Embracing the In-between Time: My Spiritual Journey of Self-Discovery and Work

When you write at the end of a day, but its actually after midnight, technically the next day, what day is it to you? It’s Thursday night in my book.  Friday is tomorrow.  It’s in-between time.  Maybe that’s the title of this blog then, the in-between time (AI improved the title to what it shows).  My son Jimmy is marrying Emily next week.  They are beginning their “official” time together.  I’m in-between an ending, many endings, and a beginning.  I’m measuring my time by the success of, well, by my measure of success. So not sure where that puts me on the scale of time. Like when I achieve success, have I reached the end? And my measurement of success depends on what my focus is at any given time.  My focus, right now, is on retirement and the meaning of retirement, what it means to me.

Retirement, like raising a family, in my opinion is a process; a hopefully long haul.  With any luck, retirement lasts about 30 years. Jimmy (the one getting married next week) is 33 years old.  I raised Jimmy.  I have been through a lot in those 33 years.  Therefore, it compares a 30-year retirement is another lifetime waiting to unfold.  Another Jimmy life left for me to live. My older son is 41.  I know I don’t have 41 years left in me.  I also could only have a day, a week, a month, or a year left in me, anything can happen.  But that is also true at any time in our lives.  So for now, I am planning the rest of my life on the expectation that I have a lot of life yet to live.

Sadly, I am still measuring my level of success in terms of monetary comforts.  Although my comforts have changed, it is still depressing on a spiritual level, that I continue to measure my level of success on what is in my bank account. While it is depressing, it is also a fact of life on Earth, and until I reach that level of not having to worry about paying rent or buying food, I will, unfortunately, continue to measure my success in this way.  I’m not proud of this, but at the same time this motivation does give me some momentum, some impetus to keep going, a reason to try and achieve something.  A reason to live.

But shouldn’t this be a time for spiritual awareness?  Spiritual achievements?  When the career and parenting issues step aside and we go deeper into the meaning of our existence? Although I am working, and I will always be a parent, my focus on both have evolved into new ways of being.  I no longer care about a “career” in an office – I am just working, well for the money, but also because I can. Think about that!  All our lives we can’t wait to quit working, but I find myself being proud of the fact that I can still work.  I’m not as great and on top of things as I once was, but I can sure hold my own.  I am proud of that. And believe me, I don’t want to advance! Once I start getting more and more responsibility I will call that temp service and BEG for a receptionist job.

Parenting, at this level in life, takes on a whole new meaning.  I look forward to the days when I’m asked to dinner or to dog sit, but I also appreciate that they have their own lives to live and well now mom is just a nice person to visit with.

So these two areas of my life, although still part of me, also no longer define me.  And that’s where I’m at. I’m not sure what defines me, so this should be my spiritual exploration time, shouldn’t it? But since I’m still doing some work outside of this apartment, I am going to have to try and incorporate working and discovering my new meaning of life, blending a deeper spiritual value, while balancing a spreadsheet, knowing full well when I get that call to dog sit everything else, and I mean EVERYTHING else takes a back seat.  Grandpups come first!

I would like to eventually join my co-retirees in pursuits of travel and am starting to long for those days, but until I am able to join them I will consider these days as ones of self-discovery, answering the bigger questions of “why are we here?” “why am I here?” And does it have anything to do with typing, spreadsheets or answering phones?

Xoxox

Namaste