Believe what you will

Week one and done. And what a peaceful week it’s been. It’s been busy but just the freedom to do what I want is something.  It’s not nothing. It’s just an emotion hard to convey. What have I done?  A little of this, a little of that. You know how you walk in one room and start cleaning and then it’s like, “this goes in another room” and then you go in the other room and start something in that room and then you remember, “wait, I was cleaning in this other room” and well then you go the bathroom and decide to clean the tub.  It’s been a week like that. Which has been wonderful because little by little I’m getting stuff done.  Nothing all at once mind you, but a little here and a little there and it’s a pretty wonderful feeling. No deadlines, no hurry up and check emails, no get to bed so you can get up.  None of that. And honestly it’s hard not to “do” anything.  It’s hard not to have an agenda.

I like the idea and believe in the idea of letting go, the premise of clearing out old patterns to allow new patterns to develop and emerge but it’s hard.  Thinking that doing “nothing” is not easy. But “doing” something is an old, fought lived and won battle for like your entire life.  Going to school, getting a job, getting married, having kids, getting unmarried, having kids, getting a job, keeping a job, kids again, mortgages, dogs, I mean life is filled with doing stuff.  Making sure the future is taking care of or at a minimum getting through the days so there is a future.  But now my future is here. And because I didn’t do it the preferred way (well planned and thought out and financially responsible) I have to do it the “other” way that according to the tea-towel pictured above is the way many of us have chosen to retire. By the seat of our pants.

But the having to do something is still ingrained in me.

I am on many job boards, like Indeed.com, and continue to get daily notices of jobs.  Remote jobs, airline jobs (!), part time jobs, notices I signed up for these past few years when I thought of this retirement thing and every day I think “ooh there’s a good one” – but there are so many good ones I don’t know how to narrow it down.  And then I remember it’s been ONE week!  ONE.  And I don’t want to work right away again.  I want to live into this retirement before I jump back into a schedule.  I can do it and I should do it.  I mean that’s the idea, isn’t it?  To finally enjoy life?  I just need to clear out these old patterns of taking action, thinking about what to “do” next and instead simply enjoy being alive and in the world. That’s my job now, to enjoy my life, enjoy being in the world. To consciously quit “doing” and just “be”.

I can learn something by my minute-by-minute routines and apply to my life, letting life take me where it will.  For instance, while writing this blog, just now, I got up to make a cup of tea.  While waiting for the water to boil I looked at the floor and saw “dirt” – the sunlight is hitting the floor just so and I could see dirt.  So, I grabbed the broom and wanted to get just this one corner.  But then that broom just kept going and I kept seeing more dirt so I kept sweeping.  Before you know it I was in the other room with the broom. Then I decided to put the broom away and get the Roomba (Beverly) going.  But that means blocking off certain areas because Beverly and shag carpets do not go together.  So then I had to drag around my paraphernalia to block off the carpet and THEN I started Beverly and THEN I came back and sat down And THEN I remembered I forgot my tea and THEN I went back in the kitchen to get my tea and then I remember the tea towel that I wanted to take a photo of for the blog and well eventually I found my way back to the chair with the computer and began to finish the blog.  But do you know what was/is missing?  Stress.  I have no stress.  I am not on a deadline.  I don’t “have” to finish this blog by a certain time.  I don’t “have” to get back to work or check emails or pack all my to-do things into this two-day weekend because I no longer have only week-ends. (Remember that line from Downton Abbey? “What is a week-end?”)

I do have to get ready for a play at the Benedum today.  Going to see “To Kill a Mockingbird” with the girls and then we’re going out to dinner.  We’re going to get extra desserts to celebrate my retirement, at least I am. I’m not overly worried about the weight gain because I’ve already incorporated morning yoga when I get out of bed – because I am not rushed now – and I have my rowing on Monday nights and hikes and well I have time now. And I am determined to have time to live my life. BUT I have yet to unsubscribe from Indeed.  I mean there is still that part of me that thinks there might be a good job out there.  So I still have work to do, which is to quit looking for work.

I gotta go.  Beverly got stuck under the refrigerator and who knows where that will lead me when I go in to unstuck her.  But I’m not worried about it.  I have all day.

xoxoxo