Parallel Lives

I am trying to figure out a way to incorporate the passages below from a diary that I read recently into a blog post.  The Goochland Historical Society puts out a publication/magazine – small booklet – I don’t know how often but anyway we bought volume 44 because it has letters from my great great grandparents to each other during the Civil War and also includes excerpts from The Diary of Elvira Bruce Seddon written at the end of the Civil War.  I am captivated by Elvira’s diary…her blog..ha!..It is fascinating to me.  The letters from my gg grandparents (great great) are okay – but her diary is haunting me.  So here’s what I’m gonna do… I’m going to include these three passages from her diary and then I’m just going to blog and well you tell me if you see any connections…How’s that?  (you don’t actually have to tell me…It’s just a figure of speech)

The eldest of nine children of the Honorable James Alexander Seddon, Secretary of War, CSA, and his wife Sarah Cabell Bruce.  Elvira Seddon was born in Richmond, VA on September 21, 1846.  When this diary was begun in March of 1865, she was a young lady of 19 living at Sabot Hill, her family’s country estate in Goochland County.  Miss Seddon never married and died prematurely on June 24, 1882.

General Lee surrendered April 9, 1865.

4/17/1865

Many persons in our vicinity are left entirely without servants.  At Dr. Walker’s the children cook, and at Mr. Gray’s the young ladies perform the most menial offices.  These evils will soon be corrected, however, for white labor will be procured and we will be more comfortable and prosperous than formerly.  I should not object to giving up slavery, for it is undoubtedly an evil to our state, were it not forced upon us by the Yankees.  Were it an act of free will, I should rejoice!

4/18/1865

The evening being a sweet, mild one, we all sat on the porch after sunset.  Looking out on this calm peaceful scene I could not realize that our fair land was desecrated by the tread of the miscreant foe.  Nature kindly affords oblivion temporarily it is true, but still blessed.  As we gaze on her beautiful works, our hearts are filled with gratefulness and good will, and we even forget, as I said, our enemies for the time.

4/24/1865

The Yankees policy is conciliatory.  We have experienced no annoyance from those at Manakin.  They are kept, I hear, in the strictest discipline and give offence to none.  What good sense the Yankees show in pursing this mild course!  Many will be won by it.  I expect such is the weakness of human nature that all principles are swallowed up in the sense of personal comfort.  How can our people forget their injuries? How? I certainly cannot imagine.

Last weekend Mom and I met my friends Debbie and Janice (and Gwen and two new friends) at Debbie’s church for this phantasmagorical production called Finding Christmas. The production included a 30 piece live orchestra; I counted 207 cast members (in the program) – which includes 110 dancers – 47 children – 102 youths – 128 adults and 17 flying angels, although I think the most flying angels at one time were 6.  I mean when those angels started coming out of the ceiling I said to my mom “you gotta see this..” which of course she can’t…because she’s blind…but she loved it just the same.  Baby Jesus was real, well not the real Messiah…that I know of…but a real baby and they listed 5 babies they had on reserve.  The singing and the dancing were of professional quality –Debbie’s daughter was one of the dancers. I asked Debbie if this was a professional company that comes in every year and she said no they are ALL members of the church.  I mean really it was something.

We had bought our tickets separate from Debbie so we weren’t seated together.  This auditorium I’m guessing holds about 500 people.  Anyway, we weren’t seated with Debbie but had planned to go out for dinner afterwards.  So anyway, there was a mixup with our seats and we had to be reassigned and our reassigned seats were in the pew right in front of Debbie and gang.  I mean what are the chances?  They all said “God works in mysterious ways” – Amen to that.  I mean you’d think he’d work some other kinds of miracles but still it was so fun to be able to sit with them.

Afterwards I brought mom home and drove back out to meet them for dinner.  A night out – I was too excited.  They still had not been seated when I got back to the restaurant and it had been an hour since I left them at the play.  We ate, talked, laughed, and thought about eating more.  One of the stories from a new friend ..after I was hearing about all the airline travel she does.. I asked her what she does for work…she said she travels for fun…she’s retired…bitch…I don’t mean that of course…but then she shared a sad story about a forced retirement and some truly sad circumstances that led up to her new life of traveling around the world, on a whim, with her husband, whenever she wants.  To which I thought (but didn’t say) “you mean you don’t work but you don’t have to live with your mom after losing all your possessions and now deep in debt after being taken by a low life, 2 bit, con artist?”

Mom says I need to work on forgiveness.

When I was little I used to have to say my prayers – well I shouldn’t say “have to” – I mean I just said them…God bless Mommy and Daddy, Kerry, Scott, Lynn and Kathy.  I also always added whatever animal we had at the time.  That is all I remember to the prayers, God bless… Now, I’m trying  – God please help me to forgive…and then I have to think about who I need to forgive.  I guess if I can’t think of someone’s name then I’ve already forgiven them right? God’s usually the first name I need to forgive, and really I think the only two on it are John (I know right?) and LL2BCA (see above).  All three of them have been actors in a phase of my life causing something to occur that I did not ask for.  God does that A LOT so I’m constantly in need of forgiving him.  There’s Jimmy, the light of my life (in addition to the light of Zachary) that I thank “GOD” everyday for. John at one point thought I should thank him for Jimmy. It’s just there are some things that I feel I should have had a say in.  Even though Jimmy is a blessing to us all I hang onto resentment towards his father- isn’t that crazy?  It’s just nutz.

I am positive that this move here is going to have the same positive Jimmy-like outcome and I do thank God almost daily for the good I see here.  I am going to look back at this time as being the best move I ever made or something like that, I’m sure of it. I really do love this area – I’m not unhappy with the weather – it’s not as cold as Pittsburgh – obviously not as warm as Florida – but it’s really not bad – the scenery is so beautiful  – when I’m stressed I go cut wood, enjoy the sunshine and love the clean air.  Soon I’ll be on horseback when the time is right –– I’m doing yoga (Sally will be so proud) at home!! With a CD!! (that takes alot of discipline) The tasks and errands are endless which keep me busy – and then there’s the whole helping mom thing – She seems very thankful that I’m here. I like that I’m being useful. I am not unhappy.

Here’s the thing though – I just wish I would have chosen it.  Ya know?  That’s all I’m saying.  I really don’t care about losing my things – I mean they’re gone – there’s not a lot I can do about it now – it’s just the way it was done.  I would have liked it to be my choice – not forced to because, well because.  But even the way that happened can be look at as a blessing…

After I left Florida that person I had moved there with and subsequently lived with for 2 years turned into a LL2BCA (low life, etc.) and well it is because of those hateful texts and emails and ultimatums from him that I never ever think about reconciliation, well lets not say I don’t “think” about it but when I do I remember those last exchanges and well that’s the end of that thought. That finality helps with this transition and feeling settled. I feel settled.  I haven’t felt settled in a long time.  So I don’t even know if forgiveness is appropriate because without that ending I would still be sad. Dare I thank him too?

Hmm, so maybe that just leaves God (for not giving me clearer signs, or an income) and John.  HA!  I forgive John, of course I do, okay fine…I guess I’ll thank him.  It’s been 25 years.  I will publicly thank him right here, right now.  Thank you John for being a part of bringing Jimmy into our lives and for being an awesome father.

And thank you LL2BCA for helping me in your strange ways to move on.

And God I forgive you too.  I know you’ve got something up your sleeve. You really do work in mysterious ways.  I’ll wait for it.

God Bless Mommy and Daddy (in heaven), Kerry, Scott, Lynn and Kathy and all of our offspring.  And please keep an eye on Blackie, Daffy, Spring, Rooster, Allie, Deek and Max in animal heaven.  Oh and that big gray cat that we had for a short time, like a weekend, before he got hit by a car.  Amen

Choice, Beauty, Forgiveness…

xoxoxo