Nora Ephron wrote a book called I Feel Bad About My Neck and Other Thoughts on Being a Woman. I haven’t read it so I just now bought it. I do not like my neck either and as a matter of fact I’m starting to look into that Cryofacial stuff. Freezing fat. I recently learned about that process. I’d hate to cut myself open and regret it (Courtney Cox, Jennifer Aniston) but I could get behind freezing. Besides my neck issues, I have almost always appreciated my face.
I’m not sure if this was only a Sewickley thing but very few of us in my day, in high school, wore makeup. My dad was never a fan, to the point of asking me on my wedding day what that “shit” was that was on my face. My wedding day. And really the makeup on that day was quite subtle. The “earth mother” look was a term used to describe all us Sewickley girls (Sewickley being my home town) because I had a friend from another school district who was known as my friend with the makeup. LOL. It, makeup, worn on a daily basis anyway, was foreign to us. We were all natural beauties.
There was a boy, Patsy, RIP now, who was gorgeous in high school. One day he went through a windshield in a car accident. His face was completely scarred. With him in mind I would tell the boys driving us around in high school that they better make damn sure I’m dead if they decide to wreck the car so I don’t get scarred like Patsy. Does that sound conceited or insensitive? Damn straight it does. But it was the one feature that I thought was good enough on my body.
Have I taken it for granted all these years that I run out of the house, on any given day, for any reason, without makeup? Do I take it for granted? No. Am I cognizant of it? Yes. However, as I am aging I have asked a couple of friends (see above mention of friend) to give me a lesson on applying makeup. They have not cooperated. This is not to say I never wear makeup. In fact throughout my book, Finally Florida, I have mentioned often about date night and putting on mascara. I’ve worn mascara. And I’ve worn eye shadow. I’ve worn blue and green eye shadow. I have photos of my face with makeup that I would never ever show anyone else because I look like a clown. But I’ve also looked okay with makeup when applied correctly. I’ve recently started to apply foundation on a more regular basis. At least to get through the winter months when I can look so bad. And I am aging. I’ve accepted that. Even with aging I still think my face is okay, round as it is, without makeup, most times. And I still primarily run out of the house with no makeup because that is who I am.
HOWEVER, today, after texting with a group of friends about an upcoming brunch, I got hungry and decided to take myself over to Cherries Diner for a waffle (yes a waffle). I threw on a skort and Tshirt and was ready to go. I looked in the mirror and thought, no. But not wanting to put on makeup to go to the Diner that caters to mostly homeless people I started for the door. There’s another mirror by the door. I looked. I stopped. I went back to the bathroom and thought about my face. I picked up a washcloth and splashed it with water. I thought maybe I just need to wake it up. The cold water did help slightly but there were/are these circle things under my eyes. Eff.. so I picked up this eye cream, expired in 2020, and applied that. Then I left the mirror. I stopped again, got the sunglasses and a ball cap and decided that was good enough. Out I went.
When I analyze the situation, and am completely honest with myself, I don’t really like my face now after I look in the mirror. I don’t like my chin or neck, I don’t like my boobs, I don’t like my stomach. I briefly was envious of my blind mother never ever having to face the mirror again and in her mind she can look any way she wants to look. I have half a mind to go around and cover up all the mirrors but then I would just catch a glimpse of myself as I walked by the all-glass PPG building and be mortified that my skirt was tucked in my underwear (something I would ordinarily catch looking in the mirror) so covering up mirrors is not an option. I do have a full length mirror that I think I look okay in when I’m ready to go out the door. But when I get to my sisters, in the same outfit, and look in her mirror I am horrified. When I don’t look in any mirror I look like myself. I look like I did in my 40’s. Let’s face it no one looks like they did in highschool at this retirement age, but I can live with 40’s.
I have read all the mantras and affirmations about accepting myself as I am and I really do, until I look in the mirror. Then I have to start all over.
In the meantime, until I learn to accept myself just as I am, or let’s be honest, follow through with the Cryoskin thing, I will wear sunglasses and a hat and as my mother said to me 30 years ago when I first started noticing my drooping eyelids, get away from the mirror!
xoxox