A marvelous night for a Moondance

My friend Jean is at the Van Morrison concert in Pittsburgh tonight.  I’m so jealous but she did text and say she’s too old for concerts.  Speaking of the moon..

I love my apartment. I really do.  I don’t even have it all put together yet and really not motivated to finish with the wall decorations, but I just love being here.  I don’t know where to put all the pictures – wall pictures and framed photos – again with the photos.  When I moved into Moon Township I had perfect wall space for everything and then I made new, custom-made collages for perfect spots for that apartment’s wall space.  Here, on one hand I feel I have too many wall pics (and just brought more from moms)  and on the other hand I have all this wall space I don’t know what to do with – I know crazy right? But I just love it here even without the walls completed.  I love sitting on my couch, I love being able to walk into the kitchen area and see the TV from there – I love my new table and lamp that I brought from my mom’s, I love my bowl of angel cards that I can turn over when I leave in the morning and when I come home at night.  I love the fact that I could sit on my couch OR my porch. I don’t know there’s just something welcoming about this little place and the plants that greet me when I walk in the door every night.

And then of course there’s the proximity to the beach.  Last night I threw on a little beach dress and walked on the beach right after work – it was so lovely.  I was practically the only person so with no one watching I even tried jogging a little bit.  I know right?  The water was pretty high up on the beach.  I’m not sure what that means but it seems like it might mean that it’s a bit stormy out there.  And in fact the waves were pretty rough.  When I first moved here to the Ocean side I thought I’d never get used to the Ocean – it’s just too big after living on the Gulf side for 2 years (Is that all it was – just 2 years?) But now I look at that ocean and I just love it and I pinch myself and smile really big because I can’t believe that I live here and I can throw on shorts right after work and go for a walk on what is almost like a private beach (at times) – it’s unbelievable.

I’ve been trying to budget/treat myself to at least (or at the most) one meal out per week.  Only once a week mostly because it’s so much better to cook at home, unless like me you are on the pb&j diet.  When I was getting those Purple Carrot boxes I was so dedicated and healthy and loved cooking.  Now I’m so tired when I get home and I don’t have anything prepared and don’t feel like preparing and I go right to the pb&J.  I also go right to the beach sometimes and then get home too late and don’t want to cook that late.  I bought chicken and turkey the other day. I have big plans to just have chicken ready to throw on a salad and I wanted to make some turkey/black bean chili and have it at the ready, but every day I say to myself…tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll do that.  So tomorrow is chicken cooking and turkey chili day.  I’ve eaten all the lettuce for salads so it’ll also be a store day.  ANYWAY, my two go-tos for eating out are a place over at the beach on the back water at a marina looking at the boats.  That’s one place. It’s called Boondocks. It doesn’t really have that great food but I like the whole bar/marina vibe – and I kinda like sitting in a bar – even though I’m just drinking an ice tea – an outside bar mind you, but I don’t know,  there’s something very comforting about sitting at a bar…isn’t that wild for a non-drinker?  My other go-to place is the Sushi place which I think might be a chain – Sushi 99 – is that a chain restaurant?  Well I go there and sit at the sushi bar – they give you a free appetizer and free soup!!! So those are my two go-to places so far.  There are many many restaurants around here I should keep exploring.  There’s a big some kind of Crabby place right on the ocean – but you know those places are typically real touristy and well I don’t think it’s the kind of place you go alone.  I used to be real uncomfortable…back in the day…eating alone.  I think now I kind of enjoy it.  That’s a little weird too, isn’t it?

I’m changing so much in this middle adolescent self of mine.  I listened to something recently that said childhood is considered birth to 58!  After 58 is when you start adolescence or maybe it was middle age starts at 58.  I like it and I am grasping how that really makes sense.  I mean the lens in which you look at your own life and your problems and issues and your likes and dislikes well that lens is so much more defined.  I don’t know that it’s made it any easier for me, actually it might make things a little harder.

Let’s take my job for instance.  I am having a really hard time.  I have been having a really hard time at that job since I started it for a variety of reasons.  But therein is one of those lenses…ya know?  Is it the job, or is it me?  I think about what are the reasons for this dislike of mine? It seems like I haven’t liked any job for a long long time. But that’s not entirely true is it?  How does this job compare to other jobs I didn’t like?  I remember how much I didn’t like Point Park.  That said I’d give anything to go back.  Not really. Well maybe.  I don’t know.  But that grass is never greener – but at Point Park I did like my job, I really did, but there was just an administrative vibe there that was troubling.  That hospice temp job I had, I liked that job, a lot, but there was something there too that I couldn’t cope with – some issue that didn’t have anything to do with the actual job itself – that made me want to leave it, hmmm again maybe something about authority (in HR).  Okay okay, maybe we’re getting closer now.  And now this one, well it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Authority is always an issue for me but this one is more…well I don’t know this one is a lot of different things. And now that lens that I’m looking at it through is also different and really different as to how to process and how to proceed.  I am much more conservative now in my actions. I don’t even recognize this new me – I’ve learned some things out of necessity for sure!  But that begs the question, how do you proceed in life when you’re so unhappy in your work and what is the lesson that the last 3 jobs have all resulted in unhappiness in one way or another.  I’ve heard Stephanie say she LOVES her job.  Can you imagine?  LOVES her job…Some days she settles for “really likes” – I’ve heard Maryann say she loves her job too (right Maryann?  Am I right?) A friend at work , who just transferred out of a hateful position, also says she now loves her job.  I was trying to remember if I’ve ever loved my job.  I remember when working at Thomson Newspapers and working from home with all that traveling, I remember saying I really liked my job. So at least I did like my job at one point.  It’s possible to do.  Of course I ended up getting tired of that one too. So what’s the answer?  Anybody?  Anybody? That’s what I’m trying to figure out now.  What is the answer.  Another job is just going to be same – another office job that is.  Maybe what the history is telling me is that these office jobs are not for me…anymore.  I mean there are aspects to them I like.  I like tasks but maybe just not in an office?  I don’t know I’m grasping and brain-dumping here on this blog to try and figure it out.  I really liked when I was blogging everyday – that would be the perfect job for me – and it was while writing Finally Florida.  That’s I guess my dream job – live life and then take an hour or so and spill your guts to your 20 followers – and then after a couple years turn it into a book, that no one wants to publish.  HA! There’s a goal for me.  So maybe I do have a dream job.

Tomorrow is a new moon.  A new moon is a when you’re supposed to write your wishes and/or make your intentions known and give them up to the moon.  I actually do this every month.  I have a little book by the side of my bed that every month during the new moon I write down my wishes – both large and small – from a new kitchen rug to being a published author.  I’ve gotten the rug, can the published author be far behind?

So tomorrow, with all of your help in helping me figure this out – well I’m going to write to that damn moon again and maybe I need to be a little more direct this time –or stand up tall – or use big words and say “look moon, this is serious now, I’m not kidding around. I’m 60 and it’s time for me to do this. No more pussy-footing around. Don’t make me say it again.  Oh and send money…love, Lynn.  PS. I really like to look at you, you’re very pretty”  Maybe that’s how the mid-life change of career thing works.  Maybe all those people with late life career changes, Grandma Moses, Morgan Freeman (I still like him) Julia Child, maybe they wrote to the moon too.

Well I’m not quitting my day job, but I will be on my knees in the prayer position when I write to the moon tomorrow – send me a sign Lord (or Moon).  Send me a sign….

Xoxoxo

To Sandy and Barb: