Turn that frown upside down

Here is something I can say about myself.  I don’t stay down for very long…typically.  I obviously have down days trying to figure all this out BUT I have to admit every day when I wake up I forget about what it was I was down about (usually) and well it’s a new day and I forge ahead.  I’m not gonna lie and say that I’ve never woken up already depressed but for the most part – I’m going 80% or more of the time – each day is a new slate and I just start over.  It’s not that I do that consciously it’s just that I forget and move on I guess. Sometimes it helps in a relationship that I forget what I was mad about but probably there are times when I’m supposed to remember so not to repeat mistakes.  Therein “may” lie some of my problems.

So today (actually starting with last night) I figured that what I’m going through has nothing to do with being “homeless.”  I think, and I really do feel this, that it’s more about me and my things.  I have so little things in comparison to most but I have noticed that I have a strong attachment to those things.  Again, we’ve been so over this in these blogs  But…BUT, I don’t think this time at all is about being without a “home” – I think it’s about getting myself to trust in the future – to part with things is parting with who I “thought” I was, well not even who I “thought” – just who I was and the memories that go with them.  But I’ll still be that person right?  I guess that’s what I cling to.  I have so little trust that I’ll ever be happy again, or have “things”, or whatever it is that I cling to that bowl for, or that Christmas decoration or those dishes that I have memories around. However, I know somewhere in me that I will someday have new things.  My kids will still like me – I’ve hung onto a couple of things and they will look at those couple of things someday and smile at whatever it is they remember but the rest of it…it’s gotta go.  So see? That’s what this is about (maybe) just getting rid of those things. Now if I can make a buck or two and pay a bill well then that’s just a bonus. Already I’ve made enough on selling just one set of dishes that I can pay my car insurance bill.  See?  Life is good.

Moving on…I’m deciding that I’m more of a loner than I thought.  I really like being by myself.  I like other people and I like touching base, having lunch, the occasional yammering on the phone, but I really really like being alone.  I like walking on the beach alone, I like writing these ramblings alone, I like watching TV alone…I like being alone.  However, (you should know that I always have a however) I do miss many aspects of Philip.

There I said it.  People have been asking me if I miss him, would I go back, questions like that.  As you may or may not know I am working on turning Finally Florida into a book. So in doing that I’m reviewing all of the blogs. I can’t help but smile and reminisce when reading it. I mention the word “fun” alot. That’s the word I have most often used when I talk about Philip – I had “fun” with him.  I also remember telling Zenah one time that he has been the only person in my life that I have not gotten sick of…after 3 years…and that has never happened before. I always enjoyed his company.  So who wouldn’t miss that? The conversation that day between Zenah and I was about how opposite she thought her dad and I were. Tashah used to say she thought we were perfect for each other because we were so alike. I know what both of them saw and they were both right. Well, anyway, the point is sure I miss him, but no I don’t want to go back. And again, I think this whole separation of “things” and me has alot to do with it. Maybe it’s because the “fun” and the “things” took front and center of me being me? Although I would even disagree with that because I think it was because of him that I became this writer (even though he has told me how bad my punctuation is). I remember me asking a friend one time if she would go back with her husband and she said she could only do it with blinders on not thinking about it.  I would never wish that on myself.  I would never go back with blinders on.  I would never go back without many many conditions – eyes wide open – and lots and lots of therapy.  Since I know that is not going to happen (therapy) I know it’s not an option and therefore I don’t entertain the idea at all.

Speaking of books and all, let’s say I get this thing actually published. I know I can self publish but let’s just say I get it published. I mention alot alot of names. Mostly first names but there is the occasional last name. Like Cathy Susko is almost always CathySusko – one word – because that’s what she is in my mind…Cathysusko..There are no deep secrets about anyone obviously just about Cathy Susko white tile floors, or floating in the Besong pool.  There is one or two references to Bobby Rondinelli…anyway, everyone needs to think about whether or not they want their name changed.  I don’t think it’s a big deal and think it could be fun to read your name in a book….maybe…especially since my book is so mindless…Obviously I will change my housemates names.  I’m thinking I will become Lydia McDougal. Hmmm, should McDougal have one “l” or two? McDougall?  I am keeping a list of all the names I have mentioned in the book.  I have alot of them that I will do a search and replace but I’m telling Diane right now that I think she has to stay in there as Diane and “Di” – it just doesn’t work any other way.

And my last thought of the day…for today…you all know I like to walk on the beach right?  I love it actually. It clears my head, I get sun on my face, I get a dose of Vitamin D.  I also like to walk barefoot.  My old neighbor used to scold me a bit about wearing walking shoes to protect my back and whatnot but I just like to walk barefoot, with those unpainted toenails, in the sand and occasionally in the water.  I start here on 2nd Avenue and I walk down to about 14th Ave before I turn around and come back.  I could walk further but it’s the coming back around that I have to keep in mind.  Even with that small distance every time I get back to our house I am holding my hip where it starts hurting.  I know it’s that sciatica thing.  I think it’s from the slanted beach walking.  I’m not walking on a level surface.

Today when I was down around 14th or 15th Ave I stepped on a seashell that went right into my heel.  No blood or anything but just didn’t give and I had to stop for a bit until the pain calmed down (I’m fine)  I happened to see the handsome man from the other day (who said hi to me twice) – just sort of hanging around there.  He did not come to my aid.  I have cancelled the wedding invitations.

Thank you all for caring, I am fine. I am really fine!!

xoxoxo