Searching for my people

I’m back from Virginia.  It’s such a mixed blessing being there.  First of all I never go in the summer, traditionally, because it is way too hot and mom doesn’t believe in AC. It’s evil you know. She says the heat doesn’t bother her.  I will give it to her a little bit because if you sit there under the fan, doing nothing, it really is quite comfortable for the most part.  Even sleeping isn’t bad as the nights cool down to the 70’s and if she turns that attic fan on it pulls in cool air and works really well.  There is a “sleeping porch” but I’m not going out there.  Even though it’s screened in I just don’t trust it (bugs and bats you know).  So with the country in a heatwave crisis last week I wasn’t my usual productive self, washing windows and screens and organizing and going through things like I should be doing preparing for the pending sale.  But what I did do was interview realtors, met with an estate sales person, and then on the last day I cooked two meals (carrot hot dogs that were delicious!) and I cleaned off both porches.  I also bought and planted flowers, made many phone calls and ran errands so I wasn’t completely useless.  She would start to ask me to do something and then said “it’s okay Kerry can do this next week” – I told her Kerry is going to kill me for leaving so much but..hey, one of those days I was actually sick from the heat and had to lay down.  No amount of blind-mother-living-alone-in-the-woods-guilt was going to get me cleaning out files.  I went to my room and lay under the fan and had fever dreams for 20 minutes.

As I left yesterday for the long drive back to Florida (12.5 hours) I was seeing the neighbors on their horses, waved to a couple along the road, saw someone doing ring work up at the corner and I thought back to a year or so ago when I lived there and thought maybe I had found my place and people.  As much as the house now just represents work and bugs to me I do love that area.  I’ve been going there literally my entire life.  It was the very first place I lived as a newborn.  And my friend Lori was living there (now deceased 🙁 ) but I had plans of finding a job, living “close” to mom, not with her but nearby, riding with Lori, finding my people, but as seems to be the theme of my life I was once again uprooted, left and moved back to Florida, apprehensive at best.  Well, everyone knows that story, but you know, parting with this family home is kinda killing a very big part of me.  Part of me gets caught up in the sale of it – being a former realtor myself I get excited when people love it, which everyone does and I see dollar signs.  Seriously people walk in that house with their mouths open and can’t believe how beautiful it is, and it IS beautiful.  It’s literally a work of art. So part of me wonders how we can give up this work of art that our own grandfather built, again literally with his own two hands, and it’s perfect, besides needing maintenance.  The other side of me is so excited about getting my mother out of there that I can’t wait until it’s over.  I’m excited that she is moving “home” to Pittsburgh.  I asked her where she felt more at home, in Goochland where she went to highschool and lives now or in Pittsburgh where she raised us.  She admitted that she has mostly felt like the care taker of that house and that she probably considers Pittsburgh (Sewickley) home. It makes me so happy to think of her back home, with Evan and my sister to check in on her, all the grandchildren around (who will hopefully visit at least once) and of course making my visits easier – one visit home and done.   She can have heat and AC (even though she hates it) and less worries and hopefully no bugs, although you can have those anywhere of course.  My apartment in Moon Township was the buggiest place I ever lived.  But anyway, my thoughts for her future are filled with happiness and relief and I think she’s going to be happy having her family around her. I‘m super excited about that and super sad about ending our time in Goochland.  Zachary had the perfect solution that whoever buys it might turn it into a VRBO or AirBnB and we can stay there once in awhile.  Wouldn’t that be perfect?  But who knows what will happen to it.  And what about Abigail?  The little baby buried at the end of the driveway?  Will the new owners say hello to her every time they pull into the driveway like we do?  Will they plant flowers on her grave?  Will they walk to the creek? One of my favorite realtors, when I told her this certain path led to the creek, walked right down there.  We loved her best because she was so enthusiastic about the property.  She also is living with our cousin so she is sort of almost related.  I told her we would give her a deal if she wanted to buy it because she is family and it would be nice to have a Knibb (my grandfather’s ancestry) in there. But I don’t think it’s a viable option.  And what about the graves of my grandparents and great-grandmother behind Salem Baptist Church which is now the Christian Arabic Church (I’m not kidding – quite a change for this area).  As you can see by this picture they have not given this cemetery any priority.  What do we do about that? How can we leave this area that is our home?  On the other hand, who takes care of my grandmother’s parents graves in Illinois?  I’ve never even seen them.  They don’t have any ancestors taking care of them either.  This life responsibilities, growing old, legacy, like it’s all too much.

I’ve always been searching for my people.  Going back to 9^th grade, Neal Rapp and I started applying to boarding schools.  Okay only he applied but I wanted to go to Boarding school so bad. My parents said no. I didn’t feel like I belonged in that school.  I never ever felt like I belonged in the high school, which is why I never went to it.  I visited the private school in the area, Sewickley Academy once or twice, I don’t know that I felt I belonged there either.  I visited North Allegheny high school once with Jean, they had a smoking lounge for the students.  Can you believe it?.  I never felt like I belonged there.  Wayyy too many people. Plus they all wore makeup!   When I was forced (you know kinda forced) to move to mom’s last year-ish  I had hoped Goochland was going to be where I found my place and people, before that I thought Sunset Beach was going to be my place and people, Palm Harbor was my place and people for a year which was nice, and before that I thought downtown Pittsburgh was my place but not there long enough to find my city people.  Fair Oaks which was definitely my place as in my house and no greater neighbors than Mike and Freida but when they moved away I never recovered.  And well last month I thought maybe New York would be my place and honestly there are so many people there that I bet I could find someone (or two) that would eventually be my people but that’s not an option either…and we all know DeLand is not my place or my people.

In the midst of all this mother business I’ll be moving in 18 days!!  I’m really excited about this move so maybe, just maybe, Port Orange is going to be where my people finally are.  I will give it a year or so and if not, well maybe I’ll end up like my mom and come back “home” – I mean didn’t Dorothy say it best?  There’s no place like home.  It’s been my life’s work to find mine.

xoxox