Being a mom in the time of Covid

I have two older sons.  My youngest son typically keeps me posted on everything going on in his life…well not everything (thank God) but he is very communicative.  My oldest…I swear conversation is like pulling teeth.  A question like “how are you” can be met with resistance.  I don’t know if he’s wondering if I have an agenda to my “how are you” or worse yet if he thinks I will criticize his answer.  If he says “fine” – will I say “what do you mean by fine” – if he says “not well” I then question “what does that mean” – I am SURE this is what he’s thinking because it can sometimes take a day or never to get a response.

Sometimes he is very chatty.  It seems to be best if I start with something other than “how are you”.

On Fridays he typically goes to Costco.  This past Friday I sent him a text and asked if he was going to Costco.  I was going to ask him to look for Peanut Butter (toilet paper is a given) – his response was “not tonight, I’m not feeling well” – to that I said “do you have a fever” and he said no.  And then I dropped it because…well see above.  He doesn’t like questions…usually. And I am always accused of over-reacting.  He never offers more information than necessary.

I offered that I would be going to the store on Saturday and could get him something if needed.  He thanked me.  See?  So good so far. He’s responding.

Saturday was met with laziness.  It seems to be a day for me to lounge in bed a long time, and then do nothing if possible.  By mid-day (and after 5 episodes of Last Tango in Halifax) I realized I had offered to get him something at the store and at this point I had no intention of leaving the house – but the mom that I am I reached out “haven’t been to the store yet – do you need anything?” – answer, “no thanks for asking” – and back I went to finish bingeing Last Tango.  I know not to push my luck with additional questions.

Sunday was a good day – I did a lot of laundry – took a few walks.  We were so windy here I was afraid of getting decapitated by a flying stop sign or any type of debris, but I am here to tell you that did not happen to me or anyone I know of.  However there was a very sad story of a tree falling on a woman and her 3 year old daughter who were walking in a park.  Presumably the wind knocked the tree over. They are both in critical care.

I watched 60 minutes last night.  What is happening in New York is horrifying and so very sad.  Anyone who watched it will understand.  Also, I’ve never heard of this Brene Brown.  Apparently she’s getting big like an Oprah.  But I don’t know anyone else that’s heard of her either.  Well anyway, I digress…

After 60 minutes…it occurred to me, Zach didn’t feel well, I should check in with him even though chances are he won’t respond because he’s Zach. I should at least be the mom and say “how are you feeling..” so I took a leap of faith and sent the text.  Not a quick response (in texting terms) but I did get “about the same as yesterday.  Not bad as long as I’m not moving” – my response “what are your symptoms” – His response “I’m scheduled for Covid test tomorrow at 8 am”

Well…

Well…

I called him.  Let me say I first sent a text and said “can I call you?” He didn’t answer.  I was m-effing him of course for not answering.  I called anyway.  No answer. But then…because he really is a good boy, he called me back, apologized that the phone was in the other room and even put me on speaker so I could talk to both him and Rachel.  Apparently, he was having trouble breathing.  Had called telemedicine and they told him to go for testing. He called them on Friday, they set up the appointment for Monday morning.  Told him if he had to go to the ER they had to call ahead of time and let them know he was having Covid symptoms before getting there.

But do you see, a whole weekend of him not being able to breathe and I don’t hear about it until Sunday night?  I was checking on him wasn’t I?  Was I just not asking the right questions? I hate kids.

And because I watched 60 minutes and heard how someone can go into the ER with slight symptoms and be on a ventilator within 3 hours well you can imagine my stress level. His sympton was he couldn’t breathe. I was trying really really hard not to over react.  It helped that it was a horrible connection and I had trouble hearing them. I succeeded in remaining calm and just said “Zachary If you can’t breathe you have to go to the ER” – They explained to me that they were given instructions on how to go to the ER if it got worse.  Rachel thinks he has pneumonia.  I don’t really care what he has, I just want him to breathe.  I also found out that Rachel had been miserably sick these past few weeks. I had no idea.  One time a year or so back I found out she was in ICU in a hospital and on a heart monitor for a month.  Know when I found out? Like 6 months later. I HATE kids.  We said our “I love yous” and hung up.  They agreed to keep me posted on the following day’s events.

I hung up with them and full on panic ensued.  I texted with a couple friends – rambling, shaking, crying.

All I could think about was:

• I smoked when I was pregnant..It was 1982 – nobody told me not to.  I smoked when I nursed.  I smoked until he was 2.  It’s my fault he can’t breathe.  It’s all my fault.  He’s going to die from this because of me.
• What if it escalates and he is put on a ventilator. Is he going to be alone?  Will they allow visitors?  Will Rachel be able to be in there with him? She’ll be losing her mind.  I’ll lose my mind.
• Will they ever tell me? Do they know I’m his mom?  Will I get a call? Or will they wait until he’s really bad before I know anything at all.
• I’m not telling Jimmy (younger son).  He is prone to panic attacks.  I’ll wait until after the testing is done.

I waited until 8:10 this morning and then sent a text to both him and Rachel and said “well?” – no response.  See what I’m saying?  Fuckers!

Then…I see he’s online.  He’s working!  And after a few short responses..

ME: Are you working?

Yes

ME: Did you drive or walk over (to testing)

Drove

ME: I assume you are feeling better or they wouldn’t have sent you home

And boom – conversation ensued…Just have to hit the right cadence I guess. 

I was shuffled to a room and the halls were lined with people in hazmat suits. ​They sat me down and shoved a thing up my nose then told me to leave.…was handed a piece of paper that said results in 1-4 days.

He shared that he is feeling much much better.  He is able to breathe much better.  I should be relieved.

I am not

I keep crying

I know I’m a cry baby

But

This is different

Most people getting this thing will feel nothing or feel like they have a cold (presumably) but people ARE dying.  It’s like a crap shoot.  Is it going to be your son?  Because you smoked?

Jimmy has sports related asthma. What if he gets it? Could he have trouble breathing if he gets it?  He’s also prone to panic attacks.  Wonder where he gets THAT from?  How will that condition interact with this Covid business?

A mom’s role is to rush to their child’s side isn’t it?.  What am I supposed to do now? I kept catastrophizing…I could run to Zach’s house and sit with him – he lives close.  Would Zachary be more upset that I’m exposing myself or would he be grateful that I’m there?  What if I get it and react adversely and be one of the unlucky ones. What about Jimmy?  Is that fair to the other one? Do I save myself? And now knowing Zachary is getting better is this the lesson?  Just wait it out?  It’s so opposite a natural motherly response. We don’t wait – we rush.

But I didn’t rush did I?  I didn’t sleep much either.

What if that would have been the wrong decision?  What if I would have lost him in the night?  I kept rehashing in my head the last time I saw him and was wondering if that was the last time I was going to see him.  Now that I know he’s okay was it mom intuition working and if it really was the end I would have known to rush?  Or am I rationalizing poor motherly response?

I KNOW this is over-reacting…which I am always accused of…my head was catastrophizing big time.  We always think it won’t happen to me.  But it does happen.  It’s happening to “me’s” all over the world.

The therapists (or pseudo therapists) reading this, are probably having a field day with my relationship issues with my children…I’m glad to give you a case study to think about…but the bottom line is the issue facing all of us mothers of older children in these times..

What are we supposed to do?