden you’re different than everyone else.  In addition to the tragedy over losing your father you are now forever singled out as that kid who lost their parent with kids not knowing how to act around you. The fact that he could articulate those feelings has always astounded me.  MOS.

I told Zachary that he would probably like it here in DeLand because it is the least pretentious place I’ve ever lived.  I also shared that that is probably why I don’t like it.  I don’t know where I fit in. Zachary pointed out that the experience of growing up in Sewickley is one where you are constantly navigating the social and economic constraints and how you fit (or not fit) in.  But that said – I would never want my children to live here. Central Florida is crazy and after watching the nightly news it’s no wonder I don’t leave my apartment at night.  Even when I was home in the freezing weather over this past Christmas I didn’t give it a second thought walking up to Sewickley to meet Diane at Roma’s or over to Jerry’s or Janice’s in the dark.  Not that I’m not still aware of my surroundings…but still, there is no comparison.

The bubble was a great place to grow up but it really is not how the rest of the world lives. Although admittedly there are a lot of people in the world that do live like I did in their own similar bubbles but the bubble around here is very different. Not one person has ever heard of or cares about Sewickley, commented on my weight or asks who I was friends with in high school.  I’ve come a long way from “he smokes, she smokes.”

xoxoxo

I’m starting to get the online ordering bug.  Although I still like a trip to Macy’s on occasion, I decided to try this “Stitch Fix” thing.  The idea is you answer a bunch of questions about what style of clothes you like, give them your size (your real size I assume) and they send you a box of clothes and accessories.  You then have three days to keep or return and you’re only charged for what you keep.  Kinda cool don’t you think?  Oh and then you can pick the frequency of delivery.  I decided I’d try it once a quarter.  I have a base, right? (although finding out I do NOT have a winter base any more) well assuming I have a base a nice new piece every quarter is not a bad thing.  My son Jimmy gets a box a month.  Not from this site but anyway, it’s like a thing.  Like a food box only with clothes. I was expecting my box this month.  A work friend told me she used to get a box from them but she quit because they’re too expensive.  Oh well.  Returns are free.  You only keep what you pay for.

Last night was Christmas party Bunko night.  I got my grab bag gift over the weekend, made a huge tray of deviled eggs and cranberry sauce, came home early to get my laundry done (Wednesday is laundry day don’t forget) and 10 minutes before I was to head out the door I got an email from the Stitch Fix people.  I was thinking that box was due around now so I looked at the email.  Upon clicking a bit I found that I had until today to return the items.  I’m like WHAT?  WHAT????  Upon further inspection found a Fedex tracking number that boasted the package was delivered at 11:11 on Monday the 11th.  Wouldn’t that have been a nice sign?  yea, no.  I didn’t get a box on Monday the 11th at any time.  So I immediately contacted FedEx..via chat..and they asked all the questions, “did you check with neighbors, landlord, do you know if anyone has a similiar address?”  Here’s the point of this story.  I froze. I cried. I was shaking.  I was convinced that Stitch Fix was going to drain my bank account, causing a plethora of NSF charges, one week before Christmas.  Why?  FedEx said I would get a call by the end of the night.  I contacted them twice always promised that I would hear by the end of the night.  I stayed by the phone.  I didn’t go to Bunko. I was despondent. I waited up until midnight for the FedEx call that never came.  I ended up accepting my fate deciding that it wouldn’t be the first time my kids didn’t get anything for Christmas.

Today I went to work, head hanging low, deviled eggs and cranberry sauce in tow for the office. Brenda, my fellow Bunkoette was out today. Must have been one wild Christmas party.  Dammmit.  Anyway, I called FedEx from my office, yelled a bit and sent 3 emails to Stitch Fix.  I finally told Kathy (work friend) what happened and she said “you’re just catastrophizing”  I’m like WHAT?  Feeling immediate relief I said, “is that a thing”?  Catastrophizing?  And she said Yep, it’s when you assume a situation is going to have a catastrophic outcome. No shit…I do that all the time!!  And it’s a thing?  You mean I’m not just a loser?  I have a condition?  I can’t tell you how happy this made me.  I mean if I’m a loser I really just have to accept that.  BUT if I have a cognitive disorder, well then there’s a cure!!! Right?  Catastrophizing is a cognitive distortion, see?  Look here – you can look it up yourself: https://healthypsych.com/psychology-tools-what-are-cognitive-distortions/

I mean how great is this? I don’t know that I’ll ever be invited back to Bunko (catastrophizing) and I really do feel sad about that but knowing that I have something wrong with me is making me feel alot better.  And people at the office loved my deviled eggs.  So there’s that.

As you might imagine I continued thinking about my newfound disorder during the day. Happily seeing where it does and doesn’t apply. I don’t catastrophize about everything but I am seeing patterns where I do.  I would say in most areas of my life I do NOT catastrophize but anyone that read my blog last year when I moved in with mom, well let me tell you, I was the epitome of catastrophizing. Kinda rolls off the tongue when you say it out loud doesn’t it?  Catastrophizing.  Anyway, when I told Robin the word she was a little excited too and went right to her computer to Google it.  She said “I do that too!”  That Kathy, she was the star of the office today.

I can hear Diane now saying “you’re not crazy for catastrophizing, you’re crazy for being happy about it.”  Right Di?  Well once you know something you can do something about it.  I can stop it.  I can say, wait a minute…don’t do that thing that you do.  You know, going right into talking to myself…piling up the crazy.

Stitch Fix sent me three lovely emails today and the end result is they are sending me another box. No problem they said, don’t worry about it, the other box was lost in transit, blah blah.  The box could have been taken off the porch.  I mean it is Christmas and central Florida is….well let’s just say it’s not like it’s unheard of, but so far I get my Purple Carrot boxes with no problems ever, I’ve had several other deliveries and no problems so I just want them to try sending it again to my house.  They are NOT going to drain my bank account.  I am not going to be punished at all.  I could have gone to Bunko. I could have slept and not waited up for that stupid FedEx call that never came”  Well, wait if I wouldn’t have catastrophized in the first place then I wouldn’t have the condition.  Then I’d have nothing to celebrate today.  Hmmm.

The brain is quite an anomaly.  🙂

xoxoxox