Stay strong, make them wonder how you’re still smiling

A writing “coach” told me that she likes my writing because it’s an honest look at the human experience.  It went something like that – something about the human experience.  Amy, my northern most follower, told me to blog both positive and negative.  “Contrast” she said.  I like to stick to the positives.  So here are some of the positives in this current human experience of mine:

I’m in Florida.  Everyone knows how much I love Florida.  Sunny days, warm temperatures, it feels familiar and even though I don’t have a home I feel at home here in Florida. Temperatures are perfect.  Still in the 80’s (not 90’s).  I can walk on the beach without sweating profusely.  It’s even supposed to be in the 50’s Sunday morning.  Good thing I’ve brought some sweatshirts.

Stephanie’s home is very cute and comfortable.  I sleep really well.  There’s everything here I need (food, laundry, beach)…she too lives steps from the beach so I can run over to the Gulf for sunset and I can run over to the Bay for the moonrise. And when I say run I mean saunter.  Either way (Gulf or Bay) is steps from her home. Stephanie’s husband Tim is very pleasant and considerate and doesn’t seem to mind me being here.  I don’t even mind their two cats.  I usually don’t like cats…but they have nice cats.  It’s been a very pleasant experience.  Also Tim watches MSNBC.  I would have problems if it was a Fox News house.  Just sayin and I’m leaving it there.  Also I have a TV in my bedroom and in the office where I’m on the computer so it wouldn’t really matter if I didn’t like what he was watching I can come into another room. It’s just the two of us during the week as Stephanie travels for her job.

A positive in comparison to my mom’s is there is TV and internet which who knew I would have taken for granted.

My tan is returning which makes me feel like I look better.  I hate wearing makeup and when I have even a little bit of tan I quit wearing it.

Because I’m not working I am able to sit at the beach, meet friends for lunch, run errands and try and take care of some loose ends (storage woes) because I have all this free time.

I have friends here in Florida – people to see, people to visit.

My skin tags are falling off.  Do you know what they are?  They’re like pieces of skin that grow on my neck  They look a bit like moles that hang there.  Well last week the dermatologist said she could freeze them off so I was like “have at it” – which she did – and they looked 1000% worse.  These black gross pieces of skin on my neck.  Needless to say I was wearing scarves (except when I met poor Gay Lynn for lunch – she had to look at them) but the good news is they are falling off just like they are supposed to and I can see that my neck will look much better very very soon.  This goes under the positive category.

I already blogged about seeing the Baker girls.  Got my girl fix for a while.

I’ve made progress on the storage woes.

A very handsome man on the beach said hi to me, twice.

And now for the contrast, the human experience:

I am homeless.  There is no sugar coating it, there is no other word for it.  I am homeless.  I have never met anyone that is homeless other than those we see on the streets and who we walk on by.  While it is true that I have places to stay and I am very appreciative of that (the positive of being homeless) the reality of it is I am truly truly h.o.m.e.l.e.s.s.  I can’t even process this most days.  There was a time, and for a long time, that I wanted to test the world, test God and quit Point Park without having another job.  I thought it would be an interesting experiment and I wanted to write about it.  And look at that I am doing it, I’m writing about it (but not able to let go of the job hunting part.)  BUT, here’s what I said over and over and over and over….I don’t think my path in life is to be homeless…I was sure God did not want me to be homeless.  I was SURE of it.  What use would I be being homeless?, I thought.  Wouldn’t I be worth much more to life, to God, to be doing something productive?  Giving back to the world in a productive way? I really wanted to do it. I really want to just quit and live day by day and see what would happen. I thought it would be worth the risk.   Well then, Phil happened and I DID quit my job and I did have a brand new life and I WAS productive and I WAS doing something worth it. I was there for this family and I was being rewarded for it in many many ways.  Pedicures, horseback riding, trips to home, moms, vacations, a new car and my credit score was gooooddd.  But then, you followers of Finally Florida know what happened and I left that place.  I didn’t question leaving just like I didn’t question moving here with him in the first place.  All the pieces around “leaving” just fell into place and I was rewarded again with this perfect small place on the beach, so see?  God was proving to me that he/she was watching over me.  I did the right thing, something new was going to open up. My life was going to take off in a different direction now.  My time there was appreciated, as proven by my summer at the beach, but now I was supposed to move on.  Bills were getting paid, I was writing, I was engaged in life, not like I was before, no volunteering, no Reiki but still was engaged in trying to rebuild my life.  And then the bottom fell out because nothing was working.  Nothing was opening up.  It slammed closed.  I went to my mom’s. Even in my “quit work and test the Gods” scenarios I would always say to myself…how bad can it be?  I’d just go to my moms. BUT I never ever thought it would get that far.  So here I am in Virginia, I thought well now something in Virginia will open up.  I’m supposed to be here now I thought. A new adventure I guess. A new blog. Not where I want to be but a beautiful place, and time with mom was great. Although I didn’t apply to as many jobs as I do here in Florida (I hadn’t been there long enough yet) I did apply to jobs there and as has become the norm, I did get rejected…still..and again… and then the Florida job calls and well kismet right?  And I got here through the hurricane.  You all read that story.  At least I thought I’d get through a month of bills with some income, as I knew it was a temporary job but I thought perfect, settle the storage issue, and then maybe I’d go back to Virginia and keep trying there.  And nothing, absolutely nothing is going how I envisioned.  NOTHING. As you all know the temp job fell through and now here I am in Florida with no job…again. I’ve applied to more and more jobs, I had one interview which I was excited about but I’m going to guess that I’m not getting that one either.  I’ve had a Skype interview with a staffing agency in Richmond. Everything seems to go well but then nothing happens.  So no I haven’t been able to pay one bill in October (okay I did pay one bill).  I don’t want money from friends or family, I’m past that.  It was okay as a tide-over because well, we all knew that my life was going to take off any minute, right? but now I’m past that.  I mean if God’s not going to help me why should anyone else?  I’m doing my part but clearly he is not paying attention.

It’s hard to be in a situation like this and not constantly question God.  Constantly.  I don’t know whether to like him, hate him, or even question the existence at all?  It’s kind of easy to blame God because well who else am I going to blame?  Myself? What good would that do?  I already feel bad enough about myself so it just seems like I need some help here and well he/she seems like the logical choice to turn to.

So what am I learning?  God could care less that I’m homeless.  God could care less if I pay my bills.  God could care less about my credit score.  God apparently doesn’t want me to have an office job – that part I’m okay with – but I still need that income?

However, God does care about my safety and getting through hurricanes.  God cares that I have very comfortable homes to “camp” in in the meantime.  God cares that I have very very good and loving  friends and family.  God knows that I want to be here in Florida and has made sure that I get here and seems like he makes it difficult to leave so my “joy” at being here is prolonged. Every time I think it’s time to go, to head north, I can’t go again because I have too much to do with that stupid storage, or I get a call for an interview.

On the good side of the storage woes, I was able to move some stuff into a smaller unit –  all the things that I wanted to keep – very very few things I saved, and was ready to give the rest of it all away to Hospice who will come and pick it up.  But my friend told me that I am in no position financially to give anything away and I should try and sell it.  Again I thought THAT was the answer. I will sell it and I’ll get through another month. Not only did I not get one bite I got a nasty email from someone saying that I’d be lucky to get $150 for the entire storage unit.  Okay thanks buddy.  So now I have to drive 40 miles – one way – and bring one box at a time to this replacement china store that had previously offered me a couple hundred dollars for some of my china.  But because I live out of my car, literally my back seat is full of clothes and my trunk is also full, I only have room for one box at a time. Maybe next week I’ll put everything from the car on my bed here and try a couple of boxes at a time.  So tomorrow I’ll take my one box over to the China shop and if they give me anything at all it’ll probably just cover the gas to go back and forth to the storage unit.  And THEN I’m calling Hospice back and have them come back and get it all. I’ve been told, again just today, that getting rid of all of this stuff will be very freeing. And well, we’ve been over this so many times in this blog.  It is freeing but it also is just another reminder of the reality of the situation that I am homeless.  Just another reminder that I don’t have a home for any of it.  I don’t have a choice.  The only thing that’s freeing about it is after it’s all gone I’ll be free to go back to Virginia, where it will be cold, but at least it’s my mom that has to bear the burden of my presence…and I can give Stephanie her room back.

And here’s what my thought was today.  Where is the best place to live without a car?  So if my life keeps going the way it is –  is staying with my mom the best place to be where there is no public transportation incase at some point in my life I am supposed to work again?  I can’t stay with Stephanie indefinitely so I won’t be here long enough to get my car repossessed.  Should I live in Pittsburgh where I know there is public transportation? And if I go back to Pittsburgh where in Pittsburgh would I live?  Or should I even give up working at all and just stay in with my mom and have the neighbor grocery shop for both of us? I guess if I am “lucky” enough to get a job then I would be able to eventually get a car again I suppose.  Well the point is, these are the thoughts that I am thinking now.  Where is the best place for me to be even MORE homeless and MORE destitute.

Can you even imagine having these thoughts for real?  Like I am having these thoughts for real?  I know I’m not the only person in the world  that loses everything, has their car repossessed (maybe), has bad credit (I’ve been there before) but it sure does make you feel like you are a bad person, a very bad person.  Like you are stupid and have done everything wrong. Like everything that is happening to you is your fault.  That all the signs you thought you were following and all the talking to God that you do and all the trusting your instincts that you are on the right path, well that basically you have been wrong about everything. Like how you thought God cared about your happiness? How far back do I have to go to know that “this” is where it all started to go wrong?  If I had to guess I would go back to 2006.  But it doesn’t really matter now does it?  I am here.  At the beach. See? I can’t even decide if I’m happy or not. I truly love so much of this time so has he answered some prayers?  It sure seems like he has. (and I realize God is not really a “he”)

I did this thing/game on Facebook – it said “click here for your advice from heaven.”  Here’s what I got:

Lynn, these words are your advice from heaven: Stay strong, make them wonder how you’re still smiling.  (how did it know?)

Blame the blog contrast piece (also known as whining) today on Amy – however, it’s truly an unusual human experience.  I don’t know whether to wish you all a piece of it or not.  So much of my life is perfect – I’m right where I want to be.

xoxoxo