What are you doing?

My mother asks me every day, several times a day, what I’m doing.  Yesterday, when I was visiting, she asked me many times, “what are you doing tomorrow?” I know as the adult person I am, and the 91-year-old that she is, that she is just trying to make conversation, and she has forgotten what I told her two minutes ago, but the child in me, hearing my mother ask me, makes me tense up, as if when I tell her I’m doing NOTHING I should be ashamed, embarrassed, and inadequate.  Then, I feel like I have to justify the fact that I’m doing NOTHING by telling her all the stuff I’ve been doing over the past week, or weeks. And truthfully, this past Monday, I woke up thinking “I’m doing too much, I’m trying too hard, I’m retired, knock it off.” And so I vowed to myself to quit working on all the stuff I’ve been working on and be retired.  However, I still feel that twinge of guilt when I have to tell my mother I’m doing NOTHING, even for one day.

It’s been one year since I retired.  I celebrated, quietly, with my own thoughts, on April 15.  That was my one-year anniversary.  Although I think going forward I’m going to make it more of a celebration.   Maybe take myself out to dinner.  Maybe get together with friends and eat cake.  I don’t know but I think the anniversary of retirement is something to celebrate.  It’s like the date you finally start living. Like born again.  Do you think this is what all the Christian evangelicals mean when they say you won’t get into heaven until you’re born again?  Do they mean retirement?  Because, to me, that’s what retirement STILL feels like.  Heaven.

I have been busy though.  Yes, a lot of that business is lunch plans, dinner plans, hopping on a webinar to learn about stuff I like to learn about.  The occasional hike.  Travel planning (although I’m kind of at a stand still right now) BUT additionally I’ve been working hard on that book of mine.  First it was a lot of the drudgery of formatting and getting it posted correctly.  I realize now that I’m supposed to do all that BEFORE I post it but, ya know, live and learn.  By the time I have the next book figured out I should have all that formatting done prior.  It’ll be easier.  But anyway, first the formatting, and then learning about marketing and promotion.  Trying to figure out my website (not done yet) trying to figure out the review business (and it is a business) and trying to market the book.  So there’s been a lot of reading, webinars, trial and error.  And then there’s the jars.

I started messing around with decorating jars at Christmas time.  I have no idea how I stumbled onto making these jars, but I did, and then I became a little obsessed with making them.  Jean calls it therapy. She’s not wrong.  I get lost in the jar making and it helps me not obsess about book business, or mom, or whatever else I may be obsessing about in any given moment.  Then, I realized, I’m making these jars and what am I going to do with them?  Soooo, I started looking into how to sell them.  They’re too costly to ship, so I ruled out Etsy.  I mean it’s over $10 to ship a jar.  It doesn’t make it cost effective.  I looked into selling at Farmer’s Markets. That would be my choice and I think it would be soo soo fun.  BUT you need a tent, you need weights to hold the tent down, you’d have to know how to put the tent up, you need a table for display and well you need help.  I have none of that.  No tents, weights, tables, or helpers. I did find a flea market that has indoor space and for a small fee you can get an indoor space AND they provide a table and chairs. However, I can’t get anyone to respond to the emailed request or the two phone calls.  I need to go there on the weekend and see if I can find a help.  But I have not done that…yet.  Sooo, then I thought I’ll sell at a store.  Sure, they take a cut of the sales, but I could just see if they sell at all and then I’d know if I can keep making them or not.  No one that I’ve reached out to by phone or email has responded.  But then I found a posting on Facebook of this store that is opening nearby that is going to have all home-made products for sale.  I contacted her and she responded!!  She LOVED my jars and had a spot left that I could share with two others.  We made an appointment to meet.  I was excited.  Exactly what I wanted.  A spot in a store and what if these other two went to farmers market and they had a tent?? I could share with them.  I’d even pay the $50 booth fee if I could just sit under their tent.  However, I have this cold that just won’t stop.  I think it’s allergies.  I don’t think I’m contagious.  But I told the woman I have this cold but I’ll wear a mask.  She said no problem, but she would prefer if I get sicker not to come and we will facetime.  I was sooo excited.  This was it.  She was in constant contact.  The day of the meet I was coughing like an idiot.  It just wouldn’t stop. I thought I can NOT go there with this cough.  They will all hate me.  So she said it was no problem and we’d facetime.  I emailed her early, told her about the cough, gave her my phone number and waited by the phone for the facetime call.  Nothing. Nada.  I have sent her no less than 4 emails. I started to think she was in an accident of some sort and was feeling sorry for her family.  Surely she was dead.  That was the only explanation I could think of for her unresponsiveness.  But then, then, she posts about how excited she is for the store opening on May 1.

I’m devasted.

This was why on Monday I thought, I am trying waaayyyy too hard to make something work.  The book, the jars.  It was feeling like work and I’m exhausted. So I quit.  I reminded myself that I am retired and just took a step back.

Then I sent in another application to be an extra in a commercial.  Did I tell you about that?  I was an extra in a TV show about a month ago.  That was fun.  I mean loonnggg day doing mostly nothing, but what a fun thing to experience.  So I thought I’d apply to do that again.  I mean really you do nothing and it’s a new environment for me.  I will say though, it is not an ego booster to be an extra.  The crew HATES you.  I think that they think that every extra is hoping it’s their breakout role to be a patient in a hospital scene and that is going to catapult them to stardom.  I assure you that is NOT my intent.  My intent is to have fun and see how another world lives.  And I don’t have to do anything but show up.  Well that’s not quite true.  For the show that I did I had to take outfits to change into.  Which was a pain cause I’m lugging all these clothes around a set.  We had to change a couple times, but then was never called back to the set.  A lot a lot of sitting. And eating!  Soooo much food. But I’d do it again.  If I get the chance.  The first time I was so engrossed in everything going on, but next time, when I become the expert, I’ll just take a book.  It reminded me a lot of sitting in an airport waiting for the delayed flight.  You get used to sitting there and pull out your book.  I can see getting used to sitting there in the background crew area and just reading a book.  Maybe I could leave a copy of Finally Florida in a strategic location and someone will pick it up and say….hey….we could make a series out of this?  That’s why the crews hate us.

So this week I had lunch on Monday with Angie, lunch on Tuesday with Kathy, a city hike and lunch on Wednesday with Sally (like 8 miles and my feet were crying) Thursday is mom day where I cook for her and sit and read to her for the day and so today was my planned NOTHING day.  But really not nothing, here I am typing a blog.  That’s not nothing.  I moved some money around, but that was late last night so that might not count.  I talked to my brother.  We got disconnected twice and then he had to hang up on me for real.  I played Wordle.  Took me FIVE tries.  Not a good day. I’ve had two cups of tea. I’m looking around my “corner” where I sit to type these things and do my internet research, and write and I’m thinking maybe that couch is the place to be today.  Maybe there’s a movie on I need to see.  I mean it’s my NOTHING day.  So I need to do nothing.  Ooh, movie, maybe, maybe I’ll take myself to a movie.

Nah, that’s too much work.

xoxox