Month: March 2020

I have two older sons.  My youngest son typically keeps me posted on everything going on in his life…well not everything (thank God) but he is very communicative.  My oldest…I swear conversation is like pulling teeth.  A question like “how are you” can be met with resistance.  I don’t know if he’s wondering if I have an agenda to my “how are you” or worse yet if he thinks I will criticize his answer.  If he says “fine” – will I say “what do you mean by fine” – if he says “not well” I then question “what does that mean” – I am SURE this is what he’s thinking because it can sometimes take a day or never to get a response.

Sometimes he is very chatty.  It seems to be best if I start with something other than “how are you”.

On Fridays he typically goes to Costco.  This past Friday I sent him a text and asked if he was going to Costco.  I was going to ask him to look for Peanut Butter (toilet paper is a given) – his response was “not tonight, I’m not feeling well” – to that I said “do you have a fever” and he said no.  And then I dropped it because…well see above.  He doesn’t like questions…usually. And I am always accused of over-reacting.  He never offers more information than necessary.

I offered that I would be going to the store on Saturday and could get him something if needed.  He thanked me.  See?  So good so far. He’s responding.

Saturday was met with laziness.  It seems to be a day for me to lounge in bed a long time, and then do nothing if possible.  By mid-day (and after 5 episodes of Last Tango in Halifax) I realized I had offered to get him something at the store and at this point I had no intention of leaving the house – but the mom that I am I reached out “haven’t been to the store yet – do you need anything?” – answer, “no thanks for asking” – and back I went to finish bingeing Last Tango.  I know not to push my luck with additional questions.

Sunday was a good day – I did a lot of laundry – took a few walks.  We were so windy here I was afraid of getting decapitated by a flying stop sign or any type of debris, but I am here to tell you that did not happen to me or anyone I know of.  However there was a very sad story of a tree falling on a woman and her 3 year old daughter who were walking in a park.  Presumably the wind knocked the tree over. They are both in critical care.

I watched 60 minutes last night.  What is happening in New York is horrifying and so very sad.  Anyone who watched it will understand.  Also, I’ve never heard of this Brene Brown.  Apparently she’s getting big like an Oprah.  But I don’t know anyone else that’s heard of her either.  Well anyway, I digress…

After 60 minutes…it occurred to me, Zach didn’t feel well, I should check in with him even though chances are he won’t respond because he’s Zach. I should at least be the mom and say “how are you feeling..” so I took a leap of faith and sent the text.  Not a quick response (in texting terms) but I did get “about the same as yesterday.  Not bad as long as I’m not moving” – my response “what are your symptoms” – His response “I’m scheduled for Covid test tomorrow at 8 am”

Well…

Well…

I called him.  Let me say I first sent a text and said “can I call you?” He didn’t answer.  I was m-effing him of course for not answering.  I called anyway.  No answer. But then…because he really is a good boy, he called me back, apologized that the phone was in the other room and even put me on speaker so I could talk to both him and Rachel.  Apparently, he was having trouble breathing.  Had called telemedicine and they told him to go for testing. He called them on Friday, they set up the appointment for Monday morning.  Told him if he had to go to the ER they had to call ahead of time and let them know he was having Covid symptoms before getting there.

But do you see, a whole weekend of him not being able to breathe and I don’t hear about it until Sunday night?  I was checking on him wasn’t I?  Was I just not asking the right questions? I hate kids.

And because I watched 60 minutes and heard how someone can go into the ER with slight symptoms and be on a ventilator within 3 hours well you can imagine my stress level. His sympton was he couldn’t breathe. I was trying really really hard not to over react.  It helped that it was a horrible connection and I had trouble hearing them. I succeeded in remaining calm and just said “Zachary If you can’t breathe you have to go to the ER” – They explained to me that they were given instructions on how to go to the ER if it got worse.  Rachel thinks he has pneumonia.  I don’t really care what he has, I just want him to breathe.  I also found out that Rachel had been miserably sick these past few weeks. I had no idea.  One time a year or so back I found out she was in ICU in a hospital and on a heart monitor for a month.  Know when I found out? Like 6 months later. I HATE kids.  We said our “I love yous” and hung up.  They agreed to keep me posted on the following day’s events.

I hung up with them and full on panic ensued.  I texted with a couple friends – rambling, shaking, crying.

All I could think about was:

• I smoked when I was pregnant..It was 1982 – nobody told me not to.  I smoked when I nursed.  I smoked until he was 2.  It’s my fault he can’t breathe.  It’s all my fault.  He’s going to die from this because of me.
• What if it escalates and he is put on a ventilator. Is he going to be alone?  Will they allow visitors?  Will Rachel be able to be in there with him? She’ll be losing her mind.  I’ll lose my mind.
• Will they ever tell me? Do they know I’m his mom?  Will I get a call? Or will they wait until he’s really bad before I know anything at all.
• I’m not telling Jimmy (younger son).  He is prone to panic attacks.  I’ll wait until after the testing is done.

I waited until 8:10 this morning and then sent a text to both him and Rachel and said “well?” – no response.  See what I’m saying?  Fuckers!

Then…I see he’s online.  He’s working!  And after a few short responses..

ME: Are you working?

Yes

ME: Did you drive or walk over (to testing)

Drove

ME: I assume you are feeling better or they wouldn’t have sent you home

And boom – conversation ensued…Just have to hit the right cadence I guess. 

I was shuffled to a room and the halls were lined with people in hazmat suits. ​They sat me down and shoved a thing up my nose then told me to leave.…was handed a piece of paper that said results in 1-4 days.

He shared that he is feeling much much better.  He is able to breathe much better.  I should be relieved.

I am not

I keep crying

I know I’m a cry baby

But

This is different

Most people getting this thing will feel nothing or feel like they have a cold (presumably) but people ARE dying.  It’s like a crap shoot.  Is it going to be your son?  Because you smoked?

Jimmy has sports related asthma. What if he gets it? Could he have trouble breathing if he gets it?  He’s also prone to panic attacks.  Wonder where he gets THAT from?  How will that condition interact with this Covid business?

A mom’s role is to rush to their child’s side isn’t it?.  What am I supposed to do now? I kept catastrophizing…I could run to Zach’s house and sit with him – he lives close.  Would Zachary be more upset that I’m exposing myself or would he be grateful that I’m there?  What if I get it and react adversely and be one of the unlucky ones. What about Jimmy?  Is that fair to the other one? Do I save myself? And now knowing Zachary is getting better is this the lesson?  Just wait it out?  It’s so opposite a natural motherly response. We don’t wait – we rush.

But I didn’t rush did I?  I didn’t sleep much either.

What if that would have been the wrong decision?  What if I would have lost him in the night?  I kept rehashing in my head the last time I saw him and was wondering if that was the last time I was going to see him.  Now that I know he’s okay was it mom intuition working and if it really was the end I would have known to rush?  Or am I rationalizing poor motherly response?

I KNOW this is over-reacting…which I am always accused of…my head was catastrophizing big time.  We always think it won’t happen to me.  But it does happen.  It’s happening to “me’s” all over the world.

The therapists (or pseudo therapists) reading this, are probably having a field day with my relationship issues with my children…I’m glad to give you a case study to think about…but the bottom line is the issue facing all of us mothers of older children in these times..

What are we supposed to do?

I was happy when I woke up and realized it is Friday.  Tracking my days is different now.  Not like I haven’t worked at home before, but it takes awhile to get into a new routine.  I’ve been walking to the corner all week, as if I’m going to the bus stop.  I stop and take a picture and then I “run” home.  It gets my heart moving.

Look at my beautiful city

Tuesday

Wed

Thursday

Friday

I’ve spent most of the week hating technology.  There are at least 3 ways to check my work email and each one opens differently – displays differently and has different functions.  Sometimes I get the “can’t get there from here” message and that’s when I think it’s a sign to go back to bed.

Yesterday I was on a “TEAMS” call taking notes (like Skype, Zoom, conference call program)– trying to stay inconspicuous you know, in the background, muted microphone, typing away.  Since the microphone in my laptop refuses to work I have to connect via Iphone –  I use the phone as a microphone and I’m still connected through the computer as well. It’s meant to be used by people who don’t have a microphone on their desktop.   All the sudden the call drops..Sheesh – during the meeting – that I am taking notes on – so I’m scrambling to reconnect.  I have to have the program call me since my microphone doesn’t work – anyway, so it calls me back but it never rings so I figure, heck with it, I can hear them I’ll just keep going.  They don’t need to hear me.  Next thing ya know there is a message reverberating throughout the conference call “your voice mail is full, please…blah blah..” and my boss is like “Lynn?…” Jesus Christ.  Apparently, what happened was when the program called me back the second time it went straight to voice mail and had been recording in my voice mail the whole time. Unbeknownst to me.  I mean do you see?  This is why I need to retire. Or like Zach said “I should have been a park ranger” – Technology is the worst…and the best…but the worst when it involves your job.  I’m just not going to call in any more.  There is nothing I need to say. If they need me to say anything I can put it on the “chat” screen.  I think the connection issues have something to do with the reception I get in this basement office of mine.

Speaking of basement offices, I’ve told my landlord that I will not be renewing my lease. I now have 2 months to find a place.  I don’t have a plan.  Well I guess I have a plan to move out. I don’t know where.  The whole idea was to spend a year here while I got resettled and then buy a place and really settle into my forever home.  Like my forever..which you know…the end game..last house, etc.  It’s really weird to be thinking in those terms, last house, last car.  Although seriously I’m not anywhere near last car, at least to my knowledge.  We (my age group) are though considered “at risk” in this Covid thing. That’s a bit sobering.  I don’t feel “at risk” – but just incase I figure the best thing for me to do is to keep my lungs healthy. Thus the daily walks.  I did a 20-minute yoga video the other day.  I thought I’d do 20 minutes every day.  Well,,,, the first day, 20 minutes seemed like 3 hours.  I kept thinking “is this never going to end?  Where is the shavasana?”  I haven’t done a 20-minute segment since.  I am still sore from the first one. 

Today being casual Friday, after my shower (yes it was a shower day) I decided to wear a new top.  You know just to make it a special day.  It is a new casual top.  I have realized that I can wear the same laundry basket full of clothes for the entire week.  I just need to do laundry once and rewear everything in that same laundry basket.  Maybe when I go to the grocery store over the weekend I’ll try and go outside the laundry basket and wear something else.

Has anyone else thought about purposely getting the thing?  I mean since I’m self-quarantined anyway.  Wouldn’t it better if I just got it?  Stayed home my 15 days and then at least I’d be able to visit people for a couple weeks without the threat of being a carrier or getting it again?  OR I wonder if you can be a carrier and immune at the same time?  If no one sneezes on me, and I’m not a carrier, well shouldn’t I be okay?  I don’t mind being home but I’m ready for some human interaction.  I’ve seen some people on my walk/run in the mornings but usually I cross the street.  I’m thinking of going over to my neighbors and throwing rocks at her door to get her to come outside and sit on her porch and I can talk to her from the sidewalk.  My other neighbor was BLASTING music yesterday.  Made my house shake.  He said he wanted to get people to come outside on their decks.  He used to be a DJ.  He misses it.  Maybe he’s on to something and when it warms up we can all have a dance party on our decks.  I’m going to miss living here.  I do love my little street.

It’s the weekend.  It’s warming up but it’s supposed to rain…a lot.   I wonder what shows I’ll watch.  Sandy’s turned me onto “Last Tango in Halifax” – it’s very cute.  Just about life.  Life is very interesting isn’t it?  Especially now – Life in the times of Cholera/Covid. 

xoxoxo

When to get up
When to shower
Which pair of leggins
When to eat breakfast
When to eat lunch
Is it a Tea or coffee day
When to turn on the news
When to turn off the news
Rent or buy
Netflix,  Prime or Hulu
Should I wear earrings in so the holes don’t close up
When/If to exercise

Look at me getting into a little blog habit again.  It’s the end of the day and I thought maybe I should spit one of these blogs out quickly before I turn off this laptop for the day. If for nothing else to brush up on my writing skills.  I am noticing now how all these celebrities are stealing my idea of checking in everyday – only they’re doing it with video chats. They share just as much nonsense as I do.  The difference is people follow them.  Lol. 

I am thrilled with the good news on my local news channel about how people are coming together and giving, giving, giving.  It is so heartwarming. I watched Outbreak over the weekend (from 1995 – with Dustin Hoffman and Morgan Freeman and a ton of others).  Our situation is not the same as in Outbreak as they were soooo sick.  Also, they portrayed humans as being violent and crazy and so far that doesn’t seem to be the case.  We’re either just loving each other or partying (yes I’m talking about you Florida people) – Let’s hope our goodness maintains until the end.

Mom and I have a somewhat debate about what/who is behind this.  She believes the “dark forces” are behind most things.  I disagree, I said I think this is God.  I think he/she’s saying…”look people, I’m giving you one more chance.  You either come together or I’m killing you all..”  lol… Well think about it.  The virus hits us all, no matter social status, or politics, color or race, everyone is affected.  Other than the one’s dying (sorry that’s not funny) the symptoms are not that bad. I am very aware that I could lose my mom to this if she would get it, but I also could lose her to pneumonia. I’m over 60 as well so you know I could also go down.  But then I’ll just assume I’m needed on the other side.  My point is, so far, this seems to be bringing good out in the majority of us.  If we prove to God that we can all get along maybe he won’t wipe us all out and start over. I even sent a tweet today to Adam Schiff in support of a Trump interview clip.  It was unacceptably edited and very misleading as to the true interview.  Trump looks bad enough, you don’t need to make up stuff.  We all need to be careful what we are viewing and believing and watching.  I’m pretty much just streaming Netflix and Hula.  I suggest Harlan Coben’s various Neflix series – The Stranger, Safe and The Five.  He’s such a good writer.

I read an article today about how they’re calling the groups we live with, in this time of sheltering-in-place, our social cohort.  We’re allowed to hang out with and even “touch” those we live with who are in our social cohort.  I do not have a social cohort.  I usually balance this with a call to friends to meet for lunch or a walk or porch visit.  Those are off now. Everyone keeps asking me if I at least have a dog. I do not. I am not allowed pets.  I am thinking of running an ad to see if there might be someone else looking for a social cohort.

How to get to know someone quick. Shelter-in-place together.

xoxox

Are you thinking it too?  Are you wondering since I’m going to be working from home, without visitors, will I move back to Florida?  Has it crossed your mind?  Interesting, it’s crossed my mind too.  Just briefly. Long enough to have me looking online at trailers in Port Orange. The immediate and logical answer is of course I’m not going to move.  My whole family is here and my friends, the ones that still like me, I have a social life here, babies (great nieces and nephews) and now of course my new grand-dog Daisy.

I got a notice today that my electricity usage for the week has increased by 46%.  That’s mostly due to my heater that I have on 12-7 (that’s 12 hours a day).  I’m sitting in my kitchen for work and it’s cold here in this room.  COLD.  I have plans to move to my upstairs quiet room where it is much brighter and warmer but I need to get set up (a desk) first.  I’m also not excited about giving up my quiet room.  That’s when I looked at this listing. 

https://www.trulia.com/property/4062182258-39-Cypress-In-The-Wood-Wood-Port-Orange-FL-32129?mid=6#lil-mediaTab

I’m not crazy about those kitchen cabinets but the desk on photo #7…well it’s like Miracle on 34^th street.  A sign when young Natalie Wood sees the cane in the corner of the house?  I’ve been asking the good Lord for signs. I have a lot of deadlines and decisions to make, as usual, and well is this a sign?  What if it’s a sign to buy now while we are sequestered and then when it’s time to go back to work up here, rent it out and keep it to have when I retire and become a snowbird.  When it’s time to go back to work in the city, then I can come back up north and rent something again up here.  I have no problems living in a trailer in Florida, but I can’t bring myself to live in a trailer in PA.  At least not in a trailer park.  Also I am looking for an “investment” and trailers are not that.  Heavy sigh.

My mind…

It’s a wonder..

I told my brother earlier today that I was going to buy an RV and park it on our 1-acre lot that we still have in Virginia and live by the creek.  I’d have to pay my siblings off though.

I have to tell my landlord in 2 weeks if I’m going to renew my lease.  When I rented this place, I never intended to stay more than a year but I am struggling with where to go.  Houses for sale are selling like crazy. I’ve put in 4 bids so far – lost them all.  All bids are going over asking. I’ve bid on one over asking.  I was $5000 over – another person I heard was $12,000 over – we both lost it. I wonder what it actually went for.  Now I’m looking further out of the city to see if I have more of a chance.  I can’t compete here in the city.  I keep moving further and further away from the city but always thinking about staying close to transportation to the city. 

And now look, we’re not going into the city for the unforeseeable future.  We’re not socializing either.  Does this open more doors? Or close them.

What’s the message Lord? I’m listening…

xoxoxo

I’m sitting here thinking what I can do to help out during these times.  I thought about posting on some media site that I would help with food for kids, or deliver meals to shut ins; although maybe Meals on Wheels is still doing that, anyway, then it hit me.  I’ll just blog.  Lol.  I mean I don’t know what kids eat.  Ya know? I only half jest. I could make pancakes and chocolate chip cookies! So maybe I’ll blog AND cook for kids.  I bet my neighbor would cook cookies too.  She is the best baker ever.

So, interesting times don’t you think?  I’m not gonna lie.  It took me awhile to grasp the severity.  In my defense, and many others like me, it’s not like we’ve ever been through anything like this in our life time.  Ya know?  We always get sick.  We’re expected to go to work when we’re sick.  Suzanne gives you dirty looks if you stay home sick.  I mean it’s an expectation in America that you just keep going to work.  So what do we care if we’re sick?  It’s just another day right?  And millions die from the flu every year right?  Okay maybe not millions, but alot? How about that statistic that I never knew until now.  We just fluff it off. We know soandso went into the hospital with a kidney stone and got pneumonia and died and we just write it off as part of getting sick.  What about all the MRSA deaths?  We should get more statistics on that shouldn’t we?  Well, I’m just saying, in our culture we just push through and think being sick is a “sissy” disease.  So I didn’t actually grasp the seriousness of the situation until someone I work with/for, who sits in an office beside me was sent home, quarantined for 14 days expected to have the thing. That’s when it hit me.  I thought well there goes visits to Diane (currently hospitalized with a broken ankle…like severely broken) and visits to mom.  And really I should probably not visit anyone knowing that he might have it and then I might have it?  It really hit me, the trickle-down effect.  Rachel’s mom has leukemia..what if I hugged Rachel?  Janice has a compromised immune system.  My neighbor had me over for dinner with 70-80 year old’s – see how bad it is?  And that doesn’t count all the people I ride the bus and subway with – all those people in the Steel Building, on the elevator, in the bathrooms.  It just made my mind spin with what could happen.  It doesn’t matter that maybe I won’t feel anything, or have symptoms, but what about Rachel’s mom?  Janice?  Those new neighbors?  My mom, Diane?  I mean it goes on and on with who we touch.  An interesting exercise in how connected we all really are.  So putting that into perspective I am happy to stay home.  I do not want to be that girl.

I’ve continued to read up on it and truly believe that if enough people have their come-to-Jesus moment and take this seriously and stay home and sing on our balconies then we will get over this. My mom said “well 1% deaths doesn’t sound bad – does it?”  Well let’s see based on 2019 statistics we have 328,239,523 in the US. 1% of that is 3,282,395.  That’s a lot of people dying JUST from the corona virus. Total number of recorded deaths in a year are about 2,813,503.  So add another 3 million on top of that.. Well it’s a lot.  And a lot all at once.  And there’s the whole stress on the healthcare industry and those that work in it.  I mean just such a snowball.

I don’t know if my numbers are text book accurate but I do think they paint a picture of the seriousness that I eventually came to terms with.  So what will I do with myself?

Luckily the last so many years (not this year but about 4 prior) I’ve been pretty much a loner.  I work and then walk on the beach…alone.  So now I work and I’ll walk on the Mount. And for big entertainment it was a night out at Walmart or sometimes Sushi.  One thing for sure, there is nothing I need to go to Walmart for.  I can have my food delivered.  I got out of the habit of going for Sushi mainly because I don’t know where to go.  I’m marinating some Ahi Tuna at this very moment though.

A few years ago (turns out quite a few) I worked from home so I’m used to that as well.  So this is just bringing up so very nice memories of those times.  Every day (the last two days) I have promised to go walking/running at lunch just to get some fresh air and see my favorite view of the city.  I haven’t done it yet, but I will!  Tomorrow is the day.

I went online today to try and find a proper computer desk as the angle of my kitchen table is giving me carpal tunnel already, but this is not a complaint, just an observation.  I found a computer desk on CraigsList.  I wonder if they’ll leave it on the curb for me to swing by and pick it up.  I can Venmo them. Right?  I mean there are workable solutions.

Jimmy has already apologized for not visiting, saying he’s staying away from me and his dad (for our benefit – yea right).  Zachary and Rachel stopped by on Saturday night, and then I sent them an apology the next day for hugging them.  It’s weird times.

The very best I see is the humanity that is coming out in most of us. Not counting the panic over toilet paper (and what’s that about?) it seems like so many people are thinking of ways to help out.  I saw a story about a restaurant giving away free food to the poor and the owner said he’ll keep doing it until we get back to normal or he goes bankrupt.  Ya know?  I mean Humanity is the best.  We really are good at our souls. We may be skeptics, but who can blame us with how often we’re lied to, we don’t know what to believe anymore, so we need to believe in ourselves.  Just like me, I was skeptical until the guy at work with a fever sneezed on me.  And I thought, oh man, I get it. (turns out he was not tested, they said he didn’t qualify – just regular sick I guess)

I don’t talk much about the company I work for.  It’s big.  It’s healthcare.  Imagine how crazy my work place is. And I don’t know the half of it since my department is construction.

Well, that’s it.  Notes from me on day 2 of our social distancing.  I’ve gone from my beautiful 60^th floor views to sitting in this dungeon of a kitchen that I have.  I’m working on moving my spot to upstairs so I can be by a window at least and look outside.  It won’t take me long at all to adapt.  That’s my super power.  Resilience. Adapting. Moving on.

What’s your super power?

xoxoxo

**Disclaimer – all health conditions mentioned above our hypothetical..except Diane really did break her ankle.